For the first 2 years after my DF'ing my parents wouldn't talk to me or let me talk to my brothers. They started to ease up when I got over my post DF self destructive attributes. Now that I'm "Mr. Responsible" my mother wants to come over but I think it is mostly because my daughter is the only granddaughter that she can see. Of course if I came out and told her that I was an active Pagan she might act differently. I really want to open her eyes to the cult that she is in but her blinders are firmly on.
Do your parents still talk to you?
by scootergirl 39 Replies latest jw friends
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blacksheep
End, I can relate.
Wow, I was feeling really down for the last few days, part of it has to do with my JW mother and sister with whom I used to be closed pretty much shutting me out. Although it’s heart-wrenching to hear other’s similar (or worse) stories, it is somewhat helpful to know I’m not alone. Sometimes I feel like such a freak. Like no one could possibly understand the weirdness of my upbringing. And the deep emotional disappointment that the love parents have for their children can be so incredibly conditional. And that a man-made organization can brainwash them into thinking that shunning their children/family because of their religious beliefs is the right thing to do.
I’m basically DA’d (in a few blowouts years ago, I told my mom exactly what I thought of the JW beliefs: I made sure she knows it’s not “weakness” and inability to “live up” to the JW beliefs which caused me to leave--which she tried to convince me of (more like herself of). Our relationship has been hot/cold/weird since I left. She’s the kind of enabling personality that only seems really interested in people when they are needy: then she can come to the rescue. I’m not particularly needy, so she’s not particularly interested in me. Plus, I think she goes up and down with whatever the JW org “interpretation” du jour is on exactly how to treat it’s former members.
My dad’s never been a witness, but his support of it and his willingness to let his children be raised in it, quite frankly, disgusts me. He’s supported my mom fully, and I’m sure she’s given him a great story of how/why she’s managed to have very measured contact with me (on her terms, mainly). She runs the show. I think he’s just thankful to have a wife in “subjection.” Right, lol.
Anyway, my mother and I had a big blowup when I became pg without being married (with my very long-time partner). Finally, about a month before the baby was due, my JW sister (married to an elder) contacted me. Then a couple weeks later, my dad called and said he and mom want to be “part of my life,” so let bygones be bygones, etc. Mom got on the phone briefly (she was headed off to a JW meeting…)
After the afterglow of a new grandchild/baby wore off, it’s like my sister and mom were scarce again. I’m now pregnant again, and I can see them working up to the same routine. New baby, excitement. Excuse to come by (even JW’s wouldn’t really object to that, necessarily). Then almost nothing. What gets me, is when they do call me/talk to me, it’s like they mention functions they are going to (which of course, I’m not invited to); neice/nephews graduations/weddings, etc. I say basically nothing. Part of me wants to just not take their occasional calls; part of me wants to tear into them making it clear they are excluding me.
You know, I’m kind of sickened by the whole thing. I feel like somehow I’m “prostituting” myself, if you know what I mean, with the relationship. I want my children to know their grandparents, but frankly, the relationship is weird. I’m almost thinking it’s better to just cut bait. I’m not looking forward to the awkwardness of the birth of my upcoming child. I know my sister (and mother) have mentioned being at the hospital. I’m wondering WHY? They’re not really a part of my life. Although it WOULD be such a normal thing for them to be there/to want them there. I’d almost just like to exclude THEM from the whole thing. That's supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life: why mar it up with the strain of pretending my mom/sister are loving relatives? Maybe I should exclude them, now that I think of it. I'm getting these engraged feelings of late...
I want to raise my children somewhat normally. I want them to know that their arents' love for them is not conditional, certainly not conditional upon stupid religious doctrine. I want them to love and care for their family/friends and develop strong, healthy relationships. I see those goals and JW’s being mutually exclusive. I feel like you, End, that there's a "fakiness" to my mother's treatment of my son. When he comes of age, I'm sure she won't hesitate to attempt to indocrtinate him one way or another.
Ah, well. Thanks for the opportunity to vent.
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jst_me
My parents do as the are told, and do not talk to me. Except to talk to the kids. I moved up north, and my mother will call to speak to the kids, if one of them answers the phone she will not even ask to speak to me.
