A little more about me.....

by mandivided 12 Replies latest jw friends

  • mandivided

    Hey everyone,

    Just want to thank everyone for responding so positively to my first post (A Long Rant...and a new Beginning). Thought I'd share a little of mys story...well maybe alot of my story!

    I'm a third generation witness. However my Father, Grandparents and Aunts all decided around 20 years ago to leave the organization, either DF'ed or Dissassociated. So my mother decides to stay and raise 5 children on her own "in the truth", which means never speaking to my Dad or his side of the family. I grew up thinking I had chose the better portion, even giving assembly parts on how I was such a successful Christain youth despite my apostate father. I was the perfect witness child, and young adult, and I honestly did with all of my heart love "the truth" and tried my best. In time however, I think due to a depressive personality, I became very tired of the "ups and downs" being a witness. The desire to do good according to the organizatin, but the frustration that results from being human and having a free mind. So I began to have doubts. (The elders actually described me as a "man divided", which is how I got my alias...and it was fitting) I couldn't reconcile in my mind whether I was elder Joe, or apostate Joe, and the inner turmoil at not knowing who you are was tearing me apart. The final straw in my faith being broken was an issue involving blood and shunning. I studied with someone I went to High School with and both he and his wife came in to the organization. Right near her 21st birthday she finds out two things: 1. She's pregnant and 2. She has leukemia. When she was diagnosed I spent weeks at a time by their sides helping them through this, despite her non-witness family's repeated threats to my life for brainwashing their family for not taking blood. Long story short...she eventually took blood and both she and her husband Dissassociated themselves. After I found that out, I never spoke another word to either of them...and she eventually died...died thinking I abondonded her. And I did. I was never able to reconcile that with my faith, and I still feel tremendous guilt until this day. So after that, I slowly drifted away until I got involved in some things that brought me before a judicial commitee, and I was df'ed. That was six months ago....and honestly life has been hell since...but i do think it will get better..I hope. Anyway for the sake of time ( and everyone's attention span =) I'll post the crazy turns my life has took since being df'ed. Was I chewed up and spit out by being niave and too trusting? And not knowing you can't trust everyone?.....oh you bet....I have some stories!! I laugh right now....but I've been thru some rough seas lately...but I'm learning....slowly but surely. Well anyway thanks for listening, and you'll come to see I'm an open book, wear my heart on my sleeve and if i talk to much, shut me up.


  • misspeaches

    Hi Joe and welcome!

    I think that many including myself can agree that we have done things as a JW that we deeply regret and experience sorrow over for a long time after the event.

    May your healing begin. 6 months have passed many more years will pass by yet! Be patient with yourself and don't let the rough times get you down. Instead expect that they will inevitably happen and prepare how you will deal with them when they do.

    All the best to you!

  • jwfacts

    Amazing story, and I really look forward to hearing the rest. I hope you stick around, and learn from this board how to find happiness. It is most important to realise the error of the WTS doctrine, because it is only once you can shed yourself of thinking the beliefs are correct that you can start to realise that you do not need to feel the guilt that they have forced on you, beaten into you for your entire life.

  • Calliope

    hi joe,

    i missed your original post, so welcome.

    The desire to do good according to the organizatin, but the frustration that results from being human and having a free mind. So I began to have doubts.

    i can relate to the above. although i'm still considered a witness "in good standing", i haven't been to a meeting in 2 months. i always had doubts, but it seemed like very few people did, so you learn to just suck it up... "don't get ahead of the [perpetual] chariot"...

    anyway, sounds like you've been through some rough times but i've found that sharing and reading posts here is very helpful. it's like therapy, but free!


  • Sunspot
    I think that many including myself can agree that we have done things as a JW that we deeply regret and experience sorrow over for a long time after the event.

    OH! How painfully true this is! I still regret treating others badly (at the WTS demands) and for raising six children in that hideous cult, robbing them of anything near a normal childhood.

    Hello and welcome Joe....you have found just the right place here!



  • Super_Becka

    Hi Joe,

    I'm glad you've decided to stick around the board, we're happy to have you along. As you can see, there are lots of good people here who will listen and help you with what you're going through, everyone here is very warm and kind and accepting.

    It's good to read some more of your story, I'm sure you'll find that just getting it written down will make you feel better, and there are lots of people here who have been through similar situations who can give you advice and tips on how to handle everything. If you're willing to share your story and your life with us, you'll find lots of listening ears on the board, and lots of love and support when you need it.

    I've never been a JW myself, I stumbled across this forum in my research because I'm dating a JW (he's unbaptized and inactive), but I've been reading lots of personal stories here and it never ceases to shock me when I read a story like yours, with so much heartache and pain caused by a group that claims to be "God's organization". I can't relate to what you have been through and are going through, but I can see the pain in your words and I feel for you. My heart broke when I read the part of your story about your friend who died thinking that you'd abandoned her, I can't imagine how that must have affected you. I just hope that you're not blaming yourself for what happened to her, everything you did was based on what the Watchtower Society taught you and forced you to believe.

    I hope you feel free to post any stories you'd like to share with us, I know I'm looking forward to hearing more from you. Write whatever you want, and as much as you want to, you've had a rough go of it and we're all here to listen and help you get through this. And if you worry about writing posts that are too long and boring, check out some of my first threads, from back when I first came here a couple of months ago, crying for help with my JW boyfriend, those were some extremely long posts and I still got a lot of responses, the people on this board are not afraid to read some long posts. Nobody will try to shut you up, you can't possible talk too much to bother us JWDers.

    Enjoy your time here on the board, Joe, I look forward to more posts from you. I wish you nothing but the very best in getting through the pain you're feeling right now, and I hope you're never afraid to ask for help here.

    -Becka :)

  • serendipity

    ((( Joe ))). Have you contacted the husband of the woman who died? It may be therapeutic if you can talk to him. Also, are you father and other df'd, da'd relatives still alive? I hope you can reach out to them and reconnect, if you haven't already. We're willing to "listen" when you're ready to "talk" some more.

  • Darth Yhwh
    Darth Yhwh


    And not knowing you can't trust everyone?

    This is something that I struggle with. I choose to belive that humand in general are good and can be trusted. It seems though that I am reminded almost on a daily basis that the only one you can trust is yourself. I wish that I could think otherwise, but I cant.

    I've enjoyed your first posts on this fourm. Please continue to share. You make all of us stronger as well as your self.

  • BlackPearl

    Rember Joe, it's all about two simple things, love for Jehovah and love for neighbor. Express your love to whomever you can, hold the door open for the little old lady at the grocery, look for that little kid that needs some help, look wherever you can to show some love to your fellow man, and I gaurantee....you will be loved in return. This will begin to take away your sadness and bring you hapiness.

    Luke 14: 27, 28 - In answer he said: “‘You must love Jehovah your God with your whole heart and with your whole soul and with your whole strength and with your whole mind,’ and, ‘your neighbor as yourself.’” 28 He said to him: “You answered correctly; ‘keep on doing this and you will get life.’”

    Mark 11:28-31 30 - and you must love Jehovah your God with your whole heart and with your whole soul and with your whole mind and with your whole strength.’ 31 The second is this, ‘You must love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”

    Love your fellow man as best you can, Jehovah and his son will surely look upon you with the same love.

  • Clam

    Joe, I too have missed your earlier posts so I take this opportunity to welcome you to the human race.

    Your story is so poignant, and like a lot of experiences I read on here it stirs up many emotions in me, including of course anger.

    Anger not at the individual of course but at this malevolent cult which has taken varying sized bites from our lives.

    I wish you all the best for the future and am proud to have you as a fellow board "brother".


Share this