Gimme your best excuses

by justsomedude 32 Replies latest jw friends

  • Calliope

    sister elder: "oh, i missed you at the meeting the other night, were you sick?"

    my reply: "no".

    sister elder: "oh, were you away, visiting you parents?"

    my reply: "no"

    sister elder: "oh..."

    sister elder shifts uncomfortably.

    my reply: "i stayed home and rented a movie instead."

  • feelinsketchy

    Managing my brothel takes up all my spare time.

    I'm fighting with the elders.

    My pimp keeps beating me.

    The blood bank is making me work overtime.

    I did some time in jail for a sex offender rap (elders only)

  • zagor

    "I've been so busy in field service I just can't make it to meetings, just as WTBS literature promised soooo many are interested and wanting to have a study with me"

    "I've just been diagnosed with witnoidus-fartitis and at any moment can start uncontrolably yelling and farting"

    Actually telling you've been diagnosed with any manic or psycho thing requiring 24 hours supervision is going to send creeps down their spine and they'll probably let you go. And I’d imagine after many years there many here are at that point anyway, lol.

  • gaiagirl

    "Sorry I haven't been to church lately. I've been busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian". (Bumper sticker found at

  • rebel8


    menstrual cramps


    food poisoning

    busy conducting a study with a neighbor who refuses to have anyone else be at the study (that's one I used, heh)

    working overtime

  • cyberdyne systems 101
    cyberdyne systems 101

    I have been diagnosed with 'toretts' and have been asked by the elders to avoid being with the brothers

  • TallTexan

    These are some great replies. I'm still laffing.....

    If you want to go the serious, respectful route (lol) use the chemical sensitivity one. It works great. In nearly every congregation I've been in, there's been SOMEONE who is allergic to the hall....just like I am I don't know your situation, but try 'caring for an elderly relative'. Work scheule is a good one, especially if there are other congregations in your area. Of course, if I know JW's, they know half the other cong's around and will call and check up on you.

    Brother Nosy: Noticed you've been missing quite a few meetings.

    You: Well, I've always put the Kingdom first and felt it was inappropriate to attend college. Now I have to work 16 hours a day to make ends meet so it's really hard on the meeting schedule. Is there any type of loving provision by which I can get paid to attend the meetings?

    If all else fails, use the Office Space line:

    Brother Nosy: It seems you've been missing a lot of meetings lately.

    You: Well, I wouldn't say I've been missing them..ha ha ha ha

  • BlackSwan of Memphis
    BlackSwan of Memphis

    elder (or otherwise nozy person): We're concerned about your spirituality, as you have missed several meetings. Is everything ok?

    u: Uh, yup everything is fine. (look nervously around you and behind your shoulder)

    elder (oonp): Is there anything we can do to help?

    u: Uh, (look both ways real quick and behind your shoulder) yeah, I have this person stalking me, (keep looking nervously around) He is looking to do bodily harm and has showed up like everywhere, the LAST time I came to the congregation Service meeting, when I came out After, he followed me home. I'm really spiritualy deprived, perhaps the next meeting I come to, we'll swap clothes and he can follow you to my house. He's really pissed, I owe him about $5,000. Can you help?

    or how about:

    This is between me and God and that's where it's stayin', if you have a problem with that too bad.


  • IMustBreakAway

    I was thinking along the lines of oweing someone a lot of money and asking them for a loan. In fact go to a meeting and ask everyone you see for money.. Suddenly no one will miss you.

  • BlackSwan of Memphis
    BlackSwan of Memphis
    I was thinking along the lines of oweing someone a lot of money and asking them for a loan. In fact go to a meeting and ask everyone you see for money.. Suddenly no one will miss you.

    I have seen that happen. Especially if you ask for a sum of $ that people are uncomfortable to even think of. meagan

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