The Program Within

by Lady Lee 42 Replies latest members private

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  Lady Lee

  Leaving the JWs is a huge step towards freedom. People must overcome many obstacles on their road to freedom. Some of the obstacles are obvious like the practice of shunning and the impact it has on the person. Other issues such as the loss of a way of life, family, community and belief system can leave a person feeling lost and adrift.

  Many people mistakenly believe that after leaving and dealing with the initial impact of the losses, that they then are free of the effects of living in a cult. But cult life goes deep. Deeper than most people realize.

  Many people struggle with adopting a new belief system. Beliefs in God and religion are starters. But beliefs in the self and the world are important to examine too.

  After years of being told that anyone who leaves the organization is doomed to a life of a sinner people that leave need to closely examine how they define themsleves. Labels placed on us can include, drunk, alcoholic, adulterer, liar, theif, apostate, unrepentant sinner, bad associate, etc. Too often we continue to carry those labels and use them to define who we are now that we are no longer JWs. As long as we continue to define ourselves by these WT imposed labels, we continue to be under their control.

  But I suspect the same can be true for the words we use to talk about events in our present lives. We may find that we continue to define our experiences based on how the WTS defined those experiences. Emotionally we may react in similar ways to certain experiences and it may seem only appropriate to use similar words. But free-ing ourselves of cult influence means finding new ways to define our experiences.
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  Lady Lee

  One situation that comes to mind here is the banning of some posters. Our most easily identifiable common experience and the most emotionally laden may be that of disfellowshipping. On a non-jw board if we were banned from posting we could expect to have a similar emotional reaction and we may make the connection between the shunning practices of the JWs. But on the other board we may be less likely to make the connection to the definition of disfellowshipping as practiced by the JWs.

  Other similar triggering experiences that may elicit similar reactions might be:

  • Getting fired from a job
  • Getting the silent treatment from a family member, friend, or co-worker
  • Ending a relationship

  We may react in a similar fashion but we wouldn?t necessarily use the WT definitions to express the situation and reactions.

  But here where we know people will understand our common experiences we may tend to define all our experiences and emotional reactions based on WT definitions. We are familiar with them. Sometimes we may not have the real world definitions to be able to redefine them. But doing so is essential to breaking free of the cultic controls and learning to live in the real world.

  I read a while ago, and I forget where, that using the WT words/definitions acts like a trigger magnifying the responses to their controls. This makes sense to me. They programmed the words. They programmed the fears. They programmed a version of reality that gave them control over us. If cultic language is a mind control mechanism then continuing to use their words for our reactions and experiences keeps us firmly in their grips.

  As much as possible I try not to use JW loaded language. Even when talking to active JWs I have found that using their words for things tends to stop them from thinking (which it is exactly what it is supposed to do). So if we are trying to break free of their controls it makes sense that we stop using their words for things to describe our real world experiences. And I think we need to do that with how we define our present experiences here.

  Now that may be confusing but let me explain. The WTS has disfellowshipped me. That is how they see me. That is the past experience and how they treat me most probably won?t change. But if for some reason people here chose to ban me for some reason, then stating that I am Dfed from the board keeps me under WTS influence. I continue to define my experience by WT defintions. Doing this will only magnify my emotional reactions to the situation.

  For those of us who are shunned by active JWs, few of us ever got an opportunity to be heard about what had happened. And for some kind of closure to happen it is essential that we find some way to express our feelings. The WTS society denies this.

  Then something happens here and we are banned from posting for a while. And we react to it. But often our reactions may be magnified because we never got to express our feelings about the WT banning. So the present not only holds the feelings for the present situation but also may hold the feelings from the past. And since we were not allowed to complain about the original situation we may find that having an opportunity here to discuss our feelings we may find that our anger for both the past and present situation is poured out on the present situation. This may result in some resolution of the present situation but does nothing to deal with the original hurt.

  People may find that this kind of experience occurrs frequently. Or that their reactions are getting worse. Until the original hurt is resolved it can become one of those experiences that relives itself until real resolution to the original hurt is found.

  And sadly because for so many of us the original hurt, shunning, is an on-going problem in our lives it becomes difficult to get resolution.
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  Lady Lee

  A first step towards resolution would be to find other ways to define our present experiences. This might be to use the common worldly terms for such actions.

  When possible it would be helpful to express to JWs how we feel about the shunning practices. When I left I was under orders to not speak to any JWs that I met. Since the WTS no longer has any authority over me I speak to whom I like ? when I like. No subject is taboo for me. And I do not feel under compulsion to warn them that I was DFed although I will tell them if asked directly.

  I have written a recovery letter to my mother to let her know how I feel. This was for MY healing and was never sent. Occassionally I take it out and read it. In my case I have made the decision to have no contact with her. She was abusive my entire life and has not changed. For ME this is a health decision. You will need to examine the pros and cons of your own situation regarding maintaining contact with active JW family members.

