To Fade or Not Fade

by daniel-p 30 Replies latest jw friends

  • daniel-p

    So it's been five months that I've been on JWD and I've made a lot of progress. First I want to thank everyone, wholeheartedly, for the encouragement I've recieved here. When I first posted I was still an MS, and being used in the cong. Now, I have forced them to stop "using" me, "stepped aside" as an MS, become "irregular," and havent been in the ministry for 3 months. My wife is trying to be kind to me, asking me if I still want to come to meetings. She gets the week's WT out and places it on my desk without me looking. SHe is so sweet in how she is trying to set a "good" example - it breaks my heart to know she is trying to get me back into the swing of things when I know I am out for good. I haven't told her I just don't believe any of it anymore... but I'm sure I will sooner or later.
    What I wanted to ask you all today was whether you thought it was better to fade or not fade - to just take the plunge and make your feelings known. I am debating whether or not to just fade out and gradually stop attending meetings, or to just tell my wife and family I don't believe in the "truth" anymore.
    What are your thoughts?

  • greendawn

    That depends on how your immediate family will react if they can take it in their stride then you can disassociate otherwise you know the WTS policies will cause a lot of disruption in your family in which case it is better to fade away.

  • stillAwitness

    Hmmm..this is a question that I battle with so I am interested in what others will have to say about this. Of course each situation is different and fading is a lot easier for those who may live alone or whatnot. Can one be D'F if they express their personal views about how they really feel? Nah, I guess you would have to say something rather blunt against the WT in order for that to happen right? WoW, so you were an MS? Very interesting. Good luck!

  • daniel-p

    Here's the thing: my family are super-JW's - as blindly zealous as they come. If I DA myself they would freak-out and my mother would have conniption. On the other hand, if I fade I will have to suffer endless badgering and JW inquisitions in order to test me out and see why I am fading so rapidly. So I am wondering which is better. I have asked this question soooo many times before and I can never come to a conclusion.

  • stillAwitness

    Well it depends on wether or not you can handle there "freak out" if you choose to D'A yourself. Do you think over time they will somewhat "get over it" and get used to the fact that you aren't going to meetings anymore? (this would apply to fading also) or would it be a never-ending battle?

    If it would then its basically a damned if you do damned if you don't scenario. Although in this case maybe fading would be best because it would be less extreme. Then again, its obvious your wife still has the notion you are planning on coming back. What have you told her? You had to of given her some reason as to why all your suits are collecting dust in your closet?

    P.S What the hell is a conniption?

  • Highlander

    For myself, I have at least 100 idiot relatives in the 'truth'

    I chose to fade, plus I moved 2000 miles away from my family so it keeps the badgering down. Everyone thinks I'm a faithful active witness, when in reality

    I haven't been to a KH in 3 years. woo hoo!!!!

  • wanderlustguy

    If you want to help your wife, maybe you could start making notes in the WT she gives you...using Blondies comments. You'll have to temper them, but you could use that to test the waters... bring her with you!

  • daniel-p

    "What the hell is a conniption?"

    Webster: A fit of rage, hysteria, or alarm. In my mother's case, it would be all three - lol.

    I dont know what the hell im gonna do... I guess I'm just feeling down is all. Sometimes Im really angry and other times I feel depressed. God dammit this whole ex-cult thing sucks. Sometimes I second guess myself - but then I quickly realize how stupid the whole thing is. The other day I think I had my first real outburst of anger over the whole thing: I was flipping through the WT and read some espcially dumb thing - I got so pissed I spit in it and threw it across the room. - daniel-p, of the never-threw-his-WTs-away-class.

  • stillAwitness
    I chose to fade, plus I moved 2000 miles away from my family so it keeps the badgering down. Everyone thinks I'm a faithful active witness, when in reality

    I haven't been to a KH in 3 years. woo hoo!!!!

    You sir are my hero! I have heard this done before but never thought it could actually be pulled of! Cool!

    So ya spit in a WT daniel? LOL! Hey man, you get much cool points for that one!

    Now I dare you to burn all your suit and ties and donate your service bag to the american red cross

    P.S I really would not stress over it. The best thing to do is just relax and maybe leave it up to God..yeah, sounds cliche but maybe forcing yourself to make a decision now will just have you making a hasty one and really-you only get one shot at this.

    Perhaps you can kindly ask your wife to back off as you get your mind togethor..and in the meantime..woo her with flowers and candy, compliments and other romantic gestures; you'd be surprised at how sidetrack us women get when our men suddenly get all lovey-dovey on us

  • Woodsman

    Hey Dan,

    I chose to fade. It would be too hard on my wife if I DAed myself. The only family left is my mother in law and that would strain the relationship.

    The Elders have not tried to get me to come back. They know I study and have been researching online as well as purchasing many older pubs on Ebay. They are aware of the private correspondence I had with the WTS, and they were never "cc"ed as is typically done.

    As long as I don't try to get anybody else out they seem to leave me alone.

    While I don't get any phone calls from JWs for socialization I am welcome at gatherings with my wife. Only the superwitnesses give me a cold shoulder. They did when I was a JW too. And I gave it right back with a smile.

    I have one nagging question. Do I continue to live like this and respect my wifes decision to choose her own religion like a Catholic might accept his wifes Jewish faith.

    or Do I push the issue, DA myself, tell my wife everything I know and see what happens.

    She is smart and knows there is information out there. I guess I have to be patient and hope she will look outside the box someday.

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