Let's start this again for Ajsmama

by undercover 24 Replies latest jw friends

  • undercover

    I felt bad for the newbie that came here for some advise and her thread got locked due to the immaturity of a few folks.

    I know she could restart her own thread, but being new she might be reluctant to get involved with us again after that sorry display of manners before.

    I hope I'm not out of line, but I'll start a new thread for her. Below is her original post. Let's see if we can give her some good advice and give her any experiences we've had that could help. Thanks.

    Original post by "Ajsmama":

    Hey everybody hows it goin? I am brand new here and hoping someone could give me some kind advise

    I am engaged to and recently had a baby with a disfellowshipped JW. His family has completly refused to accept me or my newborn. They have kept some very loose contact with him seince he was D'Fd but have mostly been cold and distant.

    He rarely talks about the "religion" anymore but he has said as recently as 5mos ago that he would consider going back. This scares the crap out of me!!!!!!!!! I was never part of them and the little knowledge I have attained has been, to say the least, alarming.

    I guess the question I have is what are the rate of relapses? How can I prevent it? And should I force him to cut what loose ties he has left with his family for the sake of my own?

    Any advise on how to handle this would be much apprieciated!

  • jgnat

    Welcome again, ajsmama!

    The rate of return is pretty high, especially when the adult children settle down and start a family. Your boyfriend/fiancee needs friends outside the society. That's the best protection against a return.

    AND, don't openly criticize the society. JW's, even those who have walked away, consider this "opposition from the devil" and will often refuse to listen to anything else you have to say. This is the top newbie mistake for partners of JW's, and the damage can literally take years to undo. Instead, ask leading questions about what he thinks and believes.

    And you are right, you can't "make" anyone do something they don't want themselves. They only end up resentful. Your job is to encourage him to come to this conclusion himself.

    You want to help him think things through on his own.

  • greendawn

    Welcome to the forum Ajsmama, unfortunately the JWs disown any of their members that abandon their fold even if s/he is a close relative that's how fanatical they are, they corrupt even the parent-child bond.

    I don't think your boy friend will finally return to the JWs given their criminal record as a religion, they caused many to die by banning blood transfusions plus suicides from shunning, also they brought about the destruction of many marriages. Their leaders claim to have a unique connection to God as his elite channel for passing on info to mankind but they are unable to produce any stable dogma.

  • James Free
    James Free
    His family has completly refused to accept me or my newborn.

    Yes I agree, don't openly criticise the Org., it will not help. Your comment, quoted above, is sad. Clearly they blame you for their son's situation. Try to get him to see how their attitude is unchristian, even against the JW style - where they would usually try to get you to study too. You are not married yet, and they may be still hoping to break up the relationship before you marry.

    He may be considering returning just to restore his family and friends. If that is why it's not likely to hurt you too much.

    If, however, he wants to return because he still believes it is the 'truth' and has 'repented' then you have a difficult situation. It could tear you both apart. How much effect this would have depends on how much you love each other, how much YOU are willing to compromise (since the religion will not let him) and how much pressure comes from family and his congregation. It will definitely be difficult.

  • Legolas

    Welcome to the board!

    I would advise that you arm yourself with the facts about the cult.

    Some great books....'Crisis of Conscience' and 'In Search of Christian Freedom'..both by Raymond Franz.

    Look in the 'Best Of' serious here.

    And you will get alot of good responses from the people here!

  • Narkissos

    Welcome ajsmama,

    Plenty of good advice thus far.

    As your bf is (still) df'd you might suggest him to have a look at this board. Don't postulate that he will abide by the WT's rules against "apostates" until he does so. This is actually a great place for him both to see the other side of the "truth" and make new friends who can relate to his experience for having been there.

    Best wishes.

  • snarf

    Aske him if he needs to go back because he wants a relationship with his family ( which is understandable just having a little one...congrats!!!). Or if his desire is for religous reasons. Whatever the decison is, usually the best thing is to support him in which ever decision he makes. Try not to hound him too much in the beginning when he feels positively towards the religion, use that time to research for yourself some issues he may have discussed with you that troubled him about the religion. As soon as he gets more serious about looking into it again, I am sure he will have a moment of panic and start talking about the bothering issues, then you will be prepared and can discuss them with him. Good luck!

  • Sad emo
    Sad emo

    Welcome Ajsmama

    His family has completly refused to accept me or my newborn.

    I don't know if you're familiar with the saying 'cutting off your nose to spite your face' meaning the only ones who really lose out are them by rejecting a beautiful grandchild and (potential) daughter-in-law.

    How can I prevent it?

    Hard answer but you can only try influence him against going back. Ultimately the decision is his. If he does go back, this will have implications for you - pressure for you to join or for him to break up with you and you need to be prepared for that.

    Do you know why he got disfellowshipped? Perhaps there will be info on this forum which you can use to help him realise that his disfellowshipping was actually a good thing!!

    And should I force him to cut what loose ties he has left with his family for the sake of my own?

    My gut feeling is no. What purpose would it serve? They still won't want contact with you either way, it would just antagonise your b/f. Back to my first comment - they are doing a perfectly good job of hurting themselves, you don't really need to do anything!

    All the best - and congrats on your newborn!

  • Beachbender

    "Welcome Ajsmama"!! Hope fully you come back to read the positive posts! Looking forward to reading more from you.

  • Sad emo
    Sad emo


    hope you're back today ajsmama

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