I am proud of who I have become and hope I never feel nothingness.
Hello, reneeisorym. I think I understand what you are saying, but whereas your studies led you to believe that the witnesses have it all wrong, and led you to a different understanding of the bible, mine did not stop there. I continued and eventually, after ten years, came to the understanding that the bible itself is not gods word, because I believe that god does not exist.
The nothingness that I feel when I look back on being a witness is nothingness to the feelings that held me captive to a false belief system for 33 years of my life. It is a final understanding and acceptance that when you open your eyes and choose to leave, that you are going to lose certain things, and that is okay.
I do not feel nothing' in all areas of life. I am a passionate person full of life, and I have worked hard to get where I am.
I struggled to come back from complete financial destruction and mental anguish upon leaving the witnesses. I have fought the cult indoctrination of my children and won them out. I have found a decent caring person who would never treat me like my abusive ex (a witness in good standing) and with whom I have rebuilt a family. I went back to school and got my bachelors degree while working full time, through an incredibly difficult pregnancy (three emergency trips to the hospital, two in an ambulance). I finished the first year of school from my hospital bed carrying 17 units and busting a 4.0.
Believe me, I am a passionate person. But, the welcome feeling of nothingness when I look back on the witness days and the people lost is a welcome place of peace. I have grown tired of struggling to hang onto, and make sense of, my witness life and the loss of my family. Trying to make sense of it can eat you alive if you let it. And it did for a number of years.
My view of life is very different now. I love life and do not spend so much effort on the past that the present suffers. Each day is a wonderful gift and I enjoy it, with its struggles and pains but with its triumphs as well, for what it is worth. I have faith in the ultimate triumph of the human spirit, and the human race. Just having been a part of it is enough for me.