Disassociate or "Fade"

by done4good 33 Replies latest jw friends

  • garybuss

    I just walked away and in time they made their move on me. After any Witness I cared about was already shunning me by their own free will choice, I went public and started telling my story.

  • tetrapod.sapien

    welcome to the board,

    I know this has probably been discussed before, but I would like to take a poll of your thoughts as to what you personally would do, disassociate yourself or just fade over time. I've been in the process of "fading" myself since November of last year, (last meeting in January, and NEVER going back). I have been considering making it official though by formal letter of DA. I have a few JW family members, of which the only one's opinion that I would concern myself with being my sister. She knows my recent position, but perhaps just not how absolute it is. Let me know your thoughts. Thanks.

    like i tell people i know who are in this very predicament:

    it's your choice. there is no right or wrong way to do this. one thing is certain, (in the big picture if you will).... and that's that you (and your family members) will experience the same amount of pain regardless of the decision you make. it's like tearing the bandaid off, slowly, or quickly. but ultimately you end up at the same place. and that would be where you are no longer a witness, and everyone knows it. if you DA, everyone and yourself will be under a boatload of duress for a while. but it does go away. and if you fade, then everyone and yourself will be under little bits of duress at different times over the years. you dig?

    anyways, i DA'd myself because i didn't want to spend the next X number of years essentially lying to the people i loved about how i viewed the universe. there's this thing called intellectual freedom that, unfortunately, i hold more dear more than the feelings of the people i love. and that's because it is MY mind, and MY life. and i could not fathom doing the fade thing, and then in the end them still be hurt and confused and in that freaking cult. and actually, it has worked out well for me. several of my good friends are out now. they say it may have taken them much longer if i hadn't dropped a bomb like that last year.

    but that is just my opinion and experience.

    best wishes to you, and happy trails,


  • blondie

    I have faded but I'm prepared to DA if it comes to that. Better to DA than be DF'd.

    Really, each person has to look at their situation. Some have more family ties than others that would be disrupted if they DA'd. Others are already being treated as if they were da'd and so it makes no difference to them.

    Whatever you decide, look into the near and far future and imagine what could happen and how you will deal with it.

    For example, if you have a JW husband (wife) and minor children, how would it affect that relationship?

    Some people fade until they are prepared for the repercussions of DAing.


  • Athanasius

    Fade if you can get away with it.

  • Dansk

    If your family is still talking to you now and all you've done is stopped going to meetings (for good) and you aren't involved any other JW activities you've already started to fade. Why cause unnecessary problems by DAing? By DAing your family could all stop talking to you. It isn't worth it. FADE!!


  • done4good

    Thanks Everyone!!! It seems the majority is in favor of fading, even some who have made the decision to DA. I suppose in my sitation, no immidiate family, (divorced w/no children), and a good hour away from the closest cong. I been associated with ,this makes good sense. There sure is something to say for the intellectual honesty part of it though. Better get mentally prepared for it anyway if it comes to it...


  • sass_my_frass

    I say stick with the fade, unless you're one of those who needs 'closure' or fear the consequences of losing control of the situation, ie, you've done or said something that somebody with a bee in their bonnet will want you df'd for.

    In that case, get in touch with those you love first; get through to them and tell them everything you need to say. Then all you need to tell the elders is '*&%$!'

  • Blueblades

    Better to do the fade. If you DA. yourself, the announcement will be the same. So and So is no longer one of jw's. The congregation will not know if you DA., they will assume you have been DF. Unless you write letters to some of those you are close to and explain why you left.


  • jgnat

    Remember, for most religions, there is no formal exiting process. You just leave. It has been argued, here, that a formal DA process is feeding in to the WTS's nest of rules. And that by offering DA letters, you let WTS legal say, "See? Members CAN leave voluntarily."

    Yeah, right. Voluntarily leave the family and friends behind. It seems to me that the old USSR had the same "voluntary" defection policy.

    Though I am the LAST person to ask, because I've never had to face this choice, I strongly believe in giving the power of the exiting process in the hands of the exiting JW. Leave knowing the consequences, but leave your way. It's a great first step to independence.

  • Finally-Free

    This has come up before, and so far NO ONE has been able to offer a reasonable explanation for their statement that to DA is "following the WTS rules".

    How is warning someone to get the f*ck out of your life - or else - obeying watchtower rules? It's quite the opposite. It is siezing control over your own life and hurling the elders' impotence into their face.

    You want to know what "playing by their rules" is? It's cowering before them, being afraid to stand up like an adult and freely say what's on your mind - regardless of the consequenses. Playing by their rules includes submitting to their questions and giving lame excuses instead of standing up for yourself.


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