by Cabin in the woods 34 Replies latest jw friends
I'm getting the impression that Frank doesn't back you up. It also sounds like good ole Frank was trying to force you to attain a body shape that was closer to his ideal ...hence the no-vacation-for-you thing. Makes me want to smack him. Hard. Not trying to be offensive, but that makes my blood boil.
Girl, if you can figure out how to dump him and his stupid relatives.... ::deep breath:: Sorry...temper, temper. LOL
I am not a shy person but how do you stand up for yourself when you there is no one listening.
This is tough.
I think in the end you vote with your feet.
If he is not listening, you just say nothing, book youself a vacation, and go. (even of it is a pretend vacation, cos you have no money, and you go to the YMCA for a week).
Then he has to wash his own clothes, cook his own food, sleep in an empty bed and come home to an empty house for a week.
Pretend you have been to Hawaii to visit an old school friend who invited you free of charge.
Believe it or not I HAVE told her off. When I got done she/they surely knew where the bear pooped in her woods!!!
I even told her if she thought that her brother was all that wonderful she could jolly well take him home and keep him. I reminded her that she has a full upstairs that is not used at all at her house and honey, I am certain that he will pay rent. Told her that more than once and not very nicely either. Oh yes, her ridiculous clapping seal of a brother had been sitting there while I was educating her about this at least onece.
I also have said that I do NOT wish to ride with her and that I want to go with Frank. She then goes behind my back and even though I told him the story he still says yes to her wishes. I end up staying home. Glad to do it too.
Have you ever had a dream that you were in a room with other people and you are talking to them and they can neither hear nor see you? I swear to god that is exactly how it is here. Whether I am trying to be nice or lambasting them their eyes are glazed over and I am invisible.
My mother... who would have been 99 this year... always said... honey, ignorance is bliss!
Mom was a wise woman. They must be very happy people
cab
Hi Cabin - this sure sound like a first class mess. I have one thought on this of the post for the public class (and maybe something later privately, glad to hear from you again even in times of trouble):
It is IMHO entirely possible for people to be genuine selfish control freaking jerks with their family whether they are JW or not. In my own family, I have seen a person leave the JWs, move on to a controlling fundie church, and continue to act the exact same way. In our case, the same "pick the nursing home in secrecy", "hide the way we borrowed money from mom's account", etc. was all post leaving the JWs on the part of every single party.
Maybe people in this situation (like myself and quite a few others) need to reflect on the basic human tendencies of the people involved separated from the complication of JWs. No apology here for the horrible JW religion; I am just saying that just because some family members leave it, does not exactly make them the ideal relatives automatically.
I posted this idea on the naru-naru (sic, close as I can remember her handle) posters thread about her brother's situation a few days ago, too.
Hang tough, YF James
Cabin in the woods:
Frank stated clearly when we first got married that I was not going to be taken on any vacation...period...ever. I wasn't as pretty as his other girfriends and not as slender and he did not think that I was worthy of being taken away from home for a few days. This has been an ongoing hurt for the full time of our marriage.
And you remained married to this man....why exactly? If your husband doesn't respect you, and you don't respect yourself, how do you expect your sister-in-law to do so?
Cabininthewoods
***She just calls and says she is changing plans...***
If you're not willing to leave your husband, then you have to remove yourself from his and his sister's sicko relationship. If they make plans, refuse to have anything to do with them.
***If there is a funeral in the family she insists that Frank rides WITH her (she drives) and oh yeah if I want to come I can sit in the back***
Refuse to attend the funeral or drive yourself in a separate car. If they say you're being petty, tell them riding in the back seat makes you carsick. Be blatant with the lie; they'll get the message.
***Frank stated clearly when we first got married that I was not going to be taken on any vacation...period...ever.***
Plan and take your own vacations, either alone or with a friend. Don't ask Frank's permission to go.
***She knows this and every year stops in a week or so after they go to Maine or after their many road trips and tells me what fun they had and the places that they went for shopping etc.***
Refuse to talk to her entirely. Say you have a sudden-onset headache and leave the room. Come back only after she has left. She'll soon get the message.
I know these measures may seem rude, but you're being rude to yourself by allowing the sister to belittle you to your face. I have in-laws similar to your sister, and although my husband backs me up 100% (bless him!), I don't expect him to fight all my battles. When an in-law treats me rudely, my self-respect refuses to allow them to walk all over me. It's hard to do this at first, especially if you've been brought up to be polite and considerate to everyone, but it gets easier with time and your stress and anger will diminish. The sister may also reduce her bad behavior if she realizes you're not going to just sit there and take it anymore. If she or Frank say you're being small-minded and petty, tell her she taught you well.
I wasn't as pretty as his other girfriends and not as slender and he did not think that I was worthy of being taken away from home for a few days. This has been an ongoing hurt for the full time of our marriage.
Oh sweetie, this has to be so painful. I don't think I would be able to truly love someone after that. 52 is not old and I don't care if you looked like my jiggly butt. You did not deserve that. And some people like my butt, so you know, there is someone that would think you are a treasure...sometimes it all boils down to you treating yourself like a treasure.
I say take a trip and think about where you are. You might not want to live your life out feeling this way the rest of the time. And if you do want to stay, take time to do more for YOU. Go drive, take a roadtrip. You know it may be that all these years you do have love beyond all the hurt of some of the things he does, but you need to find something that really helps you feel better. When that happens it may be easier to decide what you want to do when you are not seeing the world from a trodden down point of view.
Your heart must be heavy.
You deserve better than this. You can't change him but you can change your life by making yourself a real priority in your own life. You need to have some fun...a change of scenery does wonders to improve your outlook!
Coffee
Really- let me tell you how to get back at your sister in law. When there is any future problem with grandpa and you are called upon to help, just reply-"Oh, let Lori handle it- she's much better at it than I am." Repeat this phrase as often as necessary, until you do not have this job anymore and she and your husband have to take care of everything no matter the time-day or night. Then, you take care of your work and clients. Let Lori fume and burn, and you just smile sweetly in return.
Since it sounds like you do work, you must be a capable person. You must make some money. By all means, save some, and get with a family member or friend and take a vacation. After telling Frank your plans, just tell him you knew he wouldn't want to go, then fill him in when you return on the fun details. Do not depend on this man for happiness. It seems he wants you to have very little.
And you remained married to this man....why exactly? If your husband doesn't respect you, and you don't respect yourself, how do you expect your sister-in-law to do so?
I agree with this.Go on a vacation...but make it a permanent one.This Man is humilliating you in front of his stooopid family.
