There was alot of pain and hurt and shock and angst at first when I was dfd after serving Jehovah for 35 years. I accepted that I had crossed a line on Christian conduct.
But WHY did I?????? Why after so long did I fall apart and behave so? I felt there was more to explore about the problem. But the unloving way I was handled was to just kick me out.
The action did not help my marriage. It placed all the blame on me instead of it being shared by my husband and family members. Because of the shunning order I did not receive the needed counseling and family love and discussion about the core problem that I might otherwise have gotten in a different religion. I felt so unloved and misunderstood and hated that I could not recover from the discipline. It was too harsh for me. I always knew I would never be able to endure disfellowshipping.
After a couple of years out and away from my JW family I realized my life had calmed. I had stopped all the conduct that got me in trouble in the first place. I felt the need to apologize to Jehovah formally. So I went back to a KH and made a six month effort to get reinstated. After two letters of apologies and six months of meetings I felt I had had enough. I felt I had apologized and shown I was recovered etc. what more did they want? Now, it felt like a waiting game.
One day I was driving to the KH for the Sunday meeting and when I got there I just pulled the car over to the side and sat there looking at the little drab building. It began to rain.
I asked myself why I was going?
It was now 5 years since I'd seen my family and friends.
In that time have any of them tried to contact me? No.
Have any of them slipped me an email or card? No.
Do I really want to be burdened with the 5 meetings a week for the rest of my life? No
Do I want to participate in Field Service again and have to associate with obedient dubs again? No
Why am I doing this? I dont know.
Do I love the creator? Yes.
Am I sorry for my past sins? Yes
Am I going to continue to try and be a good citizen? Yes
Are all the people outside this KH bad people? No, no way.
Why am I doing this? I dont know.
Do the elders love me? No I dont think so.
Does my ex love me? No, not the same for sure.
Is my family thinking of me right now? Probably not.
Did my witness family ever think of me? Not much.
Do they think of me and miss me as much as I miss them? Absolutely not.
Am I just following the same old people pleasing pattern I did as a child that got me in many of my messes including the JW in the first place? Yep
Let's try something different in the second half of life Anewme!
I started the car, put it in reverse and turned it around and never went back.
So to answer your question Angry?
No.
No more.
I am free.
Anewme
ANGRY WANGRY!!
by lowden 21 Replies latest jw friends
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anewme
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Dr Jekyll
lol @ OpenFireGlass's stoner aspostapussy
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Dr Jekyll
I used to be REALLY angry. I had sacrificed so much for the "truth" and found myself with nothing to show for it. They promised me paradise then took it away and boy was I mad. One night I decided to get a little bit even, I went off to my old congregation and egged the windows. I saved one and on the way back i stopped off at the PO's house and his house got that one.
Might seem a petty thing to do but it made me feel good at the time.
Going off topic a bit I noticed that even those still in have a lot of internal anger and aggression. I've seen brothers completely loose it in fights and I've seen doors and partition walls in brothers homes with punch holes in them where brother righteous has lost his temper at something and lashed out.
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lowden
You guys really do rock y'know!! Great stories. By the way Anewme....love the avatar, it's my favourite flower the Helianthus (Sunflower).I always end up reading your posts no matter where they are...because of that happifying image.
Peace to ya
Lowden
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Amnesty Vendor
<div>The following site made for intersting reading along these lines:
http://www.coping.org
This information is similar, if not the same as other sources.
It was a quick and easy read that you may find helpful.
Any major life change (divorce, death, job change, moving, etc.) follows similar patterns.
Whatever negative feeling you have will not last forever.
When it passes you will definitely feel better!
Best wishes!</div> -
nelly136
count my blessings, i might not make good choices all the time but leaving was definately the best one ever.
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Virgochik
Anewme, I love reading your posts. You've gone through so much and come through it all so gracefully!
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Balsam
I have no one to blame except myself for trusting in an organization that I didn't research throughly before joining when I was 20yrs old. I could do the blame game but ultimately we have to look to ourselves if we willingly joined the religion like I and my ex-husband did.
For those who were raised in it ,you had no choice until you were able to leave your parents lifes. You have a right to be bitter for any mistreatment you may have suffered. My children have every reason to blame my ex-husband and I for raising them in the JW religion. One of my son's refused blood after a car accident just as we taught him and he died. My other sons and I stood feeling helpless as their Dad refused blood for Dak . We didn't understand it was in our power to shout NO and demand the doctors give Dak blood to save him. Instead, like sheep lead to the slaughter we willing followed the WTBTS directives and Dak died.
Our lives are in our own hands at the point we are adults and can make our own choices. We have to take responsiblity for staying in a religion that had a sickening strangle hold on us because of the twisted reasoning of a bunch of very old men who have the power.
My heart aches for the ones raised in the JW who had hard lives. I though have no one to blame because I trusted easier than I should have from a reasonable stand point.
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jgnat
I'm a woman of action. I get even.
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MsMcDucket
I have no one to blame except myself for trusting in an organization that I didn't research throughly before joining when I was 20yrs old. I could do the blame game but ultimately we have to look to ourselves if we willingly joined the religion like I and my ex-husband did.
I started studying with the witnesses when I was about 25 years old. I wasn't really in to it. In 1984, when my husband had his hemipelvectomy, I started questioning my religious beliefs. I came to believe that anything could happen to anyone at any time. In come the witnesses, with their death and gloom story, the salvation at Armageddon and how everyone would be cured of their illnesses in the "New System". Perfect timing. I was depressed and looking for a reason to why such a devastating/handicapping illness had occurred to my husband. We were both young. My husband is a few years older than me, but 34 is a young age to have your entire leg and half of your pelvis amputated due to cancer. I started believing the stuff that they were telling me. And the rest is history...
My husband never did get baptized into the religion. Thank GOD!!! I am mad at them. I feel that they took advantage of me at a vulnerable time. They really had me going. Had me thinking that I had to inculcate this sh*t into my children, which I did. The sorrow that this has brought to me is beyond explanation. I don't ever want to let myself become so vulnerable again. This religion and the one that I was raised in has turned me against organized religion. I do believe in the saying that it's "impossible for man to direct his own step" this includes the witnesses.
My twins have forsaken me for the religion. I taught them about Jehovah, not the Watchtower. I should of taught them about the Watchtower. That was my mistake. I still felt that they were Jehovah's prophets and that it would be some sort of blasphemy to even think badly of them! I didn't dare read apostate sites. They really have their followers afraid to look up the origins of the religion and the failed prophecies. I don't know if this would have made a difference or not, with all the mind control that they use....but anyway, I see the truth now...a little too late.
The witnesses helped to break-up my family. Yes, I'm angry! Those SOB's!!!