Nauseating Trip down memory lane.....

by caligirl 13 Replies latest jw friends

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  caligirl

  I was reading through a journal I kept for my oldest son when he was a baby, and came accross a couple of entries that just make me cringe. I was writing about my grandparents, the last of which passed away (not witnesses) when he was still less than a year old.

  The journal is written like a letter to him for when he is older. In that journal, I told him how sad I felt that he would not be able to know his grandparents, but that he would see them in the "resurrection" It made me feel sick to my stomach, and I am thinking about altering it, or at least adding a PS to it about not believing it, but part of me also thinks I should leave it as I wrote it then.

  As I was reading it, I remember feeling uncomfortable writing that down but at the time I somehow felt obligated to refer to it. It was shortly after those journal entries that I made my final decision to stop going to meetings like I had wanted to for years. I regret that I never experienced a family christmas or sent my grandparents a birthday card. I I found out a few years ago that my grandmother had told my cousin that she thought I would leave it. I wish that I could have been in on that discussion or had the chance to tell her myself that she was right.
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  anewme

  I understand what you are saying.
  
  My father died before I left the org. He always lamented my joining it. Over time he resigned himself I guess. No birthday cards from his daughter,no valentines or Christmas cards.
  
  He died a couple of years before I got dfd at 83 years old.
  
  Just yesterday I was thinking of him so strongly and wishing he was here to talk with.
  
  I know he would approve of my leaving and my life now.
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  LDH

  I know he would approve of my leaving and my life now.

  good sentiments from both!
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  Virgochik

  I came across some photos of my Grandfather. It reminded me of all the years we left him sit alone on holidays. He was a widower since Grandma died from not having a blood transfusion. I just feel so awful, I have to put the pictures back in the box. Too late to make it up to him. Memory pain lane...
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  TweetieBird

  I share your pain...my father da'd himself about 6 years before he died and tried to talk to me. He felt so guilty about getting his family into the cult. I didn't take the blinders off until after he died and had major guilt for a while. One time he made the comment about not even getting a Fathers Day Card, couldn't understand what was so wrong with that. Anyway, one of my siblings (first one out of the cult) told me that dad always felt like I would be the one to come around.
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  karen96

  what painful memories for you all! my heart goes out to you.

  if any thought may help you, i hope that it would be that your experiences may help someone else reach out to their unbelieving family.

  karen
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  fullofdoubtnow

  I know how you feel. When I became a jw, my parents were sort of ok with it, but when I decided to forsake the career as a teacher that I had always intended to pursue, and had been to university for, and work part - time so I could pioneer, my father in particular was devastated. He thought I was throwing away my life for nothing, and he died a few years ago, while I was still a jw, so he went to his grave thinking that way. Now I'm out, I often wish I could turn the clock back a few years and tell him he was right all along, but I can't.
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  caligirl

  My Grandfather always felt that my Dad became a witness just to spite him. My Grandfather essentially disinherited my Dad over the whole issue. I think my Dad became a witness because they told him he would see his Mom again in 1975 when the big A came. (she had died 7 years before my parents were sucked in)
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  BlackSwan of Memphis

  caligirl:
  I have two journals that I kept pretty faithfully up until my departure from the dubs.
  Looking through it I would talk about Jehovah often and how they need to stay faithful to him etc etc.
  
  When I left I started two new journal for the girls, this time I'm encouraging them to think for themselves.
  I'm not sure what I'll do about the first two journals other then to put a disclaimer in the beginning.
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  Seeker4

  I've kept journals pretty regularly since I was 14 or so - I have a shelf full. Some entries, I'm sure would be pretty embarrassing, but I also think they may reveal the transition in my thinking over the decades.

  There are lots of regrets, among them refusing to go to my sister's wedding in a Catholic church - you know the reason why. She had wanted me to walk her down the aisle, as our father had died shortly after I was born. I've apologized to her since then. As Witnesses we could be such self-righteous pricks!

  S4