To Fade or Not Fade

by daniel-p 30 Replies latest jw friends

  • primitivegenius

    it all depends on your family, and the relationship that you have with them. i faded over three years ago to keep the fam. i had to move over a thousand miles away to keep them at bay. they know i dont go but they are afraid to ask. suits me fine. i also dont feel bound by their rules so i refuse to DA. always up to you tho since only you know your fam. what i love tho is when family and witnesses look at you and your marriage and life and cant figure out how or why you can possibly have a good life without the dubs....... its quite a trip

  • diamondblue1974

    I think to fade is probably the best way and kindest on your family too; they may well badger you but they believe they are doing it for your benefit and as much as that is tough to deal with, it is far better than being shunned if you were disassociated or even disfellowshipped.

    However this is your choice...we are no doubt here no matter what you decide!


  • Frog

    hi dan-p,

    my advice is slowly slowly, take you're time, there's no rush. It's inspiring to here you so resolute about things :) I believe the very fact that you're asking the question is evidence that you're not yet ready to take the full plunge. You will have no doubts when the time comes, but don't do yourself an injury by trying to be a matyr for the cause. When enough time has passed you will have full confidence to vocalise your stance to all parties, and be ready to fully move on. Your wife sounds really sweet, give her time, sometimes what seems so impossible in the end isn't.

    All the best matey. frog x

  • daniel-p

    Well, thanks everyone, for giving your advice. I have to say, this community has been a life-saver for me. You people are the only thing that reassures me I have a handle on things.
    I just had a talk with my wife this night, actually... I think I could tell something was brewing. She went into the bathroom and I heard the toilet paper dispenser rolling a lot and I thought 'that sounds weird,' (heh I dont usually snoop about those things) but anyway, I heard her crying in there and when she came out her face was all red, so it was obvious. Come to find out, she was upset because she feels like she "has no control over things" and "doesn't know where I'm headed." She even asked me if I still believed what the Bible says about marriage. I expressed to her that I still feel the same, that I'm not going anywhere, and that I wouldn't hesitate to renew my vows to her. I knew that she was feeling insecure - I just didn't know the extent of it.
    Anyway, I was able to express to her in a round-about way that I did not believe in the "truth" anymore. I told her that I would not be opposed to attending the meetings with her, and even reading the Bible with her, but that I must go "my own way." I told her I wanted us to come to some sort of mutual understanding based on love and repsect - and I think we are definitely closer to that.
    It's so hard, sometimes I feel utter anguish in my heart, thinking that this religion is going to take her away from me. I am terrified, of it, really. I told her I would not express my own opinions about spiritual matters because I didnt want to dissuade her faith (in reality I do, I just dont know how to do it without her throwing her guard up or feeling like I am taking advantage of her). She expressed to me that she felt she had a man who would take the spiritual lead when she married me, and now things are not turning out how she thought... it broke my heart when she said that... I felt like such a jerk and that I had robbed her of her dreams. SOmetimes I look at all the other single men in the cong. and thoughts come into my head about how they would be good to her and she could respect them as "spiritual" men... but I know it's probably not good to think like that. So I told her I know she feels dissapointed and insecure about me changing so fast, buut I promised her I would make it up to her in the long run.
    Anyways, I think it went over pretty well. I know this discussion is just one of the many we will have in the future, but I think this is a good start. At least she knows a bit more about how deep my disbelief is, and she can learn to accept it.

  • seattleniceguy

    Hey Dan,

    I just wanted to say hello. I haven't posted on this board or PM'd you in some time, but I do stop in from time to time, and I follow your posts. I don't know if I have any words of wisdom for you right now, except to respond to one thing you said in your last post:

    Sometimes I look at all the other single men in the cong. and thoughts come into my head about how they would be good to her and she could respect them as "spiritual" men... but I know it's probably not good to think like that.

    Dude, you're ten times the man anyone in the hall is, because you've had the courage to be honest with yourself. And what's more, you're trying to support your wife in the truest sense. Your support for her is not conditional on her happening to believe in some particular fairy tale. I mean, how crazy is that? Really! Once she begins to understand that you will support her for her, not for some external thing she professes, she may begin to understand that she has a freedom she did not see before. That kind of love and support is more than she could ever dream of getting from someone at the hall.


  • Victorian sky
    Victorian sky

    DP, you are taking a spiritual stand. It takes guts to be true to yourself, to examine your belief system, to use your brain and act with your heart, that kind of courage is rare among the 'brothers' of the org. Your wife doesn't want any of them, she wants you so even though you're changing shower her with the love and affection many dub wives are starved for. Be a better husband to her now and she'll wonder, what is up with you? Maybe she'll ask questions. It may take time so be patient with her and with yourself. God bless - V Sky

  • sir82
    She expressed to me that she felt she had a man who would take the spiritual lead when she married me, and now things are not turning out how she thought

    Just an idea...

    Why not be the "spiritual head" of the family, just not a JW sense.

    Read the Bible together, just the Bible, without the convoluted JW interpretations and commentaries. Read one of the gospels together, and discuss it afterward. Try to steer clear of the JW understandings that have been burned into your brains. Perhaps something along the lines of, "If I didn't have the JW understanding of these verses, I might come to XYZ conclusion. If you met me in service, and only had to use your Bible, how would you refute me?"

    Perhaps, gradually, you can steer her to see that the JW interpretations are not the only reasonable ones, and in many cases are far less reasonable than others. From there, perhaps it is a shorter step to bringing her along with you.

    I am thinking of trying something along those lines myself, but as I am a cautious sort, I want to plan it well before embarking.

  • atypical

    I personally chose to fade, and have been doing so for around 7 or 8 months now, maybe longer. I really did not want to DA because I feel like that is playing on their terms. I can't lie though, it is extremely stressful for me. I too am dealing with a very active wife. Our relationship has become very unstable in my opinion. We are really great together on our own, but the hard fact of the matter is that she is still loyal to an organization that tells her they are more important than family.

    We have had many, many discussions on the subject and they usually go well, but then she goes to her next meeting, gets hounded by somebody asking "what I am doing that is keeping me from coming to meetings", then comes home upset and depressed. I have been plagued by the same fears you mentioned, that she could easily leave me for an active witness brother and probably even have the blessing of the congregation.

    I have many times tested her by letting her know that she should be fair to herself and me by being honest if she does not want to be with someone who will never be an active witness. I have offered to continue to be her spiritual head as long as she understands that I will not teach the beliefs of an organization that I do not agree with. I keep trying to give her choices, and at the same time I am trying to quietly let her see that I am still hardworking, loyal, and all that.

    Don't forget that witnesses are taught to believe that everyone outside the kindgom hall is not to be trusted; that leaving the organization means a person is leaving all morals and goodness. That is the hardest perception to shatter, but I think it can be done.

    Good luck to you, man. Sorry for the long post. It is a tough road, but reading this board gives me hope.

  • troubled mind
    troubled mind

    Daniel , I wish you all the best in your effort to fade . My husband felt the same way your wife does when I told him about my changing beliefs. His first concern was that I was leaving him or that I would no longer respect our marriage vows.... We had a heart to heart, and I reassured him of my love for him . As far as telling him all I know about the Watchtower deceit ...I left it to just ask when you are ready to hear what I have learned. We have discussed the blood issue though because he needs to know what I want in case of emergency .

  • beautifulisfree

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