~sigh~ Hoping for a little bit of commiseration, or at the very least someone tell me this is normal and this too shall pass? I'm in SUCH a weird funk. I DA'd almost a month ago and truthfully, since then, I feel so much weight lifted. I can think, I can feel, I can research the crap out of wherever on the internet I want and when finally tired of that, I can read some more in CoC. In many ways, I'm the happiest I've been in over 15 years. I'm "me" again, or at least on the road to finding that person, no barriers.
But I'm funky... I guess I *do* somewhat miss a few of the 'friends' at the KH. Maybe not so much the friends, but the 'something to do' & the social stuff -- lunch on my day off with a couple friend, out for a beer with another single sister, hellos in the hallway with a sister that works at the same hospital that I do, jeepin around with the elder's wife, talking football with the guys... All this I do miss and it does make me sad. Sad in the "I'm friggin LONELY!" way... My friends (worldly... the best, loyal kind) at work have been the most supportive, kindest, "c'mere and cry on my shoulder" kind that I've known and loved (unconditionally, I might add) ALSO for the past 15 years (when I moved to this town & started work here). Interesting who turned out to be the truer friends out of the JW vs Wordlings.
I went to BS tonight cuz I'm still in the process of weaning my kids off the poisonous milk at the KH. That sorta messed with my head a little bit. I hadn't been back to a meeting since leaving early on March 9th before my DA announcement. Actually -- I went just this past Thurs and that was weird, also. But for some reason, tonight bugged the crap out of me. I mostly spaced the study (kept thinking "read and reapeat" as I'd read here and thought it totally fit), heard every canned phrase louder than life ("helps us to appreciate" blah blah) -- I think I could see a small "TM" after every phrase that was zombie-speak. LOL You bunch of corruptors, you! (thank you. ) It took a bit of strength to NOT jump up and say "this is all BULLSHIT!" and run out the door... As it was, my 10yo looked at me funny when I sniffed at some stupid remark or another. The elder conducting was one on my JC -- one that I wrote the scathing DA letter to. So it was close to panic-attack feeling just to be in the same room as him. I just hate this -- I want to be able to walk away. But I can't. Yet. I'm working on the kids and actually making some great headway. The girls (12 and 10) and I had a great conversation last Thurs -- about the organ transplant changes and the unfairness of the outcomes for those who either took them and were DF or didn't take them and died... More to it, but I know I got them thinking. They're smart kids, I am still in goddess position for awhile yet so they eat and breathe what I tell them. So I have hope that they will have their own 'new light' in time.
But back to me... cuz this is about me... :) So I'm in this phase of "no friends" and it sucks. You guys all here have been wonderful, even if you don't know it. I've spent hours reading. (huh, ok, maybe THAT is why I have no IRL friends...LOL) This past weekend -- on my butt at the computer, msn-ing my brother, downloading music and reading JWD, freeminds etc. My work friends, although awesome and supportive, are all... older... than me, OR have families or SOs. So not quite enough in common to do stuff with. Gawd, I sound whiney... I know, I need to just go seeking... 15 years of having "instant friends" and a social circle, suddenly ending -- I have no idea how to do this.
/whine off
Thanks for listening.
~merfi