What is dating as a JW like

by UFCFan 40 Replies latest jw friends

  • UFCFan

    First off I want to say that I'm a teenager which makes my situation interesting. I don't want to give too many details in case someone I know reads this but I'm between 14 and 18, homeschooled, and I've been awake for around one or one and a half years.

    I already have a plan to attend USC or Wisconsin University if I'm smart enough to get in and then move to San Jose and try and get a job working for a HS football team or with a soccer team, since I want to coach sports or be an agent.

    Now, this all sounds great in theory but there's one thing I've been thinking about that makes me doubt my plan.

    There's a girl in my congregation who's the same age as me and I really like her. Not like a crush that you have for a month or two and then move on, I've liked her since I met her which was 3+ years ago.

    I'm considering not going to college and staying home for a bit longer and trying to date her, but the big problem is that as a JW, if you date someone you're expected to marry, so I probably wouldn't get to go to college at all if I went that route.

    The other problem is that I don't know if dating as a witness is even fun, I've heard about others online who say they had chaperones following them everywhere and they couldn't even enjoy their dates.

    So I ask this. What's it like dating as a witness? Would it be worth it to stay home a few more years? And how's strong is the pressure to get married?

  • brandnew
    Dating???? Or the date? Cuz like its a one shot deal.
  • Billy the Ex-Bethelite
    Billy the Ex-Bethelite

    What's it like dating as a witness?

    To some extent it depends on the congregation and your family. I've known plenty that were disastrous, as you've described. And if you so much as touch her boob, you could find yourself being harassed by the BoE. And if you don't touch her boob, but someone else says they saw you touch her boob, you could find yourself being harassed by the BoE.

    Would it be worth it to stay home a few more years?

    Not in my opinion. The way your plans sound, you need to keep moving ahead. If this relationship doesn't work out, those years will be wasted. If this relationship does work out, you will have to be prepared to "stay home" forever, give up all the other things you want and live as someone you really aren't, and you will never get to know any of the other "worldly" women that would love you for who you really are.

    And how's strong is the pressure to get married?

    It won't just be pressure that your relationship will be chaperoned and headed to a wedding, you will be pressured to be a MS and "do more" in the congregation.

    There's a girl in my congregation who's the same age as me and I really like her. Not like a crush that you have for a month or two and then move on, I've liked her since I met her which was 3+ years ago.

    I don't want to come across as belittling your feelings, and I have known plenty of couples that have been together since preteenage. But in my experience, although I had plenty of heartbreak with "sisters", I'm now very glad that I dodged every one of those bullets!

  • finally awake
    finally awake
    I will tell you that relationships formed under false pretenses never ever work out. If you aren't on the same page as her with regard to the religion, it will be a miserable, life destroying experience. I recommend that you escape, go to college, and work hard to develop your career. If she wants out of the borg, she needs to do it for herself and not because of you. That's the only way a relationship between you could ever work. I wish you the best of luck!
  • sowhatnow

    i agree with finally awake plus, I know from experience, our emotions will take over our brains,

    we know what we should do, and that's the logical thing, go to school, finish and get the job. you have the plan, why screw with it? you already know the answer, but your emotional side is looking for some reason to mess it up. and you know , that no matter how hard it is , your plan makes more sense. we foolishly let those emotions come in and screw with our commons sense. my emotions sucked me back into a failing marriage. adults are not immune to mistakes lol

    there is always email and texting while you are away. you can keep in touch and let her know how fun college is, and how you wish she could see how great it is to see the positive in things.

    at your young age you dont need to start your life off worrying about something that has a 50 50 chance at being a wrong choice.

    thats a coin I wouldn't want to flip.

  • FayeDunaway

    I totally agree with finally awake and sowhatnow. You aren't a believer anymore...she most likely will stay in, unless you've talked to her about this and know you are both of the same inclination. If you do stay and date her and she's a real witness, you might be hot for her, but eventually it WILL be miserable not being i agreement about the religion. You will want to live your life, she will want to not let you. You will be pressured to get married very soon, because you will want to get physical.

    If you've talked about the religion and are in agreement, your chances are better. But in either case, GO TO COLLEGE. When in college write and text her and stuff. See if she is agreeing with you. Talk about meaningful things. If she's witnessy, you might meet someone else you like just as much. Your pond is currently pretty small.

  • ToesUp

    Go to college! You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. We tell our kids you have a lifetime to get married, have kids, buy a home, etc., but you are young only once....enjoy that time. You only get it once. I know I sound like a parent, and I am, but it's hard to concentrate when you are building a relationship, having children or paying a mortgage. The more distractions you have the better (right now).

    Enjoy your youth!!!!

  • UFCFan

    Thanks for the replies everyone, I kind of know that staying home isn't the smart choice but I'm a risk taker, I'm not exactly someone who takes the path that looks best.

  • FayeDunaway
    The predictable path would be to stay and get married and be a janitor. The risk IS college. But it's a worthwhile one. Freedom is the reward.
  • rebel8

    Risk takers usually do take the path that looks the most exciting and with the best possible outcome for them. You seem to be saying you know dating her isn't either--you want to take a different route in life.

    I have little idea what it's like now to date as a dub, but you are saying it's still that dating is supposed to be leading to marriage and that's it. Also chaperones. Sounds the same.

    Being "awake" and trying to pretend you aren't in order to date someone will just end up with both of you hurting deeply. You are not compatible, and you won't be unless you change back to believing 100% what's taught to you at the hall and in the literature and all that entails. This means being totally stoked about a new bible being released, jw dot org videos about literature carts and cartoon boys going to Bethel, spending your summers pioneering and at assemblies, being a jw husband/spiritual head, "gatherings" being your usual Friday night, going to weddings and the Memorial being your only "holiday", Awakes being your sole intellectual stimulation, and washing windows for a living.

    So my advice is, obviously, don't do it. There are lots of fish in the sea.

    I've been scarred for life and was nearly killed several times because of that religion. Imagine that being how you spend your one life, having kids and making them be involved too.

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