UBMs - why do we love JWs??

by Super_Becka 52 Replies latest social relationships

  • Super_Becka

    I think there's been a thread on this before, but I figured I'd ask again.

    For all of the UBMs out there, why is it that we love Witnesses?? What is it about them that we find so attractive?? Why are we putting ourselves through this mess when we know full-well that there are lots of non-JWs out there who would be better for us??

    For me, I've noticed that my JW boyfriend has a lot of good qualities that most other guys don't have. Sure, he has a lot of bad qualities that non-JW guys don't have, but I think, at least for me, his good qualities outweigh the bad.

    He's so attentive and affectionate, he's very caring and loving, he's patient with me, he doesn't mind that I'm neurotic or paranoid, he's not afraid to tell me that he loves me and that he misses me when he hasn't seen me in a while, he's always doing nice things for me and he loves planning things for us to do together, he's sweet, he's funny (in an awkward, nerdy, socially-inept kind of way), he's adorably clueless about most things, he has nothing but good things to say about me, he likes to show me off to his family (yup, he likes to show me, the non-JW girlfriend, off to his JW family, and they actually like me!!), he's always giving me compliments and telling me how much I mean to him, when it's time for us to part ways after a visit, he cries with me, he holds me close to him in a way that I've never been held before, he looks at me like I'm the only girl on the planet...

    And on top of that, he doesn't drink (only very occasionally, and not to get drunk), he doesn't smoke, he doesn't have any nasty or dangerous habits, he's not a party animal, he's close to his family and appreciates that I'm close to mine, he doesn't have a list of ex-girlfriends as long as his arm, he's just so much "cleaner" than most of the other guys out there.

    Sure, he has his issues, he's staunchly opposed to holidays (though he's promised to celebrate Valentine's Day with me, go figure), he doesn't agree with blood donations or transfusions, he's socially inept and completely and utterly tactless, among other things, but nobody's perfect, right??

    Why do all the rest of my fellow UBMs out there stand by their JWs?? Why put up with the hassle??

    -Becka :)

  • jgnat

    AHA, but you haven't met the invisible in-laws yet. Those invisible in-laws can make your life a living hell. If your hubby does not have the heart to back you up.

    Why do girls and guys fall for the make-work projects? Because we're goofy in love of course. Sure, your guy has lots of good qualities. But that's not enough to ignore the pink elephant sitting on his shoulder. One of these days that pink elephant might decide to step on you.

  • Super_Becka
    AHA, but you haven't met the invisible in-laws yet. Those invisible in-laws can make your life a living hell.

    Ah yes, that should be lots of fun. I'm sure I'll get to meet those over the summer, I can't wait.

    I don't know about the rest of you UBM girls out there, but I really don't like being so goofy about love, and I certainly don't want a make-work project (hehehe, I laugh at that term because real "make-work" projects are common in Newfoundland because of the high unemployment rate), but alas, I always find myself falling for a guy who needs a lot of work but that I'm crazy about anyway. Stupid pink elephants.

    Maybe I'm just crazy. Whadda ya think??

    -Becka :)

  • carla

    I think some of the ubm's had made vows and then the person joined at a later time. For those that married knowing already it may be a different story. Some have children involved.

    I personally don't wish this upon anybody. FINALLY, outsiders(even mere aquaintances) of our immediate family see the EXTREME changes in this person. It isn't just sad, or how unfortunate, it is downright scary! He is to the point where he would drink the proverbial 'kool-aide'. I would never, ever knowingly marry a jw or an ex jw who has not completely renounced the evil org for what it is. Just too much pressure to keep family, survive the big A, and countless other reasons the cult can pull somebody back in. And mine doesn't have any family in! Just hoping to maybe, maybe make it into paradise. Today is Tuesday, meeting day, so pretty good chance of making it into paradise earth today. I think he also made his 'hours' in for the month so he can feel pretty righteous today!

  • Kristofer

    not sure what UBMs are.. but I'm a non-witness who is head over heels in love for a girl eventhough we've been broken up for 3 months. I think a lot of it has to do with finding a girl with a good moral sense. I remember before I knew her religious affiliation, I was attracted to the fact that she was gorgeous and didn't need to show it off. She dressed conservatively and that was a real turn on for me. She was very humble and down to earth. She was pretty calm, not arguementative, and had good conflict management skills. We got along great. She didn't party or drink too much, didn't smoke had no tatoos and after you see what's out there, it's a breath of fresh air. I know I'm torturing myself here....but I don't know what else to do. Religion was the only issue.

  • Super_Becka


    A UBM is an "unbelieving mate", a non-JW who's involved with a JW. Like me - I'm an Anglican and my boyfriend is an inactive JW.

    Wow, I totally see where you're coming from with what you find so attractive about this girl that you're pining over. I feel the same way about my guy, he's like a breath of fresh air, he's so different from every other guy that I know, I didn't think that there were guys out there like him. Aside from the fact that he's a JW, he's so much like me that it's almost scary. I never thought there'd be a person out there who was so like me in so many ways.

    I had already fallen for him before he told me that he's a Witness, and at that point, I said, "So what??". I knew there'd be trouble, but I didn't care, he has too many great qualities and we have too much in common. He's so important to me, but now, with what I know, part of me wishes I'd never met him.

