Hi Cabin - this sure sound like a first class mess. I have one thought on this of the post for the public class (and maybe something later privately, glad to hear from you again even in times of trouble):
It is IMHO entirely possible for people to be genuine selfish control freaking jerks with their family whether they are JW or not. In my own family, I have seen a person leave the JWs, move on to a controlling fundie church, and continue to act the exact same way. In our case, the same "pick the nursing home in secrecy", "hide the way we borrowed money from mom's account", etc. was all post leaving the JWs on the part of every single party.
Maybe people in this situation (like myself and quite a few others) need to reflect on the basic human tendencies of the people involved separated from the complication of JWs. No apology here for the horrible JW religion; I am just saying that just because some family members leave it, does not exactly make them the ideal relatives automatically.
I posted this idea on the naru-naru (sic, close as I can remember her handle) posters thread about her brother's situation a few days ago, too.
Hang tough, YF James