Hey all. I haven't posted in forever and a day, but I feel like this is a great place to ask this question because of so many people who are unsure of their beliefs.
My mom was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer about four years ago. After fighting like a badass and laughing through all of the shenanigans, we lost her two days before Christmas. She had been told less then two weeks before that her liver was going to pot but they had one more chemo that could get her four to eight more months.
I was freaking devastated just thinking that she finally had an expiration date. Her doctor had always been able to find some chemo, chemo pill, or radiation that kept her going. Nonetheless, I figured, "Hey, we get another Christmas. Let's make it the best one ever. She'll get to her 60th birthday in March, too. Awesome! Maybe even one more Mothers Day." This was after our tear-filled conversation on the topic December 12th, when she was sad because "this is my last Christmas." She was dying by December 17th. They took her home on hospice December 22nd and she died December 23rd. My heart is literally in a million pieces, most of which went with her. She was my very best buddy and I wasn't ready to lose my mom in my 20s. She was only 59. My dad and she were together for 43 years, married for 41. (high school sweethearts) He is devastated. We all are. Half of it was watching her suffer through this disease just to die after such a brave effort.
Anyway, that leads me to my conundrum. I was always pretty solid in my belief in God, Jesus, and the afterlife. (I'm not a JW. I joined because my boyfriend is an unbaptized one.) Then when Mom got sick, I had to actually consider things. Where was Mom going when she was gone? Was she headed to heaven, as she staunchly believed? Mom was super religious, but in the best way that Christianity can make you. She was forgiving, loving, selfless and ALWAYS trying to make things better for everyone else. She told me that she made it her business to try to brighten everyone's day in the cancer center because she was there; she may as well bring light to those who were having a hard time. She was a patient and she was looking out for others. Mom had a heart of gold. If there is a heaven, she is SO there. I haven't met anyone more deserving of it. I like to think of the verse about whoever was last being first. Mom would be the first in line for everything.
However, when I began thinking about the afterlife and God, I realized that I didn't have any sort of proof or even really any sort of religious experience that would lead to faith. I just believed because it was what I was taught and it made sense. I knew people who had religious experiences who were sane enough that I trusted that they actually went through these things, although most people who say they have are clearly cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
The more I thought about, the more I doubted and the more skeptical I've become. It's not that I didn't want to believe. I WANT to. I love the idea of God, Jesus, and wonderful people like my mom living on. Since Mom has passed on, I find myself wanting to believe even more that there is something, just to know that she is whole and happy after the last crappy few years of no energy, being bald, and feeling sick all the time. She wanted us to have faith, not in a pushy way, but in a loving way. I want to have faith for her. I want to have faith because I want to wholeheartedly believe in God. I want to have faith because I want to see her again.
I know a lot of you guys struggle with similar thoughts, maybe some even had it brought on by the death of someone you dearly loved. For the people who have come out the other side or those who are still unsure, can you share your thoughts? Why did you decide it was all real or all fake? Why have you still not decided? Did a death bring this struggle out even more for you? Do you think that you ever "felt" a loved one after their demise and it strengthened your faith? Talking to fundamentalists about this drives me up the freaking wall. They all just say it's the devil tempting me away or I'm a bad person to doubt God's existence. Talking to sane folks is appreciated!