She came to my college graduation, which actually shocked the hell out of me. What was really cool is that during the ceremony, they called out three outstanding students and told about some of what they did at college, and I was one of them (the school I went to has an enrollment of like 30,000...so it was a BIG deal). Afterwards, everyone else was so surpised, as was I, that I had to stand up and be acknowleged like that....I asked my mom if she was suprised and she said, no I knew they would talk about you too because that is always how you have been. I have a "surragate mom" of sorts, she is the one I call to ask mom things to...and she was really struck by how my mom will just look at me with such love and sadness at the same time. I know she loves me.
I think she is shocked that all the bad things that are supposed to happen to you when you "leave jehovah" did not happen to me. I am not even what you would call christian anymore, very spiritual still but not in that organized religious way. I think that people who teach that the greatest commands are love should be ashamed that they teach women to ignore all of their maternal instincts and treat children who dare to leave this religion as if they were dead leave this god. Yeah, thats love.
My dad wrote me a long letter when I graduated. He really doesnt talk to me either. I know he is proud of me, and that is all I can really hope for at this point.
I friggin hate that religion. I do miss my folks alot.
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gsx1138
Part of the on and off relationship that some of your parents have is a way for them to still control you. It is very hard, I know, to tell your parents that if they want to see their grandkids then the JW rules are totally irrelevent. My mother calls she has to talk to me. She comes over she has to interact with me. It's basically "my house, my rules." I got enough of that when I lived with them now it's their turn. I have basically come to the point in my life where if my parents choose not to converse with me then I could care less. Of course that took years of training on my part.
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Dawn
Fortunately, my parents never shunned me after I was DF'd. In fact, hubby, the kids & I would even go out to dinner with them periodically - in a public restaurant - for all to see!! (and my dad was an elder before he passed away last year). Noone said anything to him - at least not that I know of.
If she ever found out I was attending a new church I'm sure that would all change - she would feel obligated to shun me as an apostate.
My brothers did shun me - still do for the most part. But they'll visit with me when they come in town to see mom because mom wants it.
I see my mom a couple times a week - talk to her on the phone almost every day. And yep - we still go out to eat a lot.
Since hubby and I are the only family she has here we spend a lot of time at her house taking care of things, and I give her rides to the evening meetings because she can't see well. I figure she's an adult and has the right to go if she wants to - so I help her. I guess they've (JW's) have gotten so use to me being around they don't really think about it. In fact - some of THEM even talk to me now.
I have been DF'd for a long time - maybe they just gave up on trying to win me back??
My heart really goes out to you all - I can't imagine ever turning my back on my children!!
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zanex
MY parents? TALK to ME? Pffffttttt....not in any type of meaningful way in almost 9 years...sure i get the occaisional "have u spoken to your local elder" speech bout once a year and that yearly memorial reminder...but otherwise they are so not a part of my life. The closest I have gotten to actually talking meaningful with them was when my daughter was born and dad had some "scripturally inspired drivel" I hardly remember what it was that he said. f*%@ em...I will NEVER do to my daughter what they did to me.
"pop another pill, it will all become clearer...TRUST ME"
-Z-
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Michael3000
Nah. My folks have been inDUHctrinized since 1957 (Mum) & 1958 (Pop).
I last spoke to my Dad on the phone from my hotel in St. Augustine, FL. I had extended an open invitation (to my folks and my siblings) to dinner at a family-style restaurant with me, my fiancee and my little brother (inactive). My Dad called at 9:00am the day before this dinner, to say that he "and everyone else" (meaning my JW siblings) could not go to dinner with me "in good conscience". Pissed me off - pissed off my fiancee even MORE.
After that, the only exchange I've had was a flurry of e-mails between my Mom & me - that was around the time of the UN debacle. Sad that these people have allowed themselves to be blinded - and so willingly, too.
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Hmmm
Dawn,
...and I give her rides to the evening meetings because she can't see well. I figure she's an adult and has the right to go if she wants to - so I help her.
Good for you!Hmmm
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Mamacat
My parents talk to me all the time. My dad is a disbeliever, and I am an only child, I don't think my mom would ever stop talking to me.
I just stopped going when I was 16, 10 years ago now. I was never baptized, so I am not df or da, just Sis. ***'s daughter. The brothers and sisters ask about me all the time, want my mom to bring in pictures of my kids, I see them in the store and they say hi. I guess that is really strange after reading some of your stories. I have other JW family members too, no ill will at all.
I proofread my mom's talks to this day. I am glad she has faith, I respect that fully. I just don't agree with what she has faith in. I am trying to nudge her toward seeing the troubles and inconsistancies. Currently, she is finding for me an explanation for the generation thing. Judging from her tone, this is something that bothers her too.