by doinmypart 50 Replies latest jw friends
((( doinmypart )))
It may be a bit premature, but it would probably help to have a discussion with your wife to see how she sees her life changing with your course of action. As she shares her concerns, you can figure out how you can address them without going back to meetings. I think it's important that you spend your energies on things she will appreciate, and you need to know what those things are. I wish you and your family the best!
Your story reminds me of my mom and dad. My dad was an elder for many years who came in as a teenager and my mom was raised a witness.
Through the years dad had more and more doubts, the 1975 thing started the whole works. They had many bitter standoffs after he resigned and left the WBTS. Mom was extremely disappointed and angry. They eventually learned to accept each other for the most part and let each live in peace without separating.
Their marriage was never great to begin with, a but a few things would really soften my mom's heart.
When she went to assemblies, dad would always spend the day cleaning the house and have a great dinner ready when she got home.
He always made sure she had a decent car for service and he kept it well maintained.
When he finally retired and they moved near us, dad converted their lanai into a beautiful room with herringbone hardwood floors, new windows, furniture, and extended the airconditioning, for mom to be able to have a large Tuesday night book study. On Tuesday nights dad would go into his office and frequent forums such as this, or work on his roadsters in the garage.
He is dead now, but at least mom finally got over her disappointment and realized she had support in a different way.
r.
Eventually my relatives will find out I'm no longer serving, and I'm sure the elders will try getting with me.
you mean they havent been to see you yet!!!
Serendipity & Restrangled - Thanks for the advice. I know the things that make my wife happy...rather than taking our situation for granted, I need to view each day as an opportunity to express something loving to my wife.
Tijkmo - One of the elders is a relative. I think the BOE has for the most part left things up to him to try and feel me out before the CO visit about a month from now. A couple of other elders have left voice messages. It's times like these I value caller ID. The relative-elder is the hardest one for me to avoid. I hate to avoid them at all, and even though my letter was quite clear, I know WTS directs them to meet with me. If I don't attend any meetings between now and the CO visit, they'll have no choice but to accept my letter and delete me.
Thank you for sharing doinmypart.
I really have nothing to add to all of the good suggestions that have been made here.
As you have been helped by others' similar situations, there are others out there perhaps lurking at this site who now will be helped by reading your story.
I wish you the best.
Juni
So sorry you're going through this too. My husband is an elder and I've been fading for the last couple of years. I'm completely inactive now.
Just a word about your kids... I woke up to the truth about the WTS just as my kids were entering their teens. JWs aren't supposed to have doubts. Kids who are trying to please their parents won't express their doubts.. maybe not even in their own minds. I told them directly that if they had doubts or questions about something JW related, something they thought didn't make sense, to ask me. (At the time they had no idea how deep my 'apostacy' ran... ) Eventually, they did, and then the floodgates opened. They expressed every doubt they had, I answered as best I could, but NOT using JW reasoning... using common sense and what I had read... ("Some religions believe that... Buddists believe...." etc.)
They have also asked questions of my JW husband, and haven't gotten satisfying answers. But I don't know that they would have been so bold in asking if I hadn't encouraged it, and if they didn't know that they could come to me afterwords and express how 'stupid' and 'retarded' the answers were that they had gotten from their dad.
They have gone to all the meetings and in service, assemblies, etc with their dad. I have told them that they have to do what he says, show him respect, and they have. But they talk to ME. At this point, I have showed them enough about the fallacies of the WTS that they know it's WRONG.. not just another religious option, but WRONG. That is important, too, so that they don't grow up and have a child and then run back to the WTS.
My daughter is at college now, and hasn't attended a meeting since she left home. She's dodging the JWs who are trying to contact her. Success!
GGG
You used your conscience to make an important decision. I hope you wife will come around. I am in a similar situation, only it's my husband who is still in. I think your wife is feeling insecure. And your family has lost a lot of prestige in the congregation by you stepping down. I know that since I stopped going, we are never invited anywhere by the JWs.
My husband and I have frquently argued about the society. But he has come to accept that I just don't believe it anymore. There is still some tension there, but it is easing up. One thing that helped is that we both decided that we were going to stay together because we really loved each other. I wrote him a long note about how I always wanted to be with him and did not want other people spoiling what we have. I think this helped because he is slowing down in meetings and hasn't been in FS for some time. Try to reassue your wife and let her know that there is no one else for you. Avoid arguments as much as you can and just give it some time. It doesn't have to be the end.
I know you did not decide to do this overnight. I can see from your posts that it has taken you about 6 years of thinking to make up your mind. As other's have said- " To thine own self be true". I would suggest going into family counseling with a licensed Family Therapist. When you wife has to explain to a counselor why she is treating you differently it might wake her up. Children might finally be able to voice their unhappiness with the WT system when they get to talk to the counselor in private. I know it is expensive, but the death spiral has started and you don't have much time to save your marriage before your wife might be influenced by the KH to turn on you in a very cruel manner.
Good luck,
Moshe
Your story reminds me of my mom and dad. My dad was an elder for many years who came in as a teenager and my mom was raised a witness.
Through the years dad had more and more doubts, the 1975 thing started the whole works. They had many bitter standoffs after he resigned and left the WBTS. Mom was extremely disappointed and angry. They eventually learned to accept each other for the most part and let each live in peace without separating.
Their marriage was never great to begin with, a but a few things would really soften my mom's heart.
When she went to assemblies, dad would always spend the day cleaning the house and have a great dinner ready when she got home.
He always made sure she had a decent car for service and he kept it well maintained.
When he finally retired and they moved near us, dad converted their lanai into a beautiful room with herringbone hardwood floors, new windows, furniture, and extended the airconditioning, for mom to be able to have a large Tuesday night book study. On Tuesday nights dad would go into his office and frequent forums such as this, or work on his roadsters in the garage.
He is dead now, but at least mom finally got over her disappointment and realized she had support in a different way.
r.
Restrangled, your father seems like he was man among men. I was very touched by that. THank you for sharing it with us.
I remember a JW couple that used to be in the cong we went to as children. The husband was DF'd for apostasy but his loyal JW wife stayed with him. He took her to meetings, fetched her, was always kissing her......he died a few years ago and she is in her eighties now but they were in Love and the bOrg could do nothing to stop that.
You can do it! Be patient and loving. You're the only one with anything REAL to offer!
