Alone With the Opposite Sex

by purplesofa 40 Replies latest jw friends

  • purplesofa

    Over the last few months I have been training three different men for backup position of my job.

    We are alone in my car all day.

    As a JW, I remember one time, needing to go to another congo in a different town to work on a part at an assembly. I was to ride with the brother doing the part. He was probably at least 30+ years older than me. My bibile study teacher had to ride with us as It was not appropriate for he and I to be alone in car together. I was newly baptised and newly divorced.....maybe just maybe I would find this older man very attractive in an hours time riding with him and we might plunge into lustful sinful sex.

    At my brothers funeral. I stayed at my mothers house......along with another couple that came from another state. The four of us there. My mother and the wife were going to the store. Which left me and the husband to be alone at the house. I was staying in the basement, they were staying on the main floor. He had not planned to go until he knew I was going to be alone in the house with him. He wound up going with the two women.

    I almost took it personally as I am single.

    The wife, my mother and I spoke about it.....and the wife said it was just to be safe. It is a protection..blah blah blah.

    I found myself uncomfortable alone with a brother while in the organization. Not because of myself but the implication that just because of being alone wtih the opposite sex.......seemed to always mean SEX. But I was so conscience of the fact that we are not supposed to be alone together......that I was questioning my own feelings and desires.......Maybe I really do want to boink this man cuz I have the chance!!!

    The farther away from that thinking, I can enjoy friendships with men without the constant threat of the sex act happening.

    The three men I trained alone in my car.......I never once worried that anyone I worked with thought something was going on with me and these guys.........I never once felt like I had to protect myself or worry about the way it looked to others.

    So, I think the constant worry of it amongst the witnesses breeds thinking or feelings that arent even there.

    Has anyone else experianced this?


  • jwcol

    Absolutely, you hit the nail right on the head.

    I was brought up around the truth. Was DF back in April. I had been going to meetings but recently stopped. Since I didn't have friends in the Org anymore, I started making friends with people at work including some of the girls.

    I went to a party and one girl asked me to drive her to her car. I was really nervous to be alone with her. We went out for some drinks, and talked a lot. No attraction to her even though she's beautiful. Over the last few months, her and I have become very good friends, along with her fiancee. I've also been able to meet quite a few other really good people too.

    I came to the conclusion myself that I have made far better, more genuine friends in a few months than I did a lifetime in the truth. It really saddened me to realize how fake and judgemental people are inside the general.

    Anyway, I have been so much more comfortable now with people, and women in general because I don't feel that I'm just going to have sex if we're alone, which is what you are constantly taught. I have better friendships with more genuine people now and that's not what I expected at all because that's not what is hammered into your head.

  • blondie

    Don't worry; according to the elders' manual they only DF a JW if they were alone with someone of the opposite sex overnight. I was told by one elder that "overnight" started at 2 am and ended at 6 am (that can vary depending on the elder). So you can be alone from 6 am to 2 am with someone of the opposite sex and the elders cannot assume that sexual relations too place. But if you stay past 2 am...even if no sexual relations took place, you can be DF'd.

    I thought it was so funny that they predicated their policy as the assumption that sex only took place at night.


  • greendawn

    That is indeed strange thinking Blondie.

    What they had told me is that I should never be alone with a woman who is under 70 years old. Even 70 year olds are risky. I can understand their fear but again they take things to ridiculous lengths. If two people want to do things together they can get the desire while in the midst of others.

  • blondie

    GD, I'm not saying that someone would not have been "counseled" for being alone with someone of the opposite sex during the day, just that it was not grounds for df'ing.

    A brother or sister could be marked and/or lose privileges, be removed as an MS/elder or pioneer, for sure.

    JWs take everything to the "gnat" level and gulp down the "camel."


  • greendawn

    Yes that is the problem, they do nothing of substance to help their members socially and emotionally but pounce on them when they do something wrong. Sex is a vital or imperative need for the socially and emotionally starved, for the unloved, and the JW ambience is far from being supportive and nurturant.

    What I was trying to say is that smart people can arrange to be alone at a time and place that no one else knows of.

  • blondie

    Isn't that what the WTS is though?

    Just appearance, no substance.


  • czarofmischief

    The funny thing is that this conditioning created a state of mind, for me, where ANY time I was alone with a woman, even by accident, I felt an enormous pressure (haha) to initiate sexual relations, whether it was a good idea or not.

    It was like being alone = sexual misconduct, therefore, if I am alone with a woman... heh heh heh... Maybe this mindset is why so many JW's become so incredibly promiscuous after df'ing?


  • purplesofa

    I think the organization in all their efforts to ensure proper relations between opposite sexes.......breeds just the opposite.

    The only thing that would happen between two people of the opposite alone together are sexual thoughts.

    Sexuality is different than sex........and if taught how to notice and deal with the differences in a witness one could learn how to enjoy friendships of the opposite sex.

    And also, getting to know what you as an individual like and enjoy in that kind of friendship would be less likely to marry the first person that comes along........

    instead this distorted perception is taught through actions and funky rules.

    Thansk for you comments........and Blondie your comment about the time thing is just what I am talking about.

    One time when my daughter and I were talking ....she said you did real good at protecting me from things.....but you did not teach me how to handle anything......She said she found herself in situations she did not know what to do.


  • Brigid

    I still find myself very nervous at times to be alone with the opposite if every encounter with the male must have an ulterior sexual connotation or potential

    Happens less often now and I enjoy close, strictly platonic friendships with men (you can learn so much from friendships with the opposite sex--it's like they're mirrors of yourSelf) but this stuff is so damned ingrained AAARRRGH!!!

    For example in many of the alternative spiritual circles I run in at times, there is a connectedness and intimacy even among "strangers" when meeting for the first time. I was at one of these "meetings" with a new (to me) group and one of the men, when introduced, took my hand in both of his, stroked my forearm and pulled me in for a warm, welcoming hug. My first thought??? "Watch out for this guy!! Because, you know, he's obviously after you" ....that initial encounter could hinder a potentially great friendship----hate this paranoia!!! and I'm sure it stems from the JW mentality regarding the sexes.

    Oh well...


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