One of my embarrassing moments goes like this:
I'm rapidly fading from the truth. My stimuli is a cute girl. We had been dating for a few weeks, and, as virgins, we were holding to abstinence. (As to me I have to add that by taking the plunge, I felt I was shitting in Jehovah's face). So, the time had come when we decided we were ready ( Oh, God I was ready), to take our relationship up a gear. I booked tickets for Paris, and off we went. The embarrassing moment happens between 'I booked tickets for Paris' and 'off we went'.
In sheer fear, I went to the local drug store to purchase the necessary protection. This is the first time I had done this. I decided to invoke all my JDub trained ballsiness and demand the finest condoms known to humanity. With this bravado, I enter the store at start my scout. I look around to assess the battle field. 'OK, a couple a older women in search of vein treatment and a mother 'n' child hunting lozenges. More importantly, NO JEHOVAHS WITNESSESS'. Not bad, I can deal with this.
I go to the counter of required equipment ('Why oh why does it always have to be the prescription counter'), and spy who's ('more importantly, which sex, and is she cute), manning the store. OK, an older lady with the appropriate scholarly glasses. I'm in heaven.
There are a plethora of choices, so, with the two old women unconcerned with me, mother and child preoccupied, and a wizened practitioner, my ballsy facade cannot fail !
I look down at the varieties, and choose the closest, normal looking pack hoping there are no donkeys involved, and quickly give them to the woman behind the counter; pay, and exit.
While driving back home, with a huge smile of accomplishment I decided to inspect my trophy. Taking my prize I read the marketing flavour to which I'm going to espouse to my girlfriend on our vacation. The title reads: "Shaped Condoms".
O M F G !!!!!
Shaped Condoms. SHAPED CONDOMS !!! I am about to introduce my girlfriend and I to the beautiful human experience of sexual courtship, with a dick shaped like a giraffe !!!
I turn around and head back to the store.
On entering, the store is entertaining a fuller clientele. In panic, I head to the counter, ignoring social etiquette of the queuing system, to obtain an exchange of sexual apparatus.
The counter is empty of personnel. Behind the partition I see the wised practitioner and a new accomplice. A REALY FIT Girl, who then catches my eye, and comes out to serve me, (with haste I can now understand as a person who sees somebody in needy assistance).
What am I going to do?
JDub intolerance kicks in. "I'm sorry but I bought these in error, and I wish to exchange them".
The girl takes the condoms, shakes her head and says: "I'm sorry, but we can't accept these as they are already opened".
ALREADY OPENED! W T F !!!!!!!!!!!!
She hands me back the pack and I see that the seal has broken. I must have done this in my panic. What am I going to do?
Thank you JDub training! I ignore everything around me and deny all responsibility of said broken condom pack seals. "I didn't open that pack" "It must have been broken already" .... and bunch more denials and questioning. Meanwhile, the store shoppers had an interesting new focus to their normally mundane pharmaceutical gatherings. And it was me! (As a side comment, I've always known how young kids can be cruel in school to other kids, but, this has nothing on Granny's with vein issues).
After a few minuets of responsibility debating she goes back to consult with the pharmacist, returning with a two page exchange form that I have to fill out. I kick-in my trained cognitive dissonance on the whole situation ant give my account and personal details. I take my time in choosing a safer-sounding pack of condoms. And exit.