Are You Dealing or Dwelling?

by pettygrudger 15 Replies latest jw friends

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  pettygrudger

  DesiB's arrival thread got me thinking (along with some kind words from Special K).

  When I first came here, I was so happy to see so many others with shared experiences and issues of the JW's, yet sad at the same time to know that there were so many. I spent alot of time here in the beginning. Even though I had been out of the JW's for almost 16 years at the time, I found the time I was spending here I was "dwelling" or going back to my own painful experiences. I wasn't really "dealing" with them. Actually, that had already been done.

  So, in the time that you've spent here - are you dealing or dwelling? The very quality of your own life probably depends on your answer.
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  Tuesday

  To be honest I think my being here is a little of both. I like posting and hearing what people have to say, I think I'm dealing with being gone fine, I don't miss being a witness at all, I don't ever think of going back. However I do think of some of my friends I left behind. So in actuality the real reason I post here is just in case one of them is lurking or something maybe I can talk to them again and help them out. Also I feel I look at things in a lighter tone which is something really lacking on the websites out there for ex-JW's, so until I create that "leaving the witnesses and laughing about it" website I'm always talking about, this is the way I contribute to the ex-JW cause.
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  iiz2cool

  When I first came I found it very helpful. Lately I feel that it is counter-productive for me to keep rehashing the negative experiences of the past. It just depresses me and makes it harder to deal with present day issues. I think it's good to learn from our painful experiences and those of others, but not to the point where it begins to interfere with our present and future quality of life.

  BTW, we missed you on the weekend Petty!!!

  Walter
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  Gopher

  When I first came here, the wounds inflicted by the organization and the separation from friends and family were still fresh. Also, I was still learning a lot about why the WTS organization operates as it does and how it controls people. Additionally, I was asking a lot of questions I had never even considered before. I had a lot to sort out!

  Now it's been about 3 years. When I post about things that happened in the past, it's to confirm to others (perhaps newer ones to this site) that what they have experienced was common to a lot of people who passed through the organization. I don't feel the hurt and anguish. I view my JW past "from a distance" now.

  The part that is tempting to dwell on is my separation from relatives still on the inside. That's the part that is hardest to get over. But the beliefs, practices and hypocrisy of the organization -- it's a part of what I experienced and it doesn't bother to me to talk or write about it. It's actually a relief to be able to come here and "get it off my chest" or share with others who have also experienced some of these same things.
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  pettygrudger

  The part that is tempting to dwell on is my separation from relatives still on the inside. That's the part that is hardest to get over. But the beliefs, practices and hypocrisy of the organization -- it's a part of what I experienced and it doesn't bother to me to talk or write about it. It's actually a relief to be able to come here and "get it off my chest" or share with others who have also experienced some of these same thing

  Very understandable. When we have loved ones that we are separated from because of this religion, it is easy to "dwell" on the negative impact of the situation.

  I have very little contact with my mother. I am "dead" to her, by her own words, because of her faith. Eventually, I also had a "funeral". A funeral for relationships that were lost (mother & siblings). I had to let my perceptions of what those relationships were supposed to be go - I had to let them die. Now, whatever scraps are left of any type of relationship - it's just become what it is. I find life is a lot easier to live when I accept what it is and buried what it was supposed to be.
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  pettygrudger

  Walter:

  BTW, we missed you on the weekend Petty!!!

  I didn't get the message you guys left - I heard the first 3 words & the rest was blank. How'd it go?
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  itsallgoodnow

  Right now, all this stuff is still a big part of who I am and what makes me unique from others, and I like being able to discuss this with people who understand where I'm coming from. I deal with Witnesses on a daily basis, so I'm not even close to closing the deal on all this BS, but what I get out of posting on this db is the opportunity to help others deal with it, too... it's something I really wanted to find a way to do once I discovered it was a cult. So, I'm dwelling, but it's not my past yet, really. and I'm dealing too.

  If it was 20 years behind me and everything, I think I'd still want to help people who are going thru it, where I can. Maybe not daily, but once in a while. I think I'd be a good therapist though, so that's the kind of thing I'm into.
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  Sunnygal41

  I once read in one of those therapy books (you all know the kind I mean) that we all have a story to tell.............this story contains all the hurts and sadness we've carried with us.............and, we continue to tell that story, til the hurt and issues are dealt with and gone.............let's face it, we've all stuffed a tremendous amount of abuse and indignity and been repressed for a long time while we were JDubs. We need to share it in an environment that's safe and caring and with others that understand.............my answer touches on the other thread on the board about whether these boards are healing or not............and, my answer is, yes. Even if we went to a therapist, they, unless they have been a cult survivor, will not be able to truly know how we feel. Coming here, I know 100% that you all do understand. You've been hurt where I've been hurt, with the same things. So, my point in regards to the title of this thread is, that I think that it is pretty normal to be in different stages of dealing and dwelling at any given point, and maybe it's not as cut and dried as moving from one stage to the other..................

  Terri
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  Sunnygal41

  If it was 20 years behind me and everything, I think I'd still want to help people who are going thru it, where I can. Maybe not daily, but once in a while. I think I'd be a good therapist though, so that's the kind of thing I'm into.

  It's all good, I totally agree with you on what you wrote, and especially the above part............I want to help others deal with it, and I want to protect others from getting into it, so they don't have to be hurt like I was.

  Terri
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  Carmel

  Having been "out" for over 45 years, there's not much left to deal with! I'm here to just be, and if I can be of any assistance to anyone about anything, great! Otherwise, it is just a pleasant repaste from the daily duties of life.

  carmel