Greetings all,
I posted awhile back, been "lurking" pretty much daily over the past months and from reading everyone's posts - I actually have gotten to know some of you... sort of... if you read my profile you will know I was a lifer, pretty much knee deep in the 'Borg (picking up the slang...) was in the "club"... pioneer, elder... basic typical drone...
I stopped cold turkey last fall - didn't go to memorial, special assembly day, district convention, circuit assembly... no field service in almost a year... these are all firsts... and I am 40 years old...
Guess what, I have ignored phone calls, messages from the cong elders, everyone was panic'd for the first 3 months or so... then it all stopped... no calls... they have written me off I guess... of course it has helped that I moved 45 minutes south of my congo, back to my home town - where everyone in the congs around here know me... the rumor mill has told them something is up, but since I'm not DF or DA, they don't know how to act - so they just ignore me...
I just need to vent abit - feeling down lately because of the things I have learned - feeling betrayed by my parents for joining such a cult. Blaming JW's for ruining my sister's lives, blaming JW's for wasting my life... I want to go to a meeting and yell during the public talk about how foolish everyone is for belonging to this cult...
It seems I have accepted the loss all of my conditional friends - hundreds of them in Central Indiana... I see them at the mall, at restaurants and they look right past me... kinda funny now, but it still hurts when my former friends - even the best man at my wedding - refuses to talk to me or even call to ask what is going on and why I stopped... I am invisible. I am free. I am ME!
Lots of emotions... lots of changes...
My father has not talked to me since last September... I left my wife of 20 years last October... She took a while to come to grips that I am trying to find who I am - outside the cult... that we married at age 19 because it was the "thing to do"... good examples we were! we regular pioneered in poverty for years... I had the typical janitorial business... We were so young - we didn't know each other, we didn't know ourselves... I hung on faithfully for 2 decades... not knowing myself... not even really knowing what love was, because the Watchtower didn't tell me... long story short, we get along better now than ever before - she actually has become inactive and rarely attends meetings - if only I was honest years ago, things may have been different... but the cult makes you put on a veneer and a "happy face" and you can't even be honest to yourself much less your spouse about how you really feel - don't want to cause trouble... the cult makes you weak and fearful... don't want people to think you are spiritually weak or have them gossip...
I read an economic article about belief in the future and capitalism and a comment really jumped out me that I'd like to share:
"Belief in the future is perhaps the most important value for a free society. It is what makes so many interested in getting an education, or investing in a project, or even being nice to their nighbours. If we think that nothing can improve or if we think the world is coming to an end, we don't work hard for a better and more civilised future. And we will all be miserable."
How true these words ring. Think about it... JW's do not plan for the future, they don't enjoy life now, they don't have goals that bring physical benefits... I was raised in a family where all energy was put towards field service, meetings, conventions, bible... yada yada. Hobbies were not encouraged, recreation was limited, no real family vacations except to go to the convention... creativity was stifled. My parents did not raise me - they let the Watchtower raise me. LAZY. Entire generations of JW's now that have no desires, no real tangible goals - what a waste!
I'm rambling now... too many thoughts pouring out and it's difficult to put into words my feelings - typical of one who has broken the bonds of a cult - and is repairing the damage... for those of us how spent decades in the cult and giving so much of theirselves - we are exhausted mentally and even physically when we realize it was all wasted effort. Each day I thank myself and nobody else, not god, allah, jah or whoever that I was finally man enough to stand up, think for myself and say "no more".
Question: what have you done/doing now to diffuse the anger/dismay/hurt ?
I've read many comments about getting a new "support" group of friends - and that is going well - I have lot's of real friends now - at work etc... so the social scene is good... I'm talking about how at night, when I close my eyes - I flash back to things that are so obviously cultish and controlling... it's almost an obsession with me... when I talk to my wife (we are still married... for now...) the conversation always ends with a rant from me about how I blame JW's... one day I looked to the sky and gave god the finger... we were talking about money and the lack of enough...
enough for now... thanks for letting me ramble...
EO