Serious Question

by Prisca 66 Replies latest social relationships

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  Prisca

  AS we all know the Society has very strict guidelines regarding conduct between the sexes. In the cong I grew up in, it was so small-minded that if you were single, and seen talking to a member of the opposite sex, you were presumed to be in some sort of relationship with him/her.

  Sex before marriage is out of the question, with heavy petting also looked down upon.

  Dating is a serious affair, with all onlookers expecting engagement/marriage to be the outcome. I'm sure that quite a few unhappy marriages resulted due to the heavy expectations put upon them.

  And once you were married, certain sex acts were not to be practiced, despite your own feelings about them. Now it's become a a "don't ask, don't tell" type thing, which still serves to put an air of prudishness over it.

  So my question is, for those who grew up as a Witness, or one that was in it for a long while :

  How did all of these restrictions and attitudes affect your own attitudes towards sex?

  Did it make it more difficult to establish meaningful relationships with members of the opposite sex?

  Once you started to have a sex life, did these restrictions and attitudes affect your sex life? Was your partner also affected?

  And finally,

  If you were detrimentally affected, how did you overcome or deprogramme your thinking so as to achieve a satisfying sex life?

  I know that these are personal questions*, but it is an important area of our lives, and one that I think the Society has affected in a greater measure than it ought.

  *If you don't feel comfortable posting your thoughts publically, you can email me. I would be interested in your responses.
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  thinker

  How did this affect my attitude?
  It landed me in a seventeen year abusive relationship with a man who was so hung up and unhappy with himself, that sex became repugnant to me. I was under the understanding that if you did everything right, and married someone in good standing, you would find love. That didn't work out very well.
  Did it make it more difficult to est. rel.?
  No kidding. I knew little or nothing of his true nature. He and his family made sure to hide all the bad and scary things until after we were married.
  Affect sexually?
  I am very free spirited and open. Whether with sex, or anything else. He in my opinion, is a very suppressed latent homosexual. Who by the way is remarried to a sister. I feel sorry for her. Because marriage for him is a cover for his tendencies.
  How did I deprogram?
  He left me. One of the best things that ever happened to me. I decided a long time ago, if I were to start another relationship, I would definitely live with them before I married them. This has worked out very well for me. My relationship gives new meaning to the cliche' fireworks.
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  Angharad

  I think the view that dating couples should have a permanent chaperone(sorry about the spelling), even when in a public place, has a lot to do with the fact that so many marriages in the org, end in divorce or one or both partners being unhappy.

  You can't get to know each other properly if there is always a third person hanging around (this third person usually being bored out their mind).

  I was lucky in that my parents were never that strict with me, but I had friends that who were not even allowed a telephone call to their boy/girl friend without someone else being in the room

  Edited by - angharad on 19 December 2000 11:0:15
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  larc

  I was lucky in that I was in before the terrible dating rules hit. We were encouraged to date and shop around. When I found out after I left that they had changed the rules, I thought that this was one of the worst decisions that they had ever made. Even though it was easier for us, my wife and I had a bad experience. Just before the wedding, the man I chose to perform the ceremony asked to talk to me and my bride to be. This was minutes before the wedding. He asked us if we had sex yet. We were shocked at his question and assured him that we hadn't. What if we had? He probably would have gone up in front of the congregation and cancelled the wedding That would have been a terrible thing for him to have done, but I am sure that he would have. This is especialy egregious (sp?) because they had a kinder method back then. If a couple had sex before marriage, they were put on probation until after the wedding then the probation was lifted. After all, you can't a sex before marriage once you're married.
• 

  Simon

  I think it does affect your ability to form proper relationships with others because in effect you have to pick the right person first time. If they aren't the right person you then date someone else and so on...you will quickly be labelled for doing this though.
  I also think that the constant reminders about it means that its the only thing people think about! If a brother and sister ever are on their own together then it's the only thing on their mind. Other people elsewhere are capable of being friends without jumping on each other at the slightest chance.
  I think the JW position is one extreme with the other being very loose, 'sleep with everyone', behaviour. Maybe the sensible course is somewhere between them both and exactly where depends upon each individual.
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  larc

  Simon,

  I agree, and the way you describe it is the way it once was. Too bad that the uninspired Governing Body brought so much ruination to young people's lives.
• 

  peaceloveharmony

  prisca-

  good questions!!

  i will fill you in a little on my sex life. i lost my virginity to a man who i hardly new because i just wanted to see what sex was all about! because of the society's super strict dating do's and don'ts, i kind of went overboard! but i've grown out of that behavior and have for the last 4 years been sleeping with only one man-my boyfriend. we've lived together for 3.5 years. i think growing up, i was over curious about sex because it was so taboo. and then when i started having sex--i was like what's the big deal?? it feels good and if you are not being abused then no harm right?

