I still want to believe, and there have been quite a few moments in my life where things happened that caused me to look up at the sky and express thanks or privately acknowledge a hidden helping hand. However there have been more times in my life, especially looking at other people's lives and the messed up circumstances that they're in through no fault of their own, that make me question God's existance. Yesterday I called off from work, and it was a gorgous day, absolutely beautful. I was able to go to the bank and get some business taken care of, stopped and grabbed a bite to eat, sun was shining like the Bob Marley song, beautiful women everywhere, sighhhhh, and just to be off of work as I need a vacation and yesterday's call-off turned out to be a mental health day. The night ended with Floyd Mayweather highlights. Twas a good day. However...........
On my way home I stopped at a light and saw a young man with a physical condition, a physical retardation that I don't believe to have ever have seen before. He looked like a create-a-player from Madden 04" that went wrong. Both his feet were facing opposite directions like one was going northeast, the other northwest. His hips were dang near where his upper back was, and his groin was likewise near his chest. He was walking down the street and I thought to myself, "thank God I'm not............." which was selfish of me. Then I thought cynically, "Oh yeah, God is love alright." He reminded me of a photo manipulation that depicted a two legged elephant. It was one of those things that just messed me up yesterday for a brief moment.
Later on I caught the latter end of a film about Rwanda with John Hurt yesterday on IFC, and seeing the way people were slaughtered, and the indifference on the part of the Clinton administration was another one of those God questioning moments. At one point in the film John Hurt's character which I believe was based on an actual person, stated that God was right there amongst the people. Was thinking to myself, "if you say so bruh." To be fair to God, the actions and inactions during that whole affair can be directly attributed to humans, but the situation didn't exactly make God look great either. In general, situations like Rwanda, Darfur, Bosnia, or natural disasters that just indiscriminately destroy people's lives, make it easy to loose faith in a God.
Then there's this religion known as Jehovah's Witnesses and even more so the Watchtower Bible & Tract Society......................nothing else needs said as to why one would lose complete faith in God and his existance.