Seeking support during confusing and stressful 'cognitive dissonance'

by LHS123 32 Replies latest jw friends

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  LHS123

  sorry for the long post but I need help. Ive been a JW for 20 years - still active and attending meetings, baptised at 18, I have recently become very dissillusioned. A few reasons: ill treatment of my kids by a prominent 'assembly speaker' elder, then my son left the truth at 15 (not baptised) and was 'dropped' instantly, despite this community having been his whole life for 15 years. He subsequently told me (after counselling) that the way we restricted his associations and naturally ability to make friends during his childhood really effected him emotionally and mentally, leaving him virtually friendless - he is now 'off the rails' but lovely and good hearted but I can't help thinking we caused him a lot of issues.

  I am also disturbed by reports of child abuse, cover ups, the charity commission investigation in UK.

  Disfellowshipping and shunning, especially among young ones - I couldn't get out of my head what would have happened if my son had been baptised, what kind of mess would we be in then? What if my daughter gets dfd - I could never, ever cut off all contact with her. I hate the negative messages from WT telling family not to even EMAIL their df'd kids!?!?!? I had one sister at an assembly tell me with pride (when discussing my son's rebellion) "I haven't spoken to my son in 30 years" WHAT? is that a good thing? I firmly believe that a lot of kids go through a hormone fuelled, confusing few years and the thought that during this time some of them can get completely cut off from their community and family is really upsetting.

  Underneath all of this is the belief I have probably held for the last 20 years that Jehovah will not destroy everyone not a JW, but I have internalised this 'leaving it with Jehovah' and trusting he will read hearts in the time of the end. However recently the derogatory comments from the platform and answers in the WT about 'wordly' people, irritate me more and more. Also a brother recently gave a PT in our hall categorically saying children of unbelievers will die at Armageddon! In the same week, there was news about killing of more than 100 children being killed in a terrorist attack in Pakistan, the same brother used that news event for a ministry meeting- encouraging us to find people who are wondering what is going on in the world. I was like 'can no-one else see the irony? - we find people who are upset about children dying only to tell them soon God will soon kill millions of them??!?!?'. Also, I've always found the birthday reasoning really hard to swallow and defend, getting harder now I have young nieces asking 'why doesnt auntie celebrate birthdays' , my sons 16th coming up (out of the truth) and my new baby girl turning 2 soon. Anyway, all that and niggles like the negative JWTV lecture on higher education. etc etc. cliques and gossip....All together my faith is in tatters.

  I still believe in God/Jehovah, creation (although don't dismiss the use of evolutionary processes during it) and in Jesus teachings, the gospels are giving me comfort. I hope that Jehovah God will one day put an end to suffering. But I am not sure anymore if this organisation really has Jehovah's spirit and can be the only truth? I am really confused and extremely stressed. Jwfacts.com has opend my eyes further to scandals etc and cover up, I can't stop reading it but then I have this nagging doubt - am i reading apostate literature from Satan? If it isn't the truth then I've given up career opportunities, a university place, we have no financial security or pension provision (husband is nearly 50!), I've distanced myself from my loving and wonderful but 'worldly' family, I've killed off friendships with 'worldly' people and for what in return? -Some nice people who are too busy knocking on empty doors to have any time for you, or judgemental, critical and back biting people who don't want to have anything to do with you because your family is not good enough. I've endured abuse in my relationship, because Jehovah wanted me to be submissive and us to stay together.... - now after all this I've just sent my 14 year old daughter down the same route by giving into her request to get baptised. I am in a mess. Please - any advice of how to deal with this horrible 'limbo' that I am in one way or another. I am torn between 'keep going for the sake of the family, but don't do anything you can't handle (eg. lots of ministry), or to go inactive. Maybe take a month off and see how I feel at the end of it? What do you think?
  
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  Ignoranceisbliss

  Wow. All of your issues with this Religion are almost the same as mine. I am in a very similar situation except that my kids are very young. I often wonder if I would be better off clueless and happy in this religion. Hence my name. In reality though knowing the facts is definitly a good thing. I know that I have to tear off the bandaid and leave the religion at some point but the reality is that it will be an incredibly painful process to go through. It only gets harder. I am a year in and still faking it and it is very difficult to pull off. Take your time and make calculated decisions. Good luck!
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  Witness My Fury

  It's a process and it takes time. The only real advice is to do the research required to make sure.

  Some leave the JWs and live for decades still believing it all and feeling guilty and worthless as a result, if they had done the research and found out it's all lies they could at least have enjoyed their time a whole lot more.