    For me and my boyfriend, religion is the only issue, and it'll probably end up being the one thing that destroys our relationship.

    I'm sorry for what you're going through, Kristofer. Things will get better, I know they will. There's nowhere left to go but up.

    -Becka :)

  • Kristofer

    Hey Becka, I hope so.. I didn't know she was a witness until 4 months in. It's weird, we split over faith, and though it's not something in my favor..I actually admire her for it. I definitely want a girl who puts her faith first. It's just another admireable quality to me. It just pains me that the faith she is leaving me for is B.S! To know your relationship is ending over a great lie..it's awful, it's frustrating, tragic and makes me angry. But I have no anger towards her. She continued being the most beautiful and admireable person in the world to me.

  • Seeking Knowledge
    Seeking Knowledge

    I fell in love with my JW before I had an inkling as to what being a JW meant. It had nothing to do with his beliefs. He was a great person, knew how to make me feel like I was the only one in the world worth having, could sell ice cubes to the eskimo's he could. I didn't love him because he was a witness, again that had nothing to do with my feelings for him. I loved him because of who he was at the time. I wouldn't have traded him in for anything.

    Until now....now my feelings towards him have changed. All the things I could have learned & learned too late, and we have a son together. So now I'm learning not only from research, but from my son as well. The good side?? My son has what his father never had, and that is another opinion on life, someone to encourage him to question what he learns instead of accepting it as gospel. My ex is seeing a whole new side of me, one that isn't falling for his charm anymore and one that does stand up to him & his "charm". Who does he call when wifey kicked him to the curb and life has him down? That's right!

    Of course my ex did rebel "against the system" later in life otherwise this would all be moot. He did go against his beliefs, got away from it and lived a life that he enjoyed. Until I got pregnant, then it all came down...kinda like a pink elephant.

    I don't think you can help who you fall in love with, religion or not, that's the kind of person you attract and the kind of person you want to be with. Simple as pie.....not.


  • collegegirl21

    Although I'm not a UBM, I think that because most JW's are born and raised differently from most other children, so A LOT, not ALL of the time, they are found to be more respectful, loving and trusting. And I think that's why people are more attracted to them.

  • unclebruce

    It's great that you're in love shygirl Super_ Becka. There is nothing better. There are a number of problems that you may encounter in the future. One is the possibility that he may one day want to leave the cult. In that regard the following article by Gary Busselman may be of interest .

    Best of luck with his family too , unc.

    dynamite.gif (3228 bytes)

    (Walkaways & Castaways)

    by Gary Busselman

    When members of an exclusive, mind controlling group are forced out of the group as believers, or walk away as believers, something happens to them that affects everyone around them. Since my own personal experience was with the group known as Jehovah's Witnesses, this will be my reference point for this article.

    I have had the experience of noting that when some people are active Jehovah's Witnesses, they "hate" everybody and everything that is not a Jehovah's Witnesses, just as they are told to do by the group leaders. (I have much evidence to support this statement.) Then something happens at the local Kingdom Hall and the person who hated everybody and everything that was not a Jehovah's Witnesses, now is also angry with the Jehovah's Witnesses. They become more or less angry all the time. Any seeming normal behavior is forced, and the next explosion is uneasily waiting just below the surface, like a well-camouflaged land mine, waiting for someone to trip the trigger.

    The most aggressive defenders of the Watchtower Society that I have ever met were the believing walkaways and the believing castaways. They are running on guilt, fear, and anger. They are like a loyal, well trained, blood thirsty, attack dog who has been getting all his needs met by one master since birth and then the master rejects him.

    When this happens to a Jehovah's Witnesses, they have a deep, deep feeling of loneliness that reaches to the very depths of their being. They feel alone and unwanted and since they are only trained to do one thing... hate... kill... with words, with looks, or with actions, they lash out at whoever tries to befriend them. Living becomes a survival issue and everyone is a player for the other team. Willpower is useless to them, and willpower is useless on them.

    This stage may continue until death or until a crisis allows for their defenses to be lowered enough for the start of a complete mental change. The defending walkaway / castaway has a radical problem and it requires a radical solution. They are suffering from a condition that tells them that they failed, that they are at fault, and there are no friends out there to help.

    The mental pain is so intense that many, if not most, resort to some drug or behavior to self-medicate. To be in the same room with this person is to risk a confrontation. There are a set of rules, like invisible lines, for existence in the same world as the walkaway / castaway and they do their best to keep these rules secret... until someone steps outside of the line.

    Life with such a person is a trial. Husbands, wives, children, and others, trapped by circumstance, hopefully can survive with the knowledge of the situation until an opportunity for a change arises. Sometimes the change is a rather sudden "un-snapping," but more often it is a gradual thing, occurring over a period of time. Confrontations need to be avoided. During the defending-believing stage, associates of the walkaways / castaways, need to be aware that they are set up as potential enablers of destructive behaviors. The participation as an enabler will only increase the length of time "the bomb" stage will last.

    to Why Disfellowshipped Persons Often Defend the Watchtower

    Watchtower view of disfellowshipping

    JW Family Murders

    News story related to this frame of mind (5/25/05)

    back to Gary

    back to psychological issues

    back to Home Page

Share this