We don't want to divorce, but we do. What other options exist?

by BrianGreen 47 Replies latest jw friends

  • ferret

    I must agree with Flying High. From my own personal experience divorce causes psychological problems that follow children through out their lifetime. It is possible to live together and each partner show unconditional love to the children, unless there are other circumstances such as unfaithfulness.

  • FlyingHighNow

    Joint custody can be very complicated if the mates involved don't get along that well. It means that either one of you can go by the school and pick up the kids, sometimes to the other's chagrin. Then it will take both of your signatures when it comes to anything legal. So if you need to make decisions like does the child need private schooling, etc., you both must agree on it. If you can't work well together now, joint custody will be ten times more miserable than being married when it comes to parenting.

  • willowmoon

    You also both need to consider the responsibilities of being a single parent, since that's what you will be when each of you have custody of the children.

    There are some very real challenges to this role, especially if tensions between the two of you continue. While many of us are successful single parents, I think we can attest to the tremendous amount of responsibility and selflessness it involves. Please think about it carefully and, as adults, do the right thing for your children.

    I wish you well.


  • IP_SEC

    Man that Gary is handing out good advice like it's going out of style today.

  • blondie

    I haven't read all the other posts. So if I repeat someone, sorry. It was "against the rules" to get marriage counseling outside the organization, now that you are out, before giving up completely, why not check into that. If anything, you will have tried and sought out some help from a professional.

    I've been married 15 years, my husband and I left at the same time, and so far so good. But if I had an 8 year old girl and a 2 year old boy, I would try counseling first before I gave up.

    Blondie (just my opinion)

  • doofdaddy

    I scanned the others comments, so I apologise if I repeat anothers thoughts...

    I reckon separate.

    You already are emotionally and actually physically now that you sleep downstairs. That is a bizarre situation.

    But separation doesn't mean fighting over the kids. Why not rent a place nearby so the children have open and easy access to you both? I am the child of divorce and divorced myself (twice. Ah the jw life)

    I sole parented and had a step son. I also work with youth and am currently a foster carer for two 16 yr olds.

    After all this experience I believe that both parents need equal time with the children. That children also need to see you guys being civil and yes loving to each other, despite not sharing the same house. Don't forget to celebrate birthdays etc together (Now with new found freedom from jws)

    From your post, it appears that you communicate reasonably well with each other, so that is a great start.

    Be honest with each other and be as honest as possible with the kids, keeping in mind their tender ages.

    And good luck!

    Plenty of experience in this discussion board and I'm always up for pm if you like

    Regards Andy

  • NYCkid


    I don't have children so I can't imagine what you're going through but everyone deserves to be with someone who totally rocks their world...that includes you and your wife. Life is too short to be sleeping alone in the basement.

    Best wishes,


  • FlyingHighNow

    Sleeping alone in the basment is a symptom. It's not necessarily a death sentence.

  • sammielee24

    If your concern now rests with the access to your kids and not in trying to save your marriage, then recognize that you aren't divorcing your kids. Why not rent a house on the same block or if you are able, turn the basement into your own apartment with your own entrance. That way, you can both remain separate but accessible to the kids. I commend you both for having the maturity to discuss the issue rationally - many people going through divorce can't seem to do that. I've seen too many times where it wasn't the actual action of divorce that caused so many of the problems, but the attitude of one or the other of the parties during the process, that caused the damage - revenge, anger, disgust, manipulation...from both sides. sammieswife.

  • doofdaddy

    Couldn't have said it better myself Sam

    Ooops I actually did, didn't I about 2 posts back

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