my family wants me to talk to the elders...

by Calliope 28 Replies latest jw friends

  • Calliope

    sigh... my parents want me to go to the elders 'cause my husband and i have seperated.
    they are astonished that i haven't told them yet.
    "what happened to you?"
    "you've spoken to the elders before when you had to be reproved. what's holding you back now?
    "don't you trust the elders?"
    "jehovah has chosen these men as guardians in the congregation..."

    needless to say, my replies were getting more and more "apostate-like",

    okay, no doubt you are already asking "why are you, as an adult, bound by what your parents (who live an ocean away)say, or care?" and the answer is because i don't want them to know my true feelings about this org. i don't want them to know that i haven't even been to a meeting in 2 months. i don't want them to know that i am agnostic. that i'm not even sure a god exists. it would KILL them. they are already losing sleep over me...

    should i just call up some elder and simply state "just wanted to advise you that my husband and i have seperated. i have grounds for legal and scriptural divorce. thanks and have a good day."
    should i keep the charade going with my parents... unfortunately, my dad has some elders phone #, so there is always the chance he'll call on my behalf, and THEN the shit will just fly...

    any thoughts?


  • Highlander

    I doubt this would work for you, however in the case of my parents(mom is active, dad is not) I would listen to any personal advice they gave me and at the same time

    I would let them know that the marital problem is between you and your husband and though any help from elders is appreciated it isn't necessary nor would it be

    helpful. Like you already mentioned, I think at most, you could make a courtesy call to the local elder to inform of the situation. If the elder proceeds to offer advice,

    merely thank him for his concern and let him know that it isn't necessary.

  • PopeOfEruke


    They day I made it clear to my mother and other JW relatives that I had left the "truth:, peace like a river flowed and covered me like a shroud. I could actually BREATHE again and sleep and eat, it was wonderful.

    It's tough to do it but it's the only way (I believe) that you will ever find peace in your life.


  • skyman

    I have said many times on the forum NO GOOD CAN COME OUT of talking to the Elders. They will listen and ask you a few questions the moment you tell them you are not going to go to the meetings again they can DA you. if you state your doubts to them they will try to DF you please read this link. The link is very similar to yours.

  • mkr32208

    I'm with the space pope there...

    This IS going to come out sooner or later! Stop living a lie, start living YOUR life! You will feel better afterwards! It'll be tough on your parents but guess what? Your an adult and they HAVE to accept that.

    I stopped going to meetings became agnostic then athnostic now full blown athiest, my parents gave/give me shit all the time but since I said this is how it is and how it's going to be things have been much better!

    Whatever you decide were still here for you!

  • Calliope

    thanks everyone, for you advice.

    this is all very new for me (seperation, divorce, god's existance, the org...), i'm still trying to figure out what i DO believe...

    regarding the elders and my parents, i almost feel like letting things take their course, i.e. telling the elders. answering their questions with my doubts. them df-ing or da-ing me... then i can tell my parents it was out of my control...

    i know, i know... i'm a g'damn chicken.

  • JamesThomas

    I'm with the others in that anything other than being true to yourself and having inner integrity, and you die on the vine.

    That said, since you are confused about what you feel or believe, be true to your confusion. Sometimes it's OK to not know what the hell is going on.

    Be kind and patient with yourself. Tell your parents you just need time away from meetings and elders and as much of everything that you can get away from. Ask them for some space. That's honestly what you need right now...isn't it?


  • Quotes

    You are not chicken! You have to deal with things in your own time, and it sounds like this is too soon (both for talking to your parents and to the elders).

    Put them off, push it back -- but don't say why.

    Maybe try something like:

    "I'm just at a time when I need to be alone to meditate on my situation. No, I don't feel like talking about it just yet."

    When you are ready to talk, or act, or "fade", or whatever, you will know. Don't let other people control your life and push you into a situation you don't want.


  • Effervescent
    i know, i know... i'm a g'damn chicken.

    No, it's not that at all... it's just that there are no easy answers for you. It's so easy for someone to say "Just tell them to take a flying leap" when they're not the one who might loose the one's dearest to them.

    If it were me, I might be inclined to let them continue in their blissful ignorance about what is really going on. Hint that you are in contact with the elders, but don't give any details because you are just 'too upset to talk about it'. Duck and cover. This might satisfy them that you're taking their admonition, but then you won't have to lie (much) to them.

    I've played this game with my family for years... they finally seem to understand that they're better off not knowing the details of my life.

  • Calliope

    the fact that i live so far away is my only saving grace. they've asked me through this whole "ordeal" to move back home... to which i have tried to explain that i need to do this alone. i need to be in CONTROL of this situation (talking the seperation here). so i think the advice about ducking out is good, i just have to figure out a way to say that to my parents without them jumping on a plane - which i wouldn't put past them.


    why does this secret society hold onto us like this? why can't we just walk away and retain our dignity and family and friends... i suppose that's just another thread.

    thanks btw, there's lots of good advice.

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