UBMs - why do we love JWs??

by Super_Becka 52 Replies latest social relationships

  • Check_Your_Premises
    Why do all the rest of my fellow UBMs out there stand by their JWs?? Why put up with the hassle??

    I do it because I am married with children. If I left my wife, some jag-off jw would be banging my wife, living in my house, driving my car, and raising my kids.

    I do feel a sense of duty to my wife. She is in a self-imposed prison of sorts. The closest analogy I can think of is an abusive spouse. I have a responsibility to help her obtain a different perspective, one that allows her to see the possibility of freedom if she is able to choose it.

    The question is how much more of my life do I commit to that effort? At some point, don't we have to accept a person wanting to drown, and not let them pull us down with them? I often picture myself hopping on a brand new Harley as I walk out of my kids graduation, leaving my wife behind in a befuddled cloud of dust. I often think of reducing my contribution to our marriage to mere requirements and duties, devoid of any affection and intimacy. In any romantic relationship I think we should never give more than we receive.

    How much more of your life are you going to pour out Becka? Don't get me wrong, I think you have an opportunity to help this fella. The fact that he is willing to defy "mother" is a promising sign. But is this really healthy for you?

    A very common pitfall for the single, young person (and one of Ben Stein's "Ways to ruin your life") is to run around "dating people with a lot of personal problems, and then thinking you can change them by nagging". I just want you to be honest about your motivations.

    Wouldn't it be an incredible validation of your womanly powers, and your remarkeable mind if you were able to help a person such as your boyfriend? How much will you sacrifice to acheive such validation? If you seek such validation, why? Could it be that you simply have an unmet need that could be better fulfilled in a less life-consuming venture?

    Sorry. Asking annoying questions is a ubm speciality. But I love you, and that means I want what is in your best interests. If this isn't in your best interests, I don't want it for you.


  • insearchoftruth

    This really is a confusing topic. Outside of my wifes faith (which is a major thing - and appears to be getting moreso) she is an incredible person. She has made it through being brought up in a jw environment and still tries to think for herself, but is slowly being drawn back to the organization. I love her because of who she is, not because of her faith, and we are trying to work on drawing lines between love and faith, but that is more difficult than I had imagined.

    I need to thank you all for your ideas and support, and I am sure I shall be needing more.

    isot (of the very confused class right now)

  • Will Power
    Will Power

    Remember, love is blind! Its supposed to happen that way (or there'd be alot of ugly singles??)

    Remember too, your new BF's biological parents aren't the only "in-laws" who'll be sticking their nose where it doesn't belong.
    which might be more of what Jgnat was alluding too???

    and CYPs comments - he, like many of us living this UBM life daily and believe me, its a struggle.
    when asked for advice?
    for me sometimes ....
    It's like wondering how & why kids start smoking these days.
    Are they beginning a life long battle with nicotine? will they only be wkd smokers? will they die of cancer?

    You might think this is a harsh way of putting it, and I don't mean to compare a relationship with a person to a relationship with a drug or a bad habit, but when the armegeddon seeds are planted by the masters of deception you never know when they will rear their ugly head. If EVERYTHING is not out on the table from the get-go there will be trouble.

    on the flip side - don't listen to me, love and romance are my weakness, and everyone deserves to love & be loved.
    Good luck.

  • Super_Becka

    Hehehe, it would appear that the general response to "Why do non-JWs love JWs??" would be,


    And I'm not gonna argue with that, I know full-well that I'm completely and utterly insane to be trying to make anything out of a relationship with a JW, but alas, like Will Power said, love and romance are my weaknesses, I can't help it, I'm still in that romantic phase and I refuse to let the down side kill my relationship... yet.

    Not to say that the hard reality of things hasn't set in and won't show me the light later on, but for now, I'm mostly happy. True, my guy doesn't have much tact and really doesn't express himself very well when it comes to things that he doesn't like because of his upbringing (like holidays and such), but nobody's perfect, right?? Every relationship has problems and issues, it's just that my relationship has problems that most normal relationships don't have.

    Ahh, I can see just how naive and blind I am, I've had that pointed out to me on a regular basis (and I'm so grateful for that!!), but it's also very true that I don't know the full extent of my boyfriend's "JW-ness" or the "JW-ness" of his family, so I can't just write this off until I at least get a hint of that. After all, I don't really know his family and from what I've seen, they're fairly liberal, but I can't be sure of that and I'd like to know a little more before I write this off as a failed relationship and move on, or else there'll always be that "what if...?". Rest assured, though, that I'm keeping my eyes and ears open, I'm very much so aware of my boyfriend's thoughts and actions, and my ears always perk up when I hear him mention something that I know can be related to the WTS. (Like last night when I called him, he mentioned that his brother had shaved his beard for a new job, and I said, "What kind of place would ban a neatly trimmed beard??", knowing full-well that beards aren't always acceptable among JWs, and my boyfriend said, "Beats me, kinda weird, isn't it??", when he'd normally say something like, "Well, you know, Witnesses believe that...", so I'm thinking that he definitely doesn't know all of the WTS's rules and restrictions, interesting thought, makes me curious, but I'm not putting too much stock in it.)

    It's like my dear friend insearchoftruth said, I love my boyfriend for who he is, not what he believes, and of course, that's what makes this situation so difficult. And like Will Power said, everything needs to be laid out on the table right from the get-go, so believe me when I say that I won't be making any commitments before I'm sure of what I'm getting myself into. After all, that's why I'm here, to learn and prepare myself for what could lie ahead, whatever that may be.

