My mom and Dad are divorced and my father never helped my mother on raising us, so basically she was a single-mother. He just abandoned my three brothers and me and my mother had to work two jobs all of the time so we never got to see her. When we did see her it was after school, but all she did was yell at us, make food, and leave to her next job. I was always loved by all my teachers because of my effort and grades and I was an overall good-hearted person in general (I still am). Anyway I never really had a "family" It was like growing up abandoned just my brothers and me. So I developed a really strong relationship with school and saw it as my family. The teachers as my parents and the students as my brothers and sisters. That is why I was always a straight "A" student because I wanted to please my "family". After school I would feel depressed coming home just to be yelled at the whole time when all I wanted was love from my mother the little time I saw her. All she would say would be insults to us. I always had a connection with God since I was little. Let me make it clear I had a connection with God NOT with religion. I would talk to him eventhough he would never respond, but It was okay because I always felt that he was listening. At school my classmates would talk about their dads and I´d just sti there...of course someone would ask me about my dad and all I would say is: " I don´t have a dad, my dad is God." and I would feel happy I was proud.
My mom´s yelling and un-loving behavior started getting to me and I fell into depression. I was thirteen years old and I started wearing all black and hanging out with the wrong people. I started talking less to God. All I would say to him was "I want to die". My life had no meaning it was dull and loveless. My grades started dropping and I would get called into the office to discuss the reasons. I would just tell them that I didn´t feel like caring anymore and I dropped out of TAG. Eventually I started skipping school and doing drugs and my mom had no idea. She never took the time to really care about us...I mean she had no time. She didn´t even know that I was in TAG or that I would get a million awards at school or that I was a straight A student. I learned her signature and signed everything since I learned cursive.
So I started doing this easy to get drug (its an inhalant) and I would do it everyday and various times a day, too. I would inhale until I would faint. I would have these dreams. I was a ball of light and something was telling me like through energy that I was tainting myself and It was like seeing myself in my purest form.Well the ball of light (which was me) was speckled with some black spots. And I felt soooooo bad I started bawling. When I gained consciousness I woke up and I was still bawling. It was the saddest I have ever felt. Anyway I was thinking "Did God show me what I was doing to myself?" But I quickly replaced it with "I was hallucinating..its nothing that serious". So anyway I would do it again and inhale until I would lose consciousness. Again I would see myself as a ball of light. I could actually feel myself..like my energy and It was very sweet and loving...but It had sadness in there too. This time I felt some other type of energy telling me to please stop hurting myself. After I woke up I was of course crying and I would be like "Woah these "dreams" are weird". I didn´t listen to the energy telling me to stop and I did it again. This time I fell on a small couch, but I didn´t lose consciousness all the way through and I felt some dark energy , when I turned to get up from the couch the couch had a black hole in it and a HUGE tongue-like thing was trying to pull me in. I screamed and ran. When I ran I fell and I started crying. Okay so I stopped for a while after that. I was convinced that something or someone wanted me to stop...but I was not sure who..if it was an angel...idk I was perplexed.
A few days passed and I forgot about the incident and I was planning on inhaling again. So i did....only this time something even bigger happened. I inhaled and passed out for like 5 minutes. I was still laying down when i regained conscienceness with my eyes closed. As I was about to get up to continue inhaling I felt a wall come over me and my eyes did not open. I was extremely scared! A million thoughts ran through my head: "I´m dead", "I´m about to meet the devil", "Is this hell?", "I´m so sorry"....etc. Then I saw clouds like different type of clouds. Energy looking. I felt a presence a GREAT presence. Let me describe it. It felt amlighty , angry, father-like, strong, but most importantly LOVING. I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE FELT LOVE LIKE THAT. I then realized it was not the devil. I FELT SOOOO HUMBLED I WAS IN AWE EVEN MY THOUGHTS FROZE. I did not see that presence I just felt it and he spoke to me...not in a language like you and I speak but It was different. It was like through energy like thunder like in a way that got sent to your heart and you would interpret it instantly and just understand. Any way I will tell you what he said in an actual language
"Do you know who I am? Let me present myself to you. I am the creator...the Alpha the Omega. (He showed me a system in the way he controls and I do not know how to explain it) When you arise from your high do you think It is YOU that decides if you get up or not? Do you think it is YOU that continues to let you live? Do not think so highly of yourself, I decide.If you still lived it was because I DECIDED. You have been hurting yourself continuosly and despite the previous events YOU STILL DO NOT LISTEN. Do you not fear me? (At this time i felt like a piece of feces like I was so wortless compared to this being..but at the same time I felt like a part of him embraced me and hugged me and told me he loved me) NOW I WILL DECIDE WHAT WILL HAPPEN TODAY RIGHT NOW AS WELL. HERE ARE THE OPTIONS EITHER YOU DIE, YOU BECOME RETARTED, OR I GIVE YOU ANOTHER CHANCE AND I LET YOU LIVE NORMALLY. ( I was trembling and before I could even respond and say sorry he just left..the wall went away and I was afraid to open my eyes. When I did I started crying because he had given me another chance and I felt his love one last time and I cried even more becuase he showed mercy on me and I didn´t want that love to leave me. I felt is so close. I wanted to leave with him).
Okay after that my life changed completely. I stopped doing drugs and hanging out with the wrong people. I do not drink or smoke or even go to parties.I changed back to the person I was before. I guess I just need some love.
Okay so let me just tell you about ONE time when I tried doing the drug again after that. I KNEW I shouldn´t..but I lost fear. So i tried it I said "For old times sake"...THIS WAS A MISTAKE. IT WAS LIKE HE WAS WAITING FOR ME TO DO IT AGAIN. Anyway when I did it..the high was lasting longer than usual.I started freaking out because I felt like I was retarted..even drool would come out! I was like "okay I guess this is what I get for disobeying after he let me live." So anyway I was soooo sad and high at the same time. I went home and I got on my knees and started to cryy. The high would not end and It only lasts like top 3-4 minutes. Hours had passed already!! When i was on my knees I told him I was sorry and that I accept the consequences that I still love him and I know its my fault and to let me die instead. I was crying and of course asking him to give me one last chance eventhough i knew I didnt deserve it. Anyway some minutes after that the state of retartedness went away! I was so thankful. Again I started to cry because after everything I STILLLLL got another chance.
OFCOURSE I HAVE NEVER DONE ANY DRUGS AFTER THAT!!!! I HAVE LEARNED MY LESSON.
So now I am currently a STUDY in the JW organization. There beliefs really appealed to me and they seem like really good people. They also answered all my questions and the answers satisfied me BUT I had mentioned my story to one of the sisters and she basically made my think SATAN was who I felt or it was because I was high..OKAY I DO NOT THINK SATAN WOULD WANT ME TO STOP DOING DRUGS and I MENTIONED I HAD REGAINED CONSCIOUSNESS BEFORE I FELT HIS PRESENCE. They said it was not God because he does not communicate with humans anymore. And I was like....??? Extremely confused because how then does he communicate with the JW leaders? So I am LIKE...do i believe what they say or do I believe what I EXPERIENCED? He has also done many things for me and big things too but those are other stories I´ll save for another day....so I just KNOW he exists. Okay ...what do you guys think or what are your opinions regarding all of this? I swear I am not lying.
I started thinking a lot about this lately and I came to the conclusion since I basically had no parents disciplining me...he disciplined me? Ohhh idk