  i understand the fear of pregnency but if you educate your kids they can avoid pregnency. i have. i don't really have any intimacies issues. my boyfriend is great.

  i think most kids in america grow up with some wierd sex issues because this country has wierd sex issues (those damn puritans!) and jws and other strict religions just enforce these already exsisting sex issues.

  i have a brother and sister both married to jw's. their spouses were their second boy/girlfriends of their lives and both got married when they were about 21. i hope and pray that they were lucky and picked good mates but how can you know if you never are alone with them, never make out with them or sleep with them, if you are compatable until after "til death do us part" it's a little too late then! for me, it will be interesting to see how "happy" we each are with our lives in 15-25 years. this may be gross but when i my brother got married i was really worried about his wife. i was hoping that he would take to the time to learn from his wife what is pleasing to her because i can't imagine being married to someone who does nothing for you in the bedroom. since my sister is older then me by 6 years-i never really thought about her marriage and happiness until recently. i hope she is happy! i would feel so terrible if she never knew the joy and wonderful feelings a great lover can bring you.

  i don't know if i really answered your questions--i think i'm just rambling away here.

  peacelove&harmony
• 

  RedhorseWoman

  Interesting question. I was always the good, little JW girl. To me, a big thrill was when my boyfriend of 3 years (it was a long distance relationship and we got to see each every six months or so...the rest was through letter writing), finally held my hand at an assembly. When everything else is forbidden, handholding becomes a truly marvelous sensation. That is, until the talk that day is about the seriousness of handholding. We, of course, refrained from holding hands for the rest of our relationship.

  I, of course, never dated anyone outside of the "truth" and followed ALL the rules. I finally got engaged at 28 to a new brother who had been very sexually active while in the world. During our engagement, we petted, but never had sex. I felt so guilty that we went to the elders and were put on reproof. So, there I was, 28 and living on my own, engaged to be married....but forbidden to spend time alone with my fiance. Pretty weird situation.

  I also found that I would get myself in trouble because I was so totally innocent as far as sexual innuendo was concerned. I always used to wonder why people would suddenly crack up at a statement I made. I was totally oblivious.

  You may have noticed that I no longer have that problem.
• 

  waiting

  Hey Red,

  Yeah, well, I used to be shy too. I, at least, refrain from sexual inuendos.

  I was incredible in bed last night. I never once had to sit up an consult the manual. Woody Allen

  Never sleep with a man who has named his willy. Jasmine Birtles

  I just find others to say it for me.

  waiting
• 

  JAVA

  Interesting questions, Prisca. I dated while in school, and really enjoyed it. My parents studied off and on with the JWs until I was out of high school. As a result, I dated both Witnesses and non-Witnesses. After getting out of high school, I became a JW, and only dated a few Witness females. As we know, the Witnesses view dating as a means to marriage, thus the fun of dating and getting to know others was reduced for me because of the Tower's expectation.

  I married a Witness when I turned 22. We dated for about 6 months, and did some heavy petting before the marriage, but we didn't actually have sex. During the 21 year marriage, I don't believe my partner ever had an orgasm. NO KIDDING! I tried everything I could think of, read the books, you name it. During the entire marriage we never had fun with sex--she just didn't like it. Who knows if the Tower's view had anything to do with it or not?

  I was an elder when the Tower's bedroom inquisition hit the fan. I still remember giving talks during the Service Meetings about the proper type of sex between married couples. All of this from a elder who never really got it on with his spouse! Oh yes, it keeps getting better when I was on a committee.

  One of the sisters reported she had a problem--she enjoyed oral sex with her non-Witness spouse. Would you believe the other elders on the committee wanted to disfellowship her. I talked them into private reproof (arguing it was her husbands fault). I spoke with her after the meeting saying I didn't think she needed to report any more bedroom activity to the committee. I said something about this being new light, and we were still trying to sort things out.

  So there I was hearing a sister telling about the fun and joy she was having with her spouse, and we were putting her on private reproof. At the time I was also thinking how wonderful it would be to have sex with a partner who enjoyed it. There we were reproving her because of the Tower's craziness, and I'm wishing I had her so-called problem.

  My wife and I divorced after 21 years. I was no longer a Witness at this time, and shortly thereafter dated again. It was great knowing females enjoyed sex, too. I re-married, and it's wonderful having a healthy sex life.

  Does the Tower's view of dating and sex influence the happiness and mental health of Witnesses? I vote YES. I don't live in Florida, so my vote should count.

  Edited by - JAVA on 20 December 2000 16:28:27