I hear what your saying and I would like to encourage you not to lose faith in Jehovah God.
Thru the pages of the Bible, God has always given us men of faith and their exemplary way of life as an example of who can become God's friend.
The eyes of Jehovah are searching the earth in search of the ones who will worship Him with spirit and truth.
As we enter a new era in human history because of the internet and it's massive data of info and especially the info regarding our worship, you should feel it to be a very priviledge time for you and your family.
Why here I am typing some words of encouragement for you Martini and I have never met you in person and yet I understand what your trying to express. Don't feel like your the only one. I too have felt this way. The best part of it is your faith is being tested.
I can certainly say mine was, and I have come to the conclusion , to make sure your worship is directed in the right place. That is the worship of Jehovah God above anyone or anything else.
I have come to the conclusion by reading the diffrent web sites on the internet that the society is right in a lot of their teachings but dead wrong in certain areas and use the excuse to wait on Jehovah to correct things, while it is in the power of their very hand to change things quickly for the benefit of the brotherhood but most importantly pleasing our Heavenly Father in spirit and truth.
Have you notice so many who call themselves true JW's shy away from difficult questions concerning our doctrines? We are supposed to be champions of truth so why the fear to discuss difficult issues? Certainly our examplar Jesus was a very public person with his beliefs, he had an answer for everybody, which meant answering some of the vilest persons and most importantly truth lovers. In this way He showed perfect love by throwing fear outside. He also used his reason to discern and give an answer to people who had no love of truth and wanted to rob him of his time.
So in conclusion Martini I would just like to say keep your head up and may Jehovah answer your prayers for he really does love His sheep. You have to remember this is only step one in the training of Godly individuals and lovers of truth. Truth lovers are able to take it when they are wrong or right, they acknowledge, they don't run and hide like the ostrich. In this system of things as we near the end, we have a very good preview of what our tests will be like for any who make it in the new system and approach the end of the thousand years while satan is let loose. What I'm still learning is this, to never confuse your loyalties or you worship. God's law comes first. He is the one that trains you if you stay close to Him. The end result is a close relationship with Him and the free gift of life in His new order.
In conclusion I just want to say the society has taught us many truths by many faithful brothers over the years of which I'm forever grateful to Jehovah for providing these men. However our worship goes to God not men.