    Or maybe I'm just a devil for punishment and that's why I'm doing this to myself, hard to say.

    Do I think that I can "fix him"?? No, not really, but I do think that there might be a chance that this might work out, because it very well could. Of course, it could fall apart into a million little pieces, but there's still that tiny chance that this might work, I guess it all depends on what he's willing to do. I've already outlined what I think and what I will and won't do for him, so he just needs to decide where he stands. It's not that simple, but that's a start, anyway. I'd never try to "change" a guy to make him into exactly what I'd want him to be, it doesn't work that way, but some compromise and change is always required in a relationship to make it work, so who knows.

    If this turns out OK, great, if it doesn't, I'll chaulk it up to experience and move on, same as everyone else does. In the meantime, this relationship requires some more exploration and thought before it gets written off. You wouldn't buy a car without a test drive, you wouldn't buy a house without an inspection and tour, you wouldn't choose a university without reading up on it, so why leave a relationship without exploring it and knowing a little more about it first??

    I don't want to live out my life wondering, "What if...??".

    Am I the only UBM out there who feels that way?? And what do other UBMs out there have to say for their relationships??

    -Becka :)

  • Check_Your_Premises
    I don't want to live out my life wondering, "What if...??".

    I love you Becka. I remember when you showed up here. I remember so many "dating a jw's" that have showed up here. One or two have been successful. Some get dumped. Most fade away, apparantly heeding the "run" advice or getting themselves a great deal on service bag.

    I gotta say though; I sure wish I had your problems.

    I really pray you never have mine.

    I am glad you have laid out what you will commit and what you will accept. I hope you keep them. I have a warning for you based on some very costly personal experience.

    Beware of commitment and the need for consistency.

    Once you commit something, you have a natural human need to stay with it, long after it is obvious that you should cut your losses. This is the same dynamic that keeps a gambler at a table long after he has spent the mortgage.... "I've lost so much already!!! This next dollar could get it all back!!!"

    I once spent years making sure I didn't have to say "what if" over a woman, that when I look back on it, really didn't even appeal to me at all. But I had been so dedicated to her at one point. To not make totally sure would have completely dishonored that previous commitment. What I wouldn't give for that time and energy back. Don't kid yourself that this is some thing you can just quit anytime.

    I am sure this guy has some great qualities. But he also would let your kids die if they needed blood. You can go easy on yourself by reminding yourself that it is very unlikely to happen. But that is irrelevant. The fact is that is the choice he would make, and you can't deny all that implies about him. He would be a threat to your children Becka. Anything else he is, is irrelevant.

    Sorry to dump my problems on you. But keep down this road and you will sound like me.

    Take care of yourself Becka. Life doesn't suffer fools.


  • Chimene

    I have to agree with CYP

    My husband was inactive when we dated. I had no idea he was going to get back into the religion when we got married. Then, everything went to hell. Everything you do and say will be under a microscope and picked apart. If you were to get married, who's to say he won't haven't a sudden sense to get back for the sake of family, children, etc. If you are that serious, I would maybe just put my foot down and say, I love you, but not your religion, so please don't ever ask me to be a part of it, only part of your life. That of course, is if you ever get that serious... I do wish you the best of luck though!

  • Seeking Knowledge
    Seeking Knowledge
    I am sure this guy has some great qualities. But he also would let your kids die if they needed blood. You can go easy on yourself by reminding yourself that it is very unlikely to happen. But that is irrelevant. The fact is that is the choice he would make, and you can't deny all that implies about him. He would be a threat to your children Becka. Anything else he is, is irrelevant.

    Me again. I agree 100% with CYP. Sure my ex and I had our problems, mostly with communication. I wish I would have done things different in regards to finding out for myself, first hand, why his parents didn't want anything to do with me instead of taking his word for it. Looking more into what it meant to be a JW instead of waiting until it became a threat to my son. Hindsight is 20/20 and I can't get that back. Would things have been different?? Maybe...that would be my "what if".

    My son needed tubes in his ears. Hardly an invasive procedure but up until the day of, my ex did nothing as respects making appointments, dealing with ear infections, filling out paperwork, insurance, etc. NOTHING. The day of the surgery they handed me a clipboard with add'l paperwork to fill out and it came to the blood question. Standard question. He snatched the clipboard out of my hands & filled in "NO" to the question. Without so much as a "how do you feel about this?" to me. That is the reality....here was his 2 year old son, about to undergo surgery and no matter what, he wasn't getting blood...regardless of what his mother thought. Granted, the blood issue is really non-existant when getting tubes in your ears but what if it were something more? This man was making a decision regarding his child without taking into consideration the feelings of ME his mother or even the life of his own child. Jerk.

    Fast forward 3 years...custody in place, rules in place....I have final say in all medical (and blood) issues, but do you think that will stop him?Of course not. God forbid something should happen to my son while he's in his father's care and would require blood. I'd get the phone call way too late. THIS is what I think about every day I watch my baby leave with his father. It's amazing how fast things change.

    I've said it before, good for you for doing your research now. Better now than later!


  • Check_Your_Premises
    It's amazing how fast things change.

    Ain't that the truth.

    Have you ever done this?

    One of my new ones is imagining the conversation I will have someday where I have to apologize to my children for the incredibly awful choice I made in picking their mother.


  • Seeking Knowledge
    Seeking Knowledge
    One of my new ones is imagining the conversation I will have someday where I have to apologize to my children for the incredibly awful choice I made in picking their mother.

    Oh yea...


  • Check_Your_Premises
    Oh yea...


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