One last act of separation

by jeanniebeanz 11 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  jeanniebeanz

  Well, I was cleaning out the last of the boxes from our move to Texas and I came across my old New World Translation.

  I stopped and looked at it for a while, leafed through the pages to see the notes, hastily scribbled during some talk or another, little pieces of my life and world... Some of the comments triggering memories of conventions, or relatives, mainly though, triggering feelings of... nothingness.

  Nothingness... that is what my time as a witness has boiled down to. Years of my life offered gladly to an organization that I believed would show me, and those whom I loved, the way to a better life where there would be no, "sickness, death or suffering" all meant nothing.

  It used to make me mad or sad thinking about these things, but now there is just nothing.

  Not even when I think about my Dad. I used to get so upset at having lost him; I'd cry and hope that he'd see the light and leave the organization. Now though, I think I've given up and let him go.

  Maybe that is what this feeling of nothingness is... Maybe, to me, it just does not matter anymore. Would I even want them back now after all this time? I have no idea. Would they want me back? I doubt it.

  It's the strangest feeling to feel nothing.

  BTW the NWT ended up going through the shredder and is headed off to become something more worthwhile...in the recycle bin. Old tax returns and the NWT... yep... it's happier now.

  Jean
• 

  freedomlover

  I'm looking forward to those days JB - when I feel nothing. not extreme sadness or loss...
  
  thanks for letting me peek around the corner and see the peace I will feel one day.
  
  I'm happy for you and your peace and of mind.
• 

  mrsjones5

  Ecclesiastes 1 NIV (New International Version) Print Listen to Ecclesiastes 1
  < Go to Proverbs 31 Go to Ecclesiastes 2 >

  Everything Is Meaningless

  1 The words of the Teacher, [a] son of David, king in Jerusalem:

  2 "Meaningless! Meaningless!"
  says the Teacher.
  "Utterly meaningless!
  Everything is meaningless."

  3 What does man gain from all his labor
  at which he toils under the sun?

  4 Generations come and generations go,
  but the earth remains forever.

  5 The sun rises and the sun sets,
  and hurries back to where it rises.

  6 The wind blows to the south
  and turns to the north;
  round and round it goes,
  ever returning on its course.

  7 All streams flow into the sea,
  yet the sea is never full.
  To the place the streams come from,
  there they return again.

  8 All things are wearisome,
  more than one can say.
  The eye never has enough of seeing,
  nor the ear its fill of hearing.

  9 What has been will be again,
  what has been done will be done again;
  there is nothing new under the sun.

  10 Is there anything of which one can say,
  "Look! This is something new"?
  It was here already, long ago;
  it was here before our time.

  11 There is no remembrance of men of old,
  and even those who are yet to come
  will not be remembered
  by those who follow.

  Wisdom Is Meaningless

  12 I, the Teacher, was king over Israel in Jerusalem. 13 I devoted myself to study and to explore by wisdom all that is done under heaven. What a heavy burden God has laid on men! 14 I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

  15 What is twisted cannot be straightened;
  what is lacking cannot be counted.

  16 I thought to myself, "Look, I have grown and increased in wisdom more than anyone who has ruled over Jerusalem before me; I have experienced much of wisdom and knowledge." 17 Then I applied myself to the understanding of wisdom, and also of madness and folly, but I learned that this, too, is a chasing after the wind.

  18 For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
  the more knowledge, the more grief.
• 

  silentWatcher

  It's the strangest feeling to feel nothing.
  
  -------------------------------------------------
  
  I hope to get there someday. :-)
  
  -silent
• 

  prophecor

  
  

  It gets kinda' difficult to make any sense of it all, I know, JB. I still feel a bit of emptiness. When I look back over the years I have been on the run from the illusive, oppressive God, that was Jehovah, I ran for so many years. Running and running, looking over my shoulder like a paranoid schizophrenic. I even tried to prove to Jehovah, by my wayward behaviour, just how bad I really was while I almost begged him to execute me so I could just get it over with. I was tired from the chase. I knew I'd committed the unforgivable sin.

  Now, after being on board this ship here, the waters are no longer tumultuous. I can finally stop so I can get some rest. No more panting. I've been allowed to gain some perspective on the campaign of chaos that was my life, in and outside of the Kingdom Hall. The fake smiles, the allegedly humble hearts, the almost Godlike Power of those in high station within the hierarchy of the establishment. The CO's, the DO's. It's all like a bad dream and being awakened to the fact that your entire life's sleep was wasted on a nightmare.
• 

  arrowstar

  oh my beautiful beautiful Jeannie The feeling of nothingness is a strange one indeed. After all the emotions/feelings that you go through, it is strange to feel nothing. Hard to describe but you know what I mean. The shredder and recycle bin was the probably the best thing you could have done. Now something good will come of it. Lisa
• 

  Thegoodgirl

  JB,

  that must have brought memories. I hope the nothingness is a good feeling? If you mean you remembered the nothingness feelinig of being a JW, I so know what you mean. I think that feeling, more than any others, was what drove me away. It was such an empty silly life, studying about nothing, preaching to no one, giving talks with no result, struggling for nothing.

  Isn't it great to have a life again with meaning and places to go?
• 

  sass_my_frass

  :) well done!

  I'm not looking forward to opening the box with the photo albums...
• 

  reneeisorym

  I don't know about all of this nothingness feeling. When I was a witness, I was so very zealous. I had "Bible" studies out my ears. Thankfully, I was never able to convert but one person who I later converted to an apostate (funny, huh?). And now as an apostate, I am a very proud apostate. I have a new zeal to learn all I can about the Bible and I read it every spare moment I get. Along with that, it gives me great confidence that at only 23 years old, I was able to see it was wrong. I have seen so many waste years and years of their lives in that cult. I am so very proud of myself for having an open mind and not being sucked into it my whole life. I dearly hate losing my family but I hold tight to the hope that one day my parents will come out too. I can't see anyone else in my family that I talked to before I DAed myself coming out but I have hope for my parents. They know that I left because I felt the religion was wrong. A lot of other people think that I left for "the world" and "fleshly desires". My parents know I left after dilligent Bible study. My dad said, "I never questioned that it was the truth so I never asked the questions you are asking. You always had to be different." and my mom said, "I hope you are happy becaues you have gotten me to question everything I thought I knew for 30 years of my life."

  That said, I am a very passinate person. I am proud of who I have become and hope I never feel nothingness.
• 

  Big Dog

  What's the popular truism? Hate isn't the opposite of love, indifference is. When you become indifferent towards something or someone any emotional attachment is over.