Well, I just got back from yet another summer ass-marathon. Seventeen hours of sitting in hockey arena seats that were made for three hour games, trying to stay awake, while not losing contact with my extremities.
Needless to say, the program was dull and boring. In fact, I'm not completely sure that they didnt just re-run last year's. So, much of my amusement during the three days occurred in my own head. Fortunately this year, my 15 year old son has joined the conspiracy to mock the program.
Day 1: No time was wasted in working in tired old Matthew 24:14. A new record was set this year, with the scripture being cited twice in the first morning. Next year, I will get a sign that says 24:14 and bob up and down behind the speaker. Of the approximately 50,000 verses in the Bible, I'm sure the JWs could get by quite nicely with around 200.
One of the mornings talks featured an old quote from the 1920s. The speaker shouted "advertise, advertise, advertise", then another brother knocked him on the side of the head, and he completed the sentence. I guess manuscript talks are no longer enough, I suspect they may be just lipsyncing them, now.
Once again, the program was laden with symposiums. For some strange reason, they seem to think that if you bundle three talks and call them a symposium, they are not just talks, they are... fun.
The new book to replace the United in Worship book was released at the end of the day. During the concluding talk, I did my stretches and warm-ups, preparing for the sprint up the stairs to the book distributors. At the sound of the "amen", I took off like a bullet to beat the crowd. Unfortunately, I was caught on the jumbotron in full gallop, with my hand over an old lady's face, pushing her away. Sure it was embarrassing, but Mom should know better than to get in my way.
The new book dropped 3 chapters from the old one: mosaic law, blood transfusions, and anointed crap. Other than deleting all references to the generation, I couldn't find any other significant changes. This seems to indicate that their problems with blood and anointing are maybe bigger than I thought. Either that, or they were in desperate need of new revenue.
Day 2: Lunch featured hoagies. My son's hoagie was so long, we had to cut it to get it into the bag. We called it a "Jehoagie", because it seemingly had no beginning and no end.
In the afternoon, there was a spontaneous question and answer portion, where pre-arranged questions were asked and answered. Apparently, this was developed for the growing African market. One of the questions was "What should you do if a guerrilla comes to your door?" I immediately conjured up a mental image of answering a knock at the door to Magilla guerrilla, wearing a suit and tie, and carrying a briefcase. I whispered to my son, "Well, hide the bananas, of course". At this point, we all lost it, and it took my wife quite a while to settle the row down again.
Towards the end of the day, there was a portion that was customized for our assembly. Last year, four teenage Witnesses were killed in a car accident. They interviewed the father of one boy, and the brother of another. I couldnt help but recall the words of an old Don Henley song: "Is the head dead yet? You know the boys in the newsroom Got a running bet. Get the widow on the set. We need dirty laundry."
It was a truly nauseating display of manipulation, basically saying that God has taken these four kids hostage. If you don't sell Watchtowers door to door, you will never see them again.
Day 3: The long awaited drama. The script for this drama was the worst I have ever seen. When the Israelites were mocking Jeremiah, the insults were so lame, that I was actually embarrassed for the actors.
The following talk was tamer than I had anticipated. Except for one part where the speaker referred to media propaganda, then paused to wipe the froth off his mouth, there was nothing really worth waking up for. Actually, although there were a few references to apostates, there was nothing out of the usual about it. I'm certain the audience didn't notice anything.
The public talk was entitled "The scene of this world is changing, unfortunately the manuscript is not". It was the same talk that has been delivered every year for forty years. Here is the outline:
Part 1 (15 minutes): Everything is going to hell.
Part 2 (20 minutes): We knew it all along, its in Revelations, people! Just ask the four whore's men of the apocalypse.
Part 3 (15 minutes): Jehoover will suck up all the badness.
Part 4 (5 minutes): Sell Watchtowers door to door or God will kill you.
Concluding talk. Well, it looks like Canada will report 2% growth this year. Note the word "report". Due to attaching electrodes to 95 year olds (15 minute rule), and increasing fictionalized reports (BS conductors will whip harder), they seem to have gained 2% on the numbers. They must think people are pretty stupid, because they didnt baptize 2% last year, so the growth is obviously just in the counting.
It finished up with a final slathering of fear and guilt, and once again, it was time to get the hell out of there for another year.
Edited by - RunningMan on 2 July 2002 15:45:33