We don't want to divorce, but we do. What other options exist?

by BrianGreen 47 Replies latest jw friends

  • Latte

    FHN said.....

    I wish they would have gotten counseling and worked it out.

    Brian, i think that could be a good idea.

    All the best for {{{{{you and your family}}}}}.

  • BrianGreen

    Thank you all for your suggestions and thoughts. My wife and I are both reading every word.


  • gumby
    Thank you all for your suggestions and thoughts. My wife and I are both reading every word.


    Brian, I think that it is totally awesome that BOTH of you are reading this thread. How cool is that? Please do all you can to make your marriage work. Gumby

  • jgnat

    I don't know which state you are in, Brian Green, so I can't give specific advice on what resources might be available to you. It seems that you and your wife are ripe for either marriage counselling or mediation towards an amicable separation. It does seem in many ways the marriage is over for both of you. But you are justifiably afraid of losing access to your children. As Gently Feral has suggested, a joint custody arrangement where the two of you live nearby might be an ideal solution.

    What many people fail to realize is that immature, unhappy people usually have lousy divorces. If they couldn't get along in the marriage, what made them think the divorce would be a breeze? Happily, this doesn't seem to be the case with the two of you. You are talking. You both want what's best for both of you. Get an objective third party to help you negotiate things and you could avoid all the nasties that go along with a separation like this.

    OR you could find out you kind of like working together after all. I have high hopes the two of you will work this thing out.

  • Gill

    If there is no abuse, mental, physical or emotional in a marriage then there is still the chance that the relationship can be fixed. All that has gone wrong is that two people who REALLY love eachother have lost sight of the fact because of circumstances, being work, children or other pressures.

    Why is there so much vitriol going on when people divorce? It's just the emotional pain caused by rejection and it is a terrible pain that causes terrible anguish and ANGER! What do we do when someone hurts us? We hit back.

    I suspect that a fair proportion of people who divorce, (I have NO figures) are really still in love and just do not know it until it's too late. Then the pain will never leave them. Usually, (but not always) they don't get back together and never find happiness again.

    Go with Gary's excellent suggestions and get counselling.

    You may find that you're (in the words of the song):

    'Searching for rainbows, looking for love,

    When it's right in the palm of your hand!'

    Good luck and best wishes to you, your wife and your children.

  • proplog2

    It doesn't sound like either of you are abusive. Stay together until your kids get launched on life. That's what marriage is really all about. "Love" is noise in the machine. Abusive relationships are hard on kids - and at least one of the partners. But a cold relationship is manageable and will give a better environment for the children. But you have to reach some kind of consensus on the children.

    One of the biggest sources of violence, molestation etc. is a step-father. BEWARE!!

    Men often don't like other men's children.

  • Golf

    BG and Mrs, welcome. Some people hate DR. Phil but I'll tell you what, he's got some interesting shows about marriage and family. Without question he would recommend counseling especially, yes especially, when children are involved.

    You'got some fine suggestions thus far, take them to heart.


  • garybuss

    Hi Mister and Missus Brian,

    If there's not abuse, neglect, or addiction, just do this before you divorce. Ask yourselves, "Would I stay married IF I was happy?". If the answer is yes, then write down with pen and paper what it would take for you to be happy. Then one by one DO those things on the LISTS.

    When those things are all done, pause and take inventory. See if you are happy, or if those things you imagined would make you happy were reality or not. AFTER you're happy, THEN talk about the divorce with a family therapist.

    Sometimes a certain type of person keeps mental tract of little aggravations and tallies them up to something worth making a fuss about. When that happens sometimes these people are trying to please somebody not even there, like their mother. Some people have a sub agenda they aren't even aware of like living up to the standards of somebody they could never please, like a distracted father.

    To me those little aggravations like leaving my medicine cabinet door open every single day, is just a little pot hole on the road to somewhere I want to go. I never say anything about it. I just close it every day. I have to be careful I don't give up all the things I really do enjoy about the partnership. Big things, like a house and a heated garage and a heated shop, and easy access to my children and grandchildren, just to solve some small aggravations.

    When my solution causes a bigger problem than it solved, I am the problem. The problem's not the problem, I am the problem. What's more important, the medicine cabinet door, or my children? Easy for me to decide.

    Why not finish every sentence with . . . "and divorce isn't an option". Like: What you're doing aggravates me and divorce isn't an option. That forces ya to seek out a solution rather than an escape.

    Jehovah's Witnesses are divorce happy as a group. That attitude is serious after we leave. We come from a culture where all people are dispensable, all relationships are subject to our obedience or our performance. When we leave, sometimes one of us takes on the role of the "governing body" and the other gets to be the faithful slave. That ain't gonna work. Ideas and attitudes like these are some of the big obstacles we have to overcome after we leave high control groups.

    The first step is to acknowledge there is a problem with our characters. It's not our fault but the solution is only up to us. Our children don't need to bear the insecurity and grief of loosing daily contact with a cherished parent because we can't be bothered to recover and learn how to be rational parents to them.

  • alamb

    Once again, Gary nailed it.

  • troucul

    just so you know, there's no law against reconciling and remarrying your ex-spouse. shit, my wife and I did it. That was seven years ago.

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