  To cut to the chase here, it is a cult. As hard as that word is to hear, there is no doubt about it once you do the research honestly. Once you realise you have been duped for your whole life it will have emotional consequences that can take years to get past, but boy the freedom is awesome and so worth the effort to obtain!

  Take it slow and double check. Avoid speaking to others about what you find as there are obvious consequences for doing so without care.

  You should certainly postpone / avoid your daughter getting baptised before 18 (if at all). You know the possible ramifications for young teens getting baptised then getting into difficulty, so you have a right to say no until she is 18. Hopefully by then she will not want to at all.

  Yes you need to read read read. Take your time, it is worth it.

  A basic suggested reading list for exiting:

  Combating Cult Mind Control - Steven Hassan

  Crisis of Conscience - Ray Franz

  The Bible Unearthed - Israel Finklestein

  jwfacts.com
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  EdenOne

  LHS123, welcome to this forum.

  Believe me, we feel your pain and distress. Many of us have experienced, or are still going through, the same kind of realization; that this Organization known as Watchtower / Jehovah's Witnesses has nothing to do with God. Depending on how much of your life you have invested into serving this organization and its leadership's doctrinal whims, your awakening to what we usually call here "the truth about the truth" (TTATT) can be emotionally devastating. Many of us have asked: "OMG what have I done with my life? And my children's lives?" This is to say, you're not alone and here you'll find support.

  You'll find that each person's mileage will vary. Some have completely lost their faith in God / Jehovah and Jesus, in various degrees. Some still find ways to salvage their belief and go on searching for meaning and purpose and comfort in another religion. Some are just happy to keep a personal relationship with Jehovah, reasoning that it's not his fault that this organization has become hopelessly corrupted. We all go through various stages of anger towards this organization and its leadership, because we have been fooled, and who enjoys that?

  You must be aware that, as per Jehovah's Witnesses doctrine as dictated by the Governing Body, this website and JWFacts.com are indeed apostate websites. Yes, it's about websites like this that they're so vitriolic about. However, that is only true if you accept their definition of "apostate". They will have the Witnesses believe that departing from the teachings of the Governing Body is apostasy against the God of the Bible, when, in reality, it is THEM who are the veritable apostates, because they teach made-up doctrines as if they have biblical support, when they only do with the Scriptures what other religions have done for millennia - twist them for their own purposes of dominating over others. The Governing Body demonizes apostates because that's the way propaganda works - when you dehumanize your enemy, you stop seeing him as a human being, and so it's easy to create feelings of fear and abhorrence towards them; this has one sole purpose: That the sincere, gullible Witness who blindly nods to whatever the Governing Body says never gets in contact with what those who left have to say about the Watchtower Society. By controlling the information, they control what their members know, and manipulate how they think. But the internet is a game changer. And they are right about fearing the voice of dissenters. The Watchtower has more skeletons on their closets than a mass grave in a war zone. Take your time to do unbiased research and you'll easily come to that conclusion. The vilified "apostates" are simply people like you, who once were indoctrinated and at some point woke up to the hard reality that they've been captured by a high control cult who sold them bogus dreams in exchange for their servitude.

  Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life. Despite the anger and confusion and fear, it will get better at some point in the future.

  Eden
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  Freesoul

  All ex jws go through a range of emotions you are describing, so we all feel your pain.

  You do not have to make any decisions right away, but I figured out that we were in a cult after I read "Crisis of Conscience" my husband stopped going to meeting immediately, but I felt that I would keep going to meetings and see how things went. I still have family in the JW's and did not want to get DF'd. When I was at the meetings, I would look up the scriptures that were quoted and read them in context, it got to the stage that I would get so angry because I could see they were twisting scriptures to suit whatever they wanted to teach.

  My advice is to give yourself some time and research, research research, you will get to the truth. The JW's teaching will fall like a pack of cards once it has been put to the test.

  You will go through a lot of emotions just like all of us here have, I left 25 years ago and still feel that I will never be normal. Because we were in a cult, there are a lot of hooks that are in our mind and we have to set free, e.g.; I still can't put a xmas tree in my house, although I know there is nothing wrong with it. I believe all ex jw's should have some type of therapy, although not all counsellors know how to help us.

  But be very careful about your daughter because if she gets baptised she will feel that she will have to shun her own mother, I have a friend who were DF'd and she decided to get reinstated to that her children would talk to her again.

