Hello everyone! I'm new here, so I thought I'd start with an introduction and summary of my life, for the most part. I have a tendancy to ramble ridiculously, so bear with me :) And this will be all over the place as thoughts take over the keyboard.
I was born a 5th generation JW. I never really "felt" it, but was book smart about it. My grandma taught me SO much about the Bible and JW doctrine. I had all the Bible book names memorized at 3 or 4, I knew all of the apostles, I could recite dozens of scriptures word-for-word, and we played door-to-door on a daily basis. Yeah, can you say deep??! Even with all of that brainwashing, nothing ever clicked. I just went through the motions and told everyone what they wanted to hear. Funny, now that I think about it, no wonder I started running away from home at 3!
I was always rebellious. No matter what I did, I wasn't good enough for my parents. My grandparents praised me until no end, but my parents were another story. My mom always made sure to tell me about how my dad called the wedding off the night before because he found out she didn't want kids. She caved and said she does, and they were married in the Hall the following day. She would let me know that she didn't want kids, and then ended up with ME as a firstborn...independent, loving, and smart to boot! Who would WANT a child like that?! Anyways, my dad wasn't really around. Eventually it all came down to showing off. My dad was making really good money, we had a nice house, nothing fancy. But my mom decided she needed to have the CO and DO stay with us EVERY SINGLE TIME THEY CAME! Plus, we had company over pretty much every weekend. I didn't mind the company, but when I was about 7 or 8 was when the "when are you getting baptized" questions started flooding in. I started struggling in school, depression became a huge part of my life. The attention was only on me when it was that question, otherwise it was about where we were going to book a private room at a fancy restaraunt, who needs another drink, how many people would be going, who needs another drink, let's buy hundreds of dollars worth of mink clothing and accessories, drink refill anyone (?), I'm tired of this room, let's remodel it again even though we JUSt remodeled 3 months ago, can you get me another drink? Yeah, this was constant.
Anyways, the summer I turned 12 I started smoking. I had a friend that lived a mile away, so I'd just say I was going outside to play and book it to her house. We lived in the middle of the woods in the middle of nowhere. After smoking, it just got worse. I had 3 friends in just a couple of years die, one of whom was my best friend since birth, another was my close friend from about 5 years old. My mom had my sister when I was 4, then was surprised to have my brother just before I turned 12. She figured since she didn't want kids and knew how much I loved people in general, that she would just leave him with me. So she picked up a catering job, made her own business catering to the rich who were too busy to cook, and called me my brother's "other mom". Yeah. In a way, I'm glad it happened because I confirmed that I want children...for joy, and to show that children can have a happy childhood. Also, at the time my "boy" best friend died, my "girl" best friend and her family were visiting us. They lived about 2000 miles away and we normally went there since it's where my mom's side of the family lives. Well we were all having a great time. Then I wasn't allowed to talk to my best friend anymore. One died, and one I wasn't allowed to write or call like we did constantly. 14 years later I found out why and we have reconnected again, closer than ever for the past 3 years.
Between all the parties they threw, booze they consumed (seriously I don't know how the liquor companies keep up with them), money they blew, and friendships they destroyed, I can see how they didn't have time for us. They took us on vacations at least once per year, we've been all over the States, Mexico, and Canada. Sure, that was educational, but I only ever asked for one thing: a picnic. A picnic in our back yard. Instead, they would call up some friends, tell them not to worry about the bill, and find a fancy place to eat!
