by whyizit 61 Replies latest jw friends
I just wondered if you would share the "moment" you had, when you KNEW the WTS was not right and that you needed to leave?
Yes I did...and I remember exactly what happened.
I'd been reading COC and it all hit me when I hit a certain paragraph( can't remember which one though )...and I fell on my kitchen floor and cried my eyes out.
Gumby
I was actually out in service when the first thoughts to leave hit me. It was the third or fourth hour of service on a blustery Saturday afternoon. My elder husband of 20 years was auxilliary pioneering and I was his unwilling Saturday afternoon partner (due to his scheduled partner flaking, which happened alot) I was exhausted and had already participated in the morning. Although I complained of feeling ill he made me go along.
He had cornered a person at the door and was into it about 45 minutes when I began to cough. I coughed and coughed and hacked and choked and gasped. I looked at him and with my eyes begged him to stop and lets go home. He finally turned to me and told me to wait in the car if I felt like it. My chest felt so heavy like a truck was sitting on it. I was too sick and weak to cry in the car. My marriage passed before me like one long scene of struggle. All my life all I ever wanted was to be loved. And thats the one thing I felt I had never found. It occured to me my husband would rather I DIED FAITHFUL than to live a happy life.
Maybe it was the fever, but very disloyal thoughts entered my heart that day.
That evening I drove myself to emergency and was put on antibiotics for pneumonia.
So it wasnt the pedophile issues or scriptural misinterpretation or elders or anything like that for me that opened my eyes. I just felt like I was dying. I thought I'd find love and family in the organization of JW but I did not.
I left and found the beautiful nourishing love I've been looking for my whole life (See full life story on another web site) All of the problems I have had my whole life are simply melting away in this new life of freedom and love.
I was sitting in an assembly listening to "experiences" that sounded like they were straight from TBN ministries. They were obviously bullshit...
How can I explain... Have you seen the prepaid cell phone commercial where the guys in the bar and gets jumped by "poser mobile" and he watches them for a few seconds then says "You guys are morons, I'm outa here..."
THAT is EXACTLY how I felt! I left went back to the hotel and never went (except to memorial the next year... never since) again!
Wow, some fantastic experiences! I was sitting right here, in this chair, looking at this very website and reading about 607, the Un scandal and many others, I spent a whole day straight doing it. I had arrived here by searching for 607/586 after being prompted to do that by a work colleague that asked me to prove it to her (very clever apostasy!! She didn't tell me til after she had once been a witness!)
The next day was I think the happiest of my life. I just kept giggling out loud to myself that I didn't have to do it anymore!! Now of course I cant believe I did it so long, but also accept many cleverer people than me are fooled.
I saw a sister out in service just today and just felt incredibly sorry for her! I was going to the pub to have lunch with my friends, wearing my jeans and feeling so happy. She looked tired, weighed down, cold and dressed like an old lady!!
Poppy
where was I? Right here, at my desk at work, surfing the internet! Hee.
I was sitting in a chair at the Kingdom Hall during a CO visit. I was disfellowshipped and was trying to be reinstated. The Hall was very crowded, all seats were taken and many were standing along the walls. My doubts resurfaced as I watched the scene unfold before me. It was as if I was the only one in the Hall watching a movie that all the Witnesses were in. I was praying to Jehovah to push the thoughts out of my mind of the hypocrisy of the Witnesses. I began sobbing as if my heart had been broken....it had, because I could no longer force myself to believe it was the truth. I prayed to Jehovah to help me; surely this must be Satan trying to keep me from reinstatement. But--the truth, as ugly as it was, was out and I could no longer deny it to myself. As many have posted on this thread, the feeling of being so alone was soul piercing. After all, who could I tell about the depths of my despair? Who could possibly understand? I was the only Witness in my family and small circle of wordly friends. I was on the outside, the Witnesses were on the inside. That was five years ago.
I waxed nostalgic last year thinking to myself, "maybe it is the truth. I'll attend the next convention." I went on the web to find directions to it and lo and behold, I got this site instead. It's crystal clear now. The giant weight that had pulled me down so many years of my life was gone and I was free. It was a bright and sunny day.
The last straw hit me on the weekend of the circuit assemble. My youngest baby was only a few weeks old so my parents decided to come and help me with the kids. (ages 16mths, 3yrs and newborn).
Ironically the day my parents were coming down they got a call that my brother was getting disfellowshipped. My parents were all upset, but came to the assembly anyway. My 16mth old got terribly sick, high fever that we went back to the hotel early.
My parents had me drive them to see my brother because they wanted to talk to him "one last time" and give him some bible councel about making his marriage a 3 fold bla bla bla( his marriage was done in secret because of fornication). They were all feeling sorry for the poor guy getting married without family.
Later with emotions running high mom and I were sitting in the van, my mom asks "why are my children so retarded?" So I told her!!! She started crying and we were kind of yelling. My step-dad realizing my mom is all upset so he hops in the van and starts telling me to shut my big mouth..... I told him I wouldn't and I took off out of the parking lot. Dad exits the vehicle while I'm driving and goes rolling down the street. Mom starts screaming and I call him a dumbass for jumping out.
Then of all things my little 3yr old says "mommy why did you push papa out the door?" That was when I realized that there is something totally wrong with this organisation and vowed to figure it out. Within about 7mths I had written my DA letter and walked away.
Moanzy
Wow! I wish I could claim the mind-boggling epiphany that some have described here. For me, it was just a slow realization, starting with the Babylon the Great book - that all of human history could not be just a backdrop waiting for the arrival of an insignificant little cult called Jehovah's Witnesses. And then, I could not do it anymore. Halleleujah! Free at last, thank God, I'm free at last!
Hadn't seen this thread when it was started. Just read it cover to cover.
I can't state that there was an absolute moment that I can point to - like where were you when Kennedy was shot and so forth. But it was somewhere between the start of CoC and the end of ISoCF. It was winter and I would secretly go to the back of my favorite coffee shop and read the book. Sometimes witnesses would come in from service for coffee, and I would hide the books. I was scared and confused that what I had believed for 43 yrs was lies.
I had doubts of sorts for a long time previous - particularly about the lack of Christlike love. The 1914 Generation change in '95 was a lightning bolt of sorts, but it was 9 years later before I found the courage to really take a look. I just hovered after I knew for a few months. Then I found this site and my healing started in earnest.
5 months after I found out the 'truth about the truth' my mom died. Although I had never said a word to anyone outside of my family [not witnesses] about what I knew, the loving congregation 'boycotted' mom's funeral as if we had the Bubonic Plague. That iced the cake. If there was ever any doubt in my mind about what I had discovered - those self righteous bastard elders who orchastrated such a lack of love and concern made it clear as a bell to me. There was never anything close to love in that organization.
Now I sit in that same coffee shop reading all sorts of 'disaproved materials'. I dare one of the evil bastards to ever come in and say a word.
Jeff
i was at home trying convice myself that i would be able to dispell any apostate ideas ... thanks a lot guys! Really. Thanks a lot!
