We don't want to divorce, but we do. What other options exist?

by BrianGreen 47 Replies latest jw friends

  • sammielee24

    yeah..okay...I was agreeing...what can I say?...it's all in the attitude ....sammieswife..

  • divejunkie

    Staying married for the kids is never a good idea.

    I completely understand your position about the kids. But if you guys are talking and communicating well, maybe there is the possibility of coming up with an arrangement that works for both of your interests.

    I don't know if somebody has suggested this already, but what about divorcing but finding places to live that will allow you to be neighbors? That way you have constant and easy access to each other and the kids while having your own space and living separate lives.

    I know a couple who is currently doing this and it seems to work great for them. They came to a point where neither one of them wanted to be married to each other, but other than that they get along great. So they came to this arrangement. But it won't work if the divorce isn't amicable.

    Think about it.

    I wish you the best for you and your family.

  • BizzyBee

    Brian, you and your wife have good communication going for you, anyway. Think about that.

    I agree that the children should come first. HOWEVER, that assumes that you staying together would present a happy facade for the children. If you get counseling and can turn that around, just enough, that might be the best solution.

    However, given the reality of human nature, that is not necessarily going to be the outcome. Your wife wants a truly happy marriage partnership and you want your freedom. A good compromise would be living close to each other and sharing custody. The children still have a lot of access to both parents. They would still be missing the piece about an intact family, but on the other hand, they would be aware that a daddy living in the basement is not the model of a good marriage.

    One of the over-riding factors in my divorce was that I did not want my sons to think that this is what marriage should look like.

  • unique1

    Would it be possible for you to build an apartment onto the house or convert the basement into one with a seperate entrance, so you could be divorced and live in the same house and see your kids every day instead of half of the time? It would be difficult, but it is an option.

  • beksbks

    I think that folks that stay together for "the sake of the children", are really fooling themselves, and are actually trying to come to terms with their own guilt over the situation. The children can feel a lack of love. Wouldn't it be better if the parents were seperate but friendly, and possibly with more loving partners? I just went back and read more in depth the previous posts. As far as people who say that the children had such problems after the divorce, are you so sure they are not actually the result of the time spent together BEFORE the split? I know that even though in later years, I grew to understand and love my father, my life could have been much less stressful, if my mother had left him and done ok on her own. I think that is the ultimate key, how well do the parents do after the split? Do they give the children adequate attention and security, or are they consumed with the loss of the other parent? Everyone has a right to find an equal, loving partner that they can share life with, and respect. How is that not a good example for children?

  • BrianGreen

    Thank you all for your frank advice. We still dont know what were doing, and we still feel somethings got to give. Valentines Day had lousy timing this year.


  • alamb

    I have been mulling this over and rethinking ideas I had about staying together for the kids.

    I agree that divorce is the last resort and everything should be tried first. But I was raised in a JW household where my mother and father slept in different bedrooms since the 70's...when I was around 8 I think. THis gave me such a distorted view of marriage. On top of that, they would take separate cars to the Kingdom Hall and other places which forced my brother and I to decide who to ride with; untimately making us choose our loyalties. They didn't hold hands or kiss or even go in service together. They always sat my brother or I between them at meetings, etc. During that time I saw my dad fall in love with a really nice gal who still asks about him. They would have been perfect together. My mom flirted with every brother at the hall for attention she wasn't getting. Long story short, my mother is bitter and twisted, my father took up drinking and abused me, my brother waited until his late 30's to marry because his idea of marriage was screwed up too. I ended up rushing into a marriage to escape their home. It never ends.

    If you have come to the end of the road, call it that. Just put the kids FIRST, and stay friends...which is alot more than some married couples can lay claim to. Have a plan, stick to it and respect each other. Above all, don't round up armies to support one side or the other, come to your decisions together, without using friends and family for support...which tends to make things a whole lot worse when more personalities are brought into this. The kids will see that and they will see how conflict can be resolved amicably by two adults, without vindictiveness and bitterness. You can use the worst of situations to teach the best of lessons.

  • outoftheorg

    Well Gary beat me to saying what I would of.

    The only thing I can add is this. When we leave the jw's religious group, "actually a cult" we are leaving a cult who claim to be the happiest people on earth.

    When in fact they are the most unhappy, unsatisfied, CONFUSED, people with no social abilities.

    So no wonder you are confused and unhappy, not pleased with your life, that is the usual life of a jw.

    When you left the jw's it is like a divorce. You both lose your identities. If you were born and raised in the jw's you have no former personality to return to. If you joined as young adults you are lucky in that you have that former personality to return to.

    I strongly advise that you seek out a psychologist together to work this out.

    If you can't afford it, the state has programs that you can get help from.

    I also suggest you read Gary's posts several times over.


Share this