Finally my dad came up to me when I was about to turn 17. He asked me why I'm not baptized. I told him that I don't want to, I'm not ready. He told me that I better get baptized at the next assembly, that I will do exactly as he says or he will make my life a living hell (dead serious those were his words). So I did. He won that one. Within 2 months I lost my virginity to a guy 10 years older than me. Daddy issues, anyone? 3 months after that, everyone found out. My dad tried scaring his info out of me, but I wasnt' going to do it. (In case no one has noticed, he has severe control issues.) I met the guy while taking college courses in lew of my high school classes my junior and senior year, so my dad pulled me out of college. I was only allowed to go to the 2 classes that I needed for credits to get my diploma after I was found skipping school (which I did almost daily for almost 2 years). Either my dad or my grandma would bring me to school, sit in front of the classroom door and wait. Yeah, no joking. I got strep throat one day and my dad was the only one home. He took me to the Dr and they said to go home and rest and take lots of fluids (I got strep at least 6 times every winter, so it wasn't new). I went home, went to my room, changed into pajamas, and went to lay down. My dad comes pounding on my door to tell me to go wash the windows outside (we had a 2 story house, I am TERRIFIED of heights, and I only ever had to wash the inside, but not even that because of my mom's OCD). I told him that I was going to bed. He grabbed the door key, unlocked the door and told me that what I was wearing isn't suitable to wash windows. I told him again that I have strep and I'm going to bed. He grabbed me by my throat and I blacked out. I don't know how long or how I ended up on the floor. But I came to and I was flat on my back on the floor with him straddle-standing over me. He still had me by the throat with my head off the floor. He told me that I will do as he says or there will be consequences. I told him I hurt and I'm sick, the nurse said to rest. He stepped over me, grabbed me by the hair, dragged me through my room, down the hallway, through the kitchen, through the dining room,and to the front door where he picked me up by the hair and threw my to the coat rack. I grabbed my knees and thought I was dead. He then grabbed me by the throat again and picked me up by it, he said that he wishes he could snap my neck and kill me right now. I begged him to just do it. He opened his hand and threw me down and walked away. An hour later my grandma (who lived on the first floor and was home, but denies it) drove me to my class at school. I walked in and my best of friends looked at me and grabbed me. Somehow they just knew. They saw the hand print, they saw my hair, and the red, swollen eyes were kind of a giveaway. I graduated high school 3 months later, within 10 days, my dad shipped me out to another state to live with my other grandma. I didn't know I was being kicked out. I was told 2 weeks to help my great grandma move. Yeah, called to go home for just a little bit to see my brother, I was told I'm not welcome in "his house with his children". Pretty much the end.
My dad is an elder (you can sure tell, huh?), my grandpa was the PO, my grandma was a regular auxillary pioneer, my mom would auxillary 2-3 times per year (when she felt she could put the booze down long enough during the day), my other grandma was a pioneer for a couple decades and is now just a reg aux, my uncles and aunts all reg pioneered, my great grandparents were zone overseers (before it was changed to CO) for a long time, and it just keeps going.
Sorry this is so long. I'm not sure what else to add. This was really really really hard to write, but that is my view of the JWs. Controlling, hurtful, and ready to throw you away in an instant. I'm so happy to have found this place. I have major issues with friends, I seem to pick the worst ones (minus my bff) and get royally screwed in the end. I just went through a whole clean up of "friends" when I found their true colors. I have left my Mormon faith behind (oh yeah, did I mention I got roped into LDS?? Yeah, it was quick...they got me with a couple of hot missionaries and some happy thoughts. I just don't follow it anymore since I don't appreciate being told exactly what I can and cannot do), but that didn't end many friendships, they weren't therein the first place. Anyways, my family has completely disowned me. My mom's mom was ok with me being DF'd when I was kicked out and then left her house 3 weeks after being shipped to her, but when I told her I went Mormon, that was the end. The only family that talked to me was done. So here I am, feeling a bit like Fezzik from Princess Bride, friendless, brainless, hopeless. Well, ok, not hopeless. :)
Now about me these days: I have slowly just walked away from the Mormon religion. I do like some of their beliefs, but I'm just not digging religion anymore. I am married to a guy who is as lazy as they come, and we've been married for 6 years, so I put up with it. We have 2 kids (almost 3 and almost 5), that are the light of my life...and sometimes the dark too haha. I love them though and tell them constantly (they roll their eyes now when I yell their name along with "Guess what???! I love yoU!"). I am happy with where I am right now. It's going to be hard the rest of the day thinking about all the things I didn't have room to write down here, but I'm glad I've gone through what I have. I know there will be something great to come of it. Even if it's to help my kids through their lives as it comes, then so be it. Thank you all for reading this insanely long intro. Told you I ramble I hope to get to know you all and find encouragement, hopefully I can do the same for others.