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by misspeaches 45 Replies latest social humour

  • Clam

    Excerpts from the Queen Mother's Book of Remembrance

    The following are entries made by the British public in special books left in churches and cathedrals shortly after the death of HRH Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother

    > "She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are shit"
    > J.Clement. Grantham.

    > ----------------------------------------------------------
    > "I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly"
    > D.Holmes, Somerset.
    > ----------------------------------------------------------
    > "She was a trooper and she never gave up. I remember one time she was
    > visiting a school and I asked her if she would like to make a visit to
    > the cloakroom before she left. 'No' she replied, 'I didn't give in to
    > the Nazis and I won't give in to the bladder'. That's how she was, a
    > fighter, who refused to be beaten by anything. She pissed herself
    later though"
    > B. Forrester, North Yorkshire.
    > ----------------------------------------------------------
    > "She was a marvellous woman, and a wonderful lover".
    > L. J.Worthington, Penrith.
    > ----------------------------------------------------------
    > "I am absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the day off".
    > S.Wilson, Bristol.

    > ----------------------------------------------------------
    > "How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal
    > family without being accused of being homosexual". J. Fletcher, High
    > Wycombe.
    > ----------------------------------------------------------
    > "Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to
    > experiment with drugs".
    > E. Franks, Cheshire.
    > ----------------------------------------------------------
    > "On behalf of all blacks, I send the sincerest condolences".
    > T.Watson, Ilford.
    > ----------------------------------------------------------

    > "Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman
    > should have a bit more compassion, how would she feel if it was her
    > mother?"
    > W.Waugh, Richmond.
    > ----------------------------------------------------------
    > "It is such a loss, God has shat on our heads".
    > K. O'Neil, Inverness.

    > "I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this setback put an end to her
    > public duties". N. Wallace, Swansea.
    > ----------------------------------------------------------
    > "I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this
    terrible event"
    > E. Thompson, West Lothian.
    > ---------------------------------------------------------
    > "Bomb Iraq for us Tony, its the only thing that will make us feel
    > better"
    > P.McGregor, Southampton.
    > ---------------------------------------------------------
    > "We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers, anything
    > to help these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past her coffin".
    > R. Thompson, Bath.
    > ---------------------------------------------------------
    > "I have been unable to masturbate for five days, and will not do so
    > again until her majesty is buried"
    > E. Gorman, Derbyshire.
    > ---------------------------------------------------------
    > "Good God, who is next, Geri Halliwell?".
    > R. Combes, Romford.
    > ---------------------------------------------------------
    > "No matter how she felt, no matter the situation, she always wore a
    > smile. Just like a retard"
    > G. Hollins, East Sussex.
    > ----------------------------------------------------------
    > "I remember she came to visit us in the East End one time. She was so
    > kind, so generous and so sweet. She whispered softly in my ear, 'you
    > know its not true' she said, 'you don't smell of shit'. She was a
    > wondrous person". E.Collier, London.
    > ----------------------------------------------------------
    > "Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana".
    > G.Williams, West Midlands.
    > ----------------------------------------------------------
    > "She was one of us, and by that I don't mean she perpetrated insurance
    > fraud or lied about expense claims. She was like us in a good way. God
    > bless you ma'am". L. Weller, Harlow.

    "She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and
    misfortune. Let us hope that if there is a next time round she is
    given a life of privilege and comfort" T.D.Wainwright, Hastings.

  • misspeaches

    A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says to the koala "Hey! what are you doing?"

    The koala says"Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

    The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he
    looks up and says - "Hey you!"

    The koala looks down and says: "Faaaaarrrrk much water did you drink?!!"

  • misspeaches

    The US Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

    They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

    The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

    The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

    The third one was a non officer grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

    It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

    The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

    My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

    The old Chief calmly replied . . "Vietnam".

  • misspeaches

    This one is for all who:

    a) have kids
    b) had kids
    c) was a kid
    d) know a kid!

    As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

    Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!"
    pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

    When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

    I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

    She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

  • JH
  • stillAwitness
  • stillAwitness

    Who's really pulling the strings?This one gets me everytime

  • misanthropic

    Supposedly actual headlines. Funny even if not true.


    Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
    [No, really?]

    Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
    [ That'll stop 'em. ]

    Miners Refuse to Work after Death
    [No-good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!]

    Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
    [See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

    War Dims Hope for Peace
    [I can see where it might have that effect!]

    If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
    [You think?]

    Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
    [Who would have thought!]

    Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
    [They may be on to something!]

    Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges !
    [You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

    Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
    [He probably IS the battery charge!]

    New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
    [Weren't they fat enough?!]

    [Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
    [Taste like chicken?]

    Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
    [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

    Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
    [Boy, are they tall!]

    And the winner is....

    Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

  • prophecor
  • Darth Yhwh

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