Post Your Jokes Here Thread............

by Frannie Banannie 103 Replies latest social humour

• 

  Frannie Banannie

  Have yall heard really good jokes or recv'd 'em in email, but can't remember where they are now? Thought I'd start a "joke thread" to provide a good place to look for 'em in the future. Also, something that everyone can refer to when in need of something to brighten the day, eh?

  Here's a good one for starters:
  GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCEMENT:
  
  Today the government announced that it is
  changing its emblem from an eagle
  to a condom, to more accurately reflect the
  government's political stance:
  
  A condom stands up to inflation, halts
  production, destroys the next
  generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives
  you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
  
  It just doesn't get more accurate than that > A major research institution has recently
  announced the discovery of
  > the heaviest chemical element yet known to
  science. The new element
  > has been tentatively named "Governmentium."
  
  Governmentium has one
  > neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy
  neutrons, and 11 assistant
  > deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
  
  > These 312 particles are held together by forces
  called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of
  lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it
  is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one
  > reaction to take over four days to complete
  when it would normally take less than a second.
  
  > GOVERNMENTIUM has a normal half-life of four
  years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase
  over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some
  > scientists to speculate that Governmentium is
  formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." > You will know it when you see it.
  
  > When catalyzed with money, Governmentium
  becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy since it has half as
  many peons but twice as many morons.
  
  > Randy J. Reimer, TMCM (SW), USN, RET
• 

  under74

  hehe..thanks again Frannie
• 

  under74

  oh---and here....don't know if anyone else has told this one but here goes....

  A nurse goes to a grocery store after work. She gets up to the check out and starts to write out a check. She realizes she's trying to write with a rectal thermometer and yells---"DAMMIT SOME ASSHOLES GOT MY PEN!"

  What? that's all I can think of right now.....
• 

  Frannie Banannie

  LOL! I've seen that one before and I love it, but it's good we can find it here when we try to remember it now, eh?
• 

  under74

  I can't remember where I first got that one but I like it...always makes me smile.
• 

  Frannie Banannie

  TOP 8 MORONS OF THE YEAR
  
  1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John
  Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership.
  He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter
  who's lacking intelligence.
  
  2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent
  two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself
  inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers
  discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line,
  shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
  
  3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun,
  kidnaped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different
  automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to
  withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
  
  4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and
  asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was
  too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter
  himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
  
  5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a
  robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.
  When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the
  words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man
  shouted, "That's not what I said!".
  
  6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone:
  "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes
  apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man
  shouted, "This is her husband!"
  
  7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard
  King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch
  without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun.
  Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
  (hellooooooo)!
  
  8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in
  the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to
  boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they
  couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish
  in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied.
  After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a
  nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what
  was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect
  working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and
  down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of
  the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up
  choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
  
  (NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.)
  Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
• 

  Frannie Banannie

  Number One Idiot of 2004 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, a woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she'd better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
  
  Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
  
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Number Two Idiot of 2004
  
  Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
  
  Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
  
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Number Three Idiot of 2004
  
  A true story out of San Francisco : A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "t his iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
  
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Number Four Idiot of 2004
  
  A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
  
  This guy definitely needs a sign!
  
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Idiot Number Five of 2004
  
  A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody moves!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him .

  This guy doesn't need a sign; he probably figured it out himself. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot Number Six of 2004 Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. Oh, that smarts.
  
  Give him his sign.
  
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Idiot Number Seven of 2004 Ann Arbor : The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 12:50 A. M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. Give him his sign.
• 

  Frannie Banannie

  Subject: Schooling Men
  
  For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating
  marriage - under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained
  for Marriage, Southwest Tech is offering a new 2 year associates degree....
  
  TWO YEAR DEGREE: Becoming a Real
  MEN 101 Combating Stupidities
  
  MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
  
  MEN 103 PMS-Learn! When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
  
  MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy underclothes for Christmas
  
  Winter Schedule:
  MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
  
  MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting In at
  
  MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
  
  EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
  
  EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
  
  ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers
  
  
  Spring Schedule:
  MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Butthole When You're Wrong
  
  MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
  
  MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
  
  MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
  
  ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers
  
  SECOND YEAR
  Autumn Schedule:
  SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
  
  SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
  
  SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
  
  MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
  
  Elective (See Electives Below)
  
  Winter Schedule:
  MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
  
  MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
  
  MEN 212 You Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
  
  MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
  
  MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important
  
  Spring Schedule:
  MEN 220 Omitting %&*! From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail only)
  
  MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket after Farting is NOT Necessary
  
  MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
  
  MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
  
  MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important II
  
  Course Electives:
  
  EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
  
  EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
  
  EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
  
  MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
  
  MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
  
  MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
  
  ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her
  
  
  
  
  
  MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause,
  
  GUYnocologist
  
  Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? Send this to all
  of the women you know (and men with a sense of humor) and brighten their
  day!!!... And when we have real trouble, it's a HISterectomy
• 

  under74

  Hilarious FRANNIE
• 

  Frannie Banannie

  Smart Answer #5
  
  A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
  tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket
  and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a
  beat...she said "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub".
  
  ****************************************************************************
  ***********************************
  
  Smart Answer # 4
  
  A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,
  but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a
  stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied,
  "No ma'am, they're dead".
  
  ****************************************************************************
  ********************************
  
  Smart Answer #3
  
  The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
  rolled down his window. " I've been waiting for you all day," the cop
  said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
  When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
  without a ticket.
  
  ****************************************************************************
  *********************************
  
  Smart Answer # 2
  
  A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up
  that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is
  
  right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are
  backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets
  out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands one
  of his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I
  was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
  
  ****************************************************************************
  ****************************
  
  AND NOW FOR THE #1 SMART ANSWER OF THE YEAR
  
  A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.! "Now,
  class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow!.
  I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or
  illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
  excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised
  his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
  suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
  The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence
  is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her
  head and sweetly says.......Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam
  with your other hand." >>