I'm so conflicted

by Joyal 55 Replies latest members private

• 

  Krystal

  Nice to meet you Joyal!

  I cannot imagine what it must feel like after 30 years! I was brought up in "the truth", I was DF'ed for immorality at 17 and even after being kicked OUT it took me almost 2 years to even try looking up Jehovah's Witnesses online. My "christian conscience" (even though it was severly damaged by that point) wouldn't allow me to read anything "anti-witness".

  Once I did look it up and spent some time reading here, I was crushed. I had already not been to meetings for 2 years and I was still so upset.

  In my limited experience, I have found so much relief here. Although I read much much more than I post, this place is my "strength" now. My bf has been nothing but wonderful and supportive, but there is nothing like being able to communicate with people who can really relate and who understand how big of a blow the TRUTH really is.

  Welcome to the board and I hope this will be as helpful for you as it was for me!
• 

  Joyal

  Thanks, Krystal, and everyone. This has already been helpful. To see so many responses so quickly. I might make it through the rest of the night without crying myself to sleep.

  Joyal
• 

  Krystal

  Awww!

  Don't Cry! You are past the hardest part! It will get better!!
• 

  Frannie Banannie

  ((((((((Joyal)))))))) Realize that we won't turn our backs on you or judge you for anything you might think, say or do. You are SO welcome here.

  Frannie
• 

  mjarka911

  Joyal
  
  
  Welcome to the board. I hope you do stay and read and reflect. I was in the org for a similar period of time and I can tell you it did get better for me with time. Everyone's circumstances are different regarding who they left behind (actually who is abandoning us), so that can make a clean break difficult. But go slowly. Take life as it comes to you. I think you'll enjoy not having to filter everything thru some lens of what you're "supposed" to believe.
  
  Be Good.
  
  
  Matt
• 

  Joyal

  Frannie,

  That will be something new for me -- no judgments? I can think, feel and say what I want without fear of being taken into the "little room in the back?" I won't know how to act.

  Thank you.
• 

  mjarka911

  By the way...when I first started doubting - I put myself in the witness trap: If not the JW's then who? This site helped me work thru some questions:
  
  http://www.geocities.com/questioningpage/index.html
  
  Maybe it can help you.
  
  Matt
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  Joyal

  Thanks, Matt. I will check out the site.

  Also, you made a good point about who we left behind. I was the one who left others behind when I became a JW. I abandoned my family (I am the only one who is a JW) I even left the love of my life because I was told that he would turn me away from Jehovah. What a fool I was. But hopefully my family will take be back in, not so sure about my love.

  Joyal
• 

  slugga

  Don't cry !

  *Takes off bucket* <g>

  You'll find yourself eventually you just have to trust in yourself and be strong. Every journey starts with a single step and you've just taken it. Thats something to feel good about not bad. You're a human being, with a personality all of your own you just have to let it bloom.

  What I've found helpful is reading the experiences of people on here in the same situation as you and I, there are some brothers and sisters on here that have shown some real balls and we can both learn from their examples.

  Put your crisis book down for a while it might be too much of a heavy burden to take in all at once. Start by associating and walking with us!

  <<<Big Hugs again, cos I know you like them >>>

  Matt (sans Bucket)
• 

  JamesThomas

  Welcome, dear Joyal.

  I feel as though I have lost my "identity" Who am I if I'm not a JW?

  This is a very wise observation. Notice your foundational sense of existing has not changed; only the "me" that was based on religious beliefs. In other words: the truth of what you are is still present, only a lie has died. That's not such a bad thing, is it?

  You are at a very important crossroads. You can travel down the road that will reveal much more of the actual beauty and truth of your being; or travel down a road of gathering new beliefs for another false identity. Chances are, you will gather new beliefs, but this need not be the case if you stay aware.

  I suggest, for now, that you be extremely kind, gentle, and patient with yourself. If you can, get plenty of exercise and take long quiet walks in nature. Spend more time silently feeling life in and around you, and less time focused on the chatter and commentary of the mind.

  So glad you have joined us.

  j