  I also needed to examine my beliefs about myself and how I was labeled. In my case it was "adultress." For me that act was an act of freedom. Without it he would still feel as if he had some ownership of me (or at least he would have until he had some evidence to use against me). While in normal circumstances I believe that adultery is wrong, I can deal with my actions and reasons and do not label myself with this anymore.

  I have learned to communicate without using all those thought-stopping phrases. In fact this is the only place I use them. Even when speaking to JWs I refuse to use the terms as much as possible. Even something as small as saying the word church instead of KH can force them to think which is what I want them to do when I speak to them.

  When triggered by some old past experience I sit down and try to separate the two experiences even though the reactions may be the same. Sometimes it is difficult but if I don?t I wind up over-reacting to the present situation

  Resolution is essential for us to move on. But we also need to find the triggers and deal with them. Using language that is not cult related can help
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  jgnat

  Excellent topic, Lady Lee. And so true. I am excising Worldlly from my vocabulary. I am switching to Normal. Funny, how liberating the switch has been.
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  Lady Lee

  exactly the point jg.

  It is those little things we rarely think of that stay within us sometimes for years that keeps us chained under their control
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  concerned mama

  Fascinating post, Lady Lee.

  I'm not, not ever have been JW, but the JW buzz words have forced themselves into my brain through this forum. I have discoved in real life that when I meet one of the few JWs that I know , and one of theose words pops out, this ordinarily really nice person has put his JW hat on and his/her mind has shut.

  I, too, have decided that I am "normal" as opposed to "worldly" (thank you, Minimus)
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  Phantom Stranger

  Wonderfully said, LL.

  Leaving the JWs is a huge opportunity to become consciously responsible for one's belief system, and for one's actions and reactions. Unfortunately, it's hard work, and instead, many of us struggle with blaming others for our own emotional reactions and associated responses.

  For years, going into a room with chairs in rows and a man up front in a suit brought up the feeling of going to meetings. Knocking on a door of someone I don't know still brings up the emotional reaction associated with field service. Years ago as a volunteer, I was once in the position of signing up people for a great training program that I knew was hugely valuable - but once I was expected to sign people up, my field-service feelings came up so strongly that I failed utterly. (It's worth noting that before I was expected to do so as a volunteer, and after, I signed up many people - once the expectation was gone, the feeling was gone...)

  For years, I paid some pretty big prices, missed some big opportunities, because I avoided situations that reminded me of being a JW. It wasn't until I started working directly on being conscious of how I feel, why I feel that way, and learning tools and techniques for managing my emotions, that I started to realize those opportunities.
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  concerned mama

  .......many of us struggle with blaming others for our own emotional reactions and associated responses.

  Interesting comment, Phantom. One of my friends is a forensic psychologist. He is quite outspoken on the subject of JWs based on his years of experience. He says that the JWs he has had contact with have huge problems with taking responsibility for their own actions and dealing with reality. Although he has deals mostly with a troubled element of society, he feels strongly that this religion/cult is a huge factor in the development of this behavior.
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  Lady Lee

  Concerned Mama isn't it amazing how the vocabulary sneaks into our usage. If you, someone who has never been a JW, finds that it has snuck up on you then I would imagine it is so much stronger in those of us who were saturated in it for years.

  Talk about living in an unreal world. Typing this I have to wonder how much that sense of being in an unreal world continues by our presence here, especially when our only reason for being here is the social element and we choose not to have that in the real world.

  I was doing some reading last night about one aspect of the language control - black and white thinking. It seems that one effect of this black and white thinking is the inability to accept responsibitity. Interesting comments from your friend

  Phantom

  Yes it is hard work that as you say must be done consciously. So much of mind control assaults the unconscious. If we wait for it to drift away we will be under its influence for a very long time.
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  Phantom Stranger

  Since I tend to not believe in "mind control", and since I was raised in the WTS, I tend to think of it as the learned responses, attitudes, and reactions that we all learn as children - 95% by the time we are 16 years old! Regardless of our religious upbringing, everyone has these programs from childhood - some of them serve us and some of them are artificially limiting. Identifying what the limiting ones are, and creating new ones to replace/compete, so as to be as effective as possible in our lives, is what I'm talking about. Yes, growing up a JW gives you a lot more limiting programmed beliefs than average, but you'd still have some, raised JW or not. The thing is, they didn't program us - we did! Not good or bad, but we're the ones that originally made the decision (bad data or no, we still decided to go along), so we're the only ones that can unmake it - no one can do it for us.

  I beleive that those who convert to the WTS as adults have some important need being filled - acceptance, structure, or a promise of escape from a life in this system that one has decided is filled with pain and suffering. In my opinion, it's a lousy way to address those needs. That's why I think that the only time Witnesses choose consciously to leave is after they've grown into a position of self-worth that lets them examine the data objectively, and determine if their benefits are really worth the prices they are paying. If one feels that the WTS is the only way they will ever feel accepted, deserving, or hopeful, we can trot all the scnadals we want out there, and they won't take hold.

  "Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal."

  "You can sway one thousand men by appealing to their prejudices faster than you can convince one man by logic." R. A. Heinlein