  Everyone has to decide which is the best way they want to leave for themselves, but if you faded slowly you will have time to make friends with people that are not JW's. So the transitions won't be so traumatic.

  Welcome to the rest of your life, "The truth will set your Free"!!!!!!
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  wheelwithinwheel

  
  

  Sorry to hear about you situation LHS

  Keep in mind that truth does not change and cannot be challenged. ‘Real truth’ that is. Think about it. So keep reading anything you feel inclined to read. If “the truth” is ‘real truth’ it will stand up to any challenge, including apostate ideas. The fact that the GB forbids reading “apostate literature” and is against pursuing education is actually a waving red flag.

  Reciprocate the love of your loving and wonderful but 'worldly' family. And keep reading. Cultivate friendships with 'worldly' people. There are great people out there who God isn’t going to destroy. And keep reading. Look out for your kids. Love them. They are your most precious possession. And keep reading.

  Don’t take a month off cold turkey. But keep reading. Begin missing meetings and slow your service. Keep reading and you will eventually understand more and more of TTATT. It will take time, lots of time. Share your experience here. Take things slow. Its called fading. Take your time to think about how to do what you need to do. There is no rush. Armageddon isn’t coming tomorrow.

  The other option is ripping the Band-Aid off. Many regret having taken drastic measures too quickly. Unfortunately there isn’t often a ‘take 2’ option.

  Take care.

  “Wheels” – from a family completely destroyed by “the truth” with a mother who ruined her mental health following the WT’s disfellowshipping policy.
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  DesirousOfChange

  I was right where you are just a couple years ago. Your story brings up such deep emotions. I remember having to come to terms -- that is, have to accept the "real" Truth -- TTATT. It was agonizing to realize I had been caught up in a LIE for decades. The best years of my life were stolen or wasted.

  The surge of new members here (like you) shows me that as they try to tighten their grip on people, many more are breaking free and slipping out of their grasp.

  Please try to change your daughter's mind about baptism. Tell her there are some (private) thinks going on that requires that you both "wait on Jehovah" to fix or explain. (The "wait on Jehovah" line is hard to argue against and it's can't be construed as "apostate" thinking.)

  It's an emotional roller coaster.

  Brace yourself for one hell of a ride!

  Visit here often. Many of us have walked miles down the path you have just started on.

  Doc
  
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  ABibleStudent

  Welcome LHS123, Have you watched this video by Steven Hassan: Strategic Interactive Approach explained 2003 (1:23:23)? It may provide answers to a lot of your questions.

  If the "Truth" is the truth, why does it change. Shouldn't people be able to independently research and discussed the "Truth" without being afraid like the Bereans in Acts 17:11?

  Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

  Rober
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  ToesUp

  Welcome LHS123. What you are going through is something we all experienced here. It is overwhelming. We have been out for 2+ years. It get's better everyday.

  The best advise I can give you is take one day at a time and don't rush things. DON'T and I mean DON'T trust anyone JW with what you know. Most will go to the Elders, thinking that they are helping you (snatching you from the fire). This is a mistake. If you need to vent, come on here and communicate with us. We have all had different journeys but the ultimate outcome has been the same. Escape (mentally and physically)!

  Don't let your daughter get baptized. She is too young and now that you know what you know (TTATT), you have to do your best to get her out too.

  This is a lot to deal with but keep researching and reading old posts. It's amazing the things we have learned over the years. The hypocrisy and double standards are unbelievable. We left due to the lack of love, hypocrisy and abuse of members/family. Once we left we learned TTATT. There is no turning back and we will never return.

  We also observed the abuse some of the Elders laid upon one of our children. It's no wonder the JW youth decide to jump ship once they turn 18 (or sooner).

  Do not write off non JW's. There are some very nice/kind people out there. They are not all wicked and unloving. We have been taught all our lives that anything non JW is a wicked sin. The only wicked sin I ever committed was raising my children in an unloving cult.

  If you haven't read Crisis of Conscience by Ray Franz, I would suggest you do so. It's an eye opener.

  We are all here for you. Never stop learning and researching. You will be amazed at what you find!

  Keep us posted on your progress.
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  Xanthippe

  Hi LHS123. I know this is difficult just take a deep breath. You are an open- minded person who really cares about others. Like you I grew up in this religion, I'm in the UK too, pioneered because I thought I was saving lives. Sorry I know this is hard but it isn't the 'truth' just one of many thousands of religions.

  Take your time don't do anything in a hurry. Just keep reading and keep venting here if it helps you. Welcome to the rest of your life.