Advice anyone? On how men think and faithfulness.

by gabriella 39 Replies latest social relationships

  • gabriella

    This may be kind of a long story but any input or advice would be really appreciated.

    I have been married for three years to a really good guy. He's my best friend and confidante. Not the most spontaneous person I have ever met (he says it is because he is very comfortable in the relationship). I can depend on him and can tell him anything.

    When I met him, I also met his sister's husband (boyfriend at the time). He is a really good guy as well and very spontaneous and outgoing. I was always kind of attracted to him but always put that thought out of my mind as we were both unavailable.

    Anyway, he and my husband's sister ended up having a very rocky marriage. They have been seperated much of the time that they've been together. Sometimes he would talk to me about what was going on because we kind of understand each other. This last time they were having problems, though, he started flirting with me. He kissed me on the cheek and said that I was a girl "after his own heart". He said that if we were free he would marry me. It really took me by suprise and I should have been completely disgusted. It was hard though, because he is gorgeous and I am attracted to him. One day he hugged me and kissed me on the cheek and I ended up kissing him back. I was disappointed in myself but felt like he had been tempting me for weeks by the flirting. I talked to him the next time he came over and said that I felt like we were disrespecting our spouses and I couldn't continue to do that but that I hoped that we could stay good friends. His reply was that it is hard for a man and woman to be friends especially when there is alot of attraction involved. So, basically he admitted to the attraction but did not own up to whether or not he was trying to have an affair with me.

    The next week, they ended up seperating and we didn't hear from him for a couple of months. My husband called to say hi to him and I spoke to him on the phone afterward. He said that he wanted to see me but that it was wrong for us to be together alone. I invited him to go to crabbing or fishing with my husband and I and told him "please don't be a stranger." He said that he isn't very good company right now.

    We haven't heard from him again for a couple of months and both of us miss being good friends with him. I don't know what to think. My husband left him one message and he hasn't called back.

    I guess my questions are: Is he avoiding me because he found out that I was starting to be attracted to him as well? Is it out of respect for my husband that he's staying away (because he wanted me)? Is it possible to ever be friends with him again? Is he punishing me for not taking the bait and having an affair with him? If he wanted an affair, why would he only kiss me on the cheek, but not the lips?

    I should be mad at him for hitting on me and then dissing me. However, I am the one that said that we needed to slow down and part of me respects him for staying away. Is he staying away because he wants to, or because he "has to"?

    Have any of you guys been in a similar situation? Would you want the girl to stay away, or call you and try to clear things up? Is it possible to stay friends with a girl that you had hit on? Is he a player, or is he a good guy for not continuing to tempt me into an affair? What do you women think?

    I wish that I could get him out of my head but I do miss him. Maybe to him staying away is "solving" the problem, but to me the feelings are unresolved because he disappeared. I am not a cheater (have never in my life) but sometimes I think that I will never forget about him unless we hook up. I do not want to wreck my marriage and with my luck he'd get back with my sister-in-law and I'd be the one to end up divorced. I guess I am better to stay away from him and keep things how they are. It seems so cruel of him to wait until he knew that I cared for him and then just up and leave my life. Help!! Any advice you all have I will really appreciate. Thank you,,,

  • mrsjones5

    Where is Dear Abby when you need her, huh?

  • DanTheMan

    Unless you want to have an affair with him, then it's probably better the way it is.

    He gets wood when he's around you or thinks about you, I guarantee it. I don't see "just friends" in your future.

    Here is something you posted on another thread (who would you like to spend the night with):

    Mine would be "the one that got away" a man that I met when the timing was all wrong. It was the most intense chemistry and attraction that I've ever experiensed to this day. We were both in relationships and could not get together but walking away from that much attraction was the hardest thing that I've ever done. I wanted to stay friends even though we couldn't sleep together, but he said that he didn't think that he could "just be friends" with me. So, we ended up parting ways. I just always wondered what might have been if we'd met at a different point in our lives. I wish the best for him and maybe someday our paths will cross again..

    Uh, if this is the same guy, then it sounds like it would be super-duper bad for your marriage for you to be in contact with him. I have a sneaking suspicion that that might be what you want though.

  • Elsewhere

    I suspect he is staying away because it hurts to much to "just be friends".

  • mrsjones5
    I have been married for three years to a really good guy. He's my best friend and confidante. Not the most spontaneous person I have ever met (he says it is because he is very comfortable in the relationship). I can depend on him and can tell him anything

    Well apparently you cant tell him everything. I suggest that unless you're really to end your marriage forget about the other guy. Starting something with another guy (who happens to be your brother-in-law) while married tends to get messy.


  • jeanniebeanz

    If you value your man and your own self-respect stay away from this loser. What kind of a man tries to 'handle' his friends wife? On the otherhand, you seem to be more concerned with your own feelings than how your husband feels.

    How about asking your hubby, "Say, dear. You know how Bob isn't hanging around anymore? It distresses me because we were becoming very friendly when you weren't around and were kissing and stuff. It really hurts my feelings that he'd lead me on like that and then just leave. Do you think you can talk to him and get him to come back? I'd appreciate it, Dear."

    Good grief.


  • SixofNine

    "I suspect he is staying away because it hurts to much to "just be friends"."

    lol, ah David, ever the romantic. I'm thinking the pain is centered a bit lower than his heart, meself.

  • mrsjones5

    I suspect he's staying away cuz he knows he crossed a line...tsk tsk tsk

  • Elsewhere
    lol, ah David, ever the romantic.

  • Spectrum


    You're having a laugh girl. You're either confused or egocentric either way it's bad. You even got the title of this thread wrong. All I read was the drivel of a spoilt little girl. Your pathetic friend hitting on his brother-in-law's wife is no better either. A good beating might set him straight. Are you really stupid enough to believe anything he says. Stop indulging your spoilt feelings and show respect to the person you married and to the sanctity of your union. If you can't handle that get divorced before you bring children into a loveless lie of a marriage(if not too late) then have your way with whom ever you want. If I was looking for a partner and came across you I'd run a mile. Not because I'm better than you, I don't think that, but because you are unfaithful and spoilt.

    Hope this helps


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