Thought we could share any funnies we have in this thread. No commentary is needed. Lets just make it solely jokes, cartoons, funny pics etc.
Post your funny here!
Tips for 2006
- DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
- CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.
- RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
- DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
- WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
- MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
- EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
- ALCOHOL: Makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
- MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
- GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending $50 to yourself by Post.
- BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
- DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
- PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
- CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
- DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help'; simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
- MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop you're mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
- SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside a supermarket with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
- BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
- ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
- McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
- WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a s**t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house afterwards
To all the over 30s Women
This is for all you girls 30 years and over.... and for those who are turning 30…. and for those who are scared of moving into their 30's.... AND for guys who are scared of girls over 30!!!!...
- A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
- If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
- A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
- Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
- Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
- A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
- Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.
- A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.
- Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
- Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
- Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.
This Is AMAZING!!!
Until now I never fully understood how to tell, The differenceBetween Male and Female Birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically. Until Now.
Which of The Two Birds Is a Female???
Below are Two Birds. Study them closely... See If You Can Spot Which of The Two Is The Female. It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills.
HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT IN JANUARY 2009
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long...
The ghost of George Washington appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears..
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
They don't call him Honest Abe for nothing!