For some background - I studied on & off as a child with a Jehovah's Witness who has been patiently working on lots of our family for more than a decade and never gave up on any of us. As a middle-schooler and a highschooler, my love for Jehovah and any association with my childhoood bible teacher... faded. Disappeared. I was wrapped up in myself, looks, materialistic things, boy crazy and the usual wordly stuff. My family had the truth in their heart, but it was hard to sacrifice things and fully commit for them.
I had my first serious boyfriend the last 2 years of highschool. He was the sweetest, most innocent, and charming boy. Well, he was for just a year. He quickly changed and evolved into a monster.
So I know parents teach you sex before marriage is bad, but I had thought it was because we are too young to be sexual and for love/heartbreak. I had no idea it was rooted from God's commandment about sex out of wedlock and other sexually immoral stuff. So no big deal, here I am as a 16 year old starting to have sex. This relationship was TOXIC and unhealthy. We were on and off, always fighting. Soon, he began cheating and even physically abusing me. At 18, I was pregnant. I went through the pregnancy alone.
It wasnt until the 8000th time I was "done" with my boyfriend and father of my child, that I seeked Jehovah in desperate prayer. I was 20 years old, packing my bags and boxes moving out of his family's house again, with a 1 year old baby. Finally, I did feel defeated. I felt really sick and tired this time. I felt finished with the chances and broken promises. I felt pathetic sitting in my parent's home, in a spare office room, with boxes everywhere and raggedy spare blankets on floor and a child on my breast while Im crying in the dark in middle of the room floor. I tried and tried and it just didnt work out. I was done being made a fool.
I cried, I sobbed, I bawled and wailed. I couldnt breathe, I was grunting, and moaning and screaming through tears. I prayed for the first time in years. There was the guilt I had for coming to God when I had abandoned him and only come to him because of my heartbreak that Ive caused myself. Well, I begged for him to help me be done and move on. I begged him to help me be strong. I begged him to resist and to find a reason to live and keep going. I begged Him to help me find motivation, to find a job to support myself and my child, to get on my feet so I dont have to go back and ask for any help from anyone. I begged Him to take away my pain. One moment I am begging to die so I cant feel the hurt or think or remember. The next moment I was begging for strength and comfort so I can endure for mt child and be the mother my child deserves. I knew I needed help because without His strength an comfort, I'd be neglecting my child due to my depression. I didnt want that. I attended memorial and slowly started attending meetings and an assembly. It was hard, but I gave it a try. Experiencing it as an adult was foreign to me. I re-learned about Jehovah and in depth of his ways. I was completely reintroduced. Everything I learned made sense and was in perfect harmony. So I didnt doubt. I wasnt scared off.
Well, not long after I took back my child's father. He even took me to meetings and picked me up from them. But he didnt want to go along. Really, it was Satan seeing me trying to serve Jehovah and trying to distract me with my biggest weakness, my love for my child's father. I tried to stop celebrating, but it was hard t when he and his family are very festive in holidays and I was with them every day. He didnt respect that I didnt want to move back in with him, stay the night together at eachother's houses or be intimate until we get married. It seemed as if he perhaps didnt want to, or see that as our future. I doubted any of it would happen. I didnt know what I was doing and sticking around for. I left. I tried really hard to put Jehovah first, instead of him or my feelings. I was proud I refused to live-in together, spend the night together and have sexual relations together unless we are married. It was very hard, but I stuck with it.
Nobody ever made me feel small or guilty about being a 20 year old with a child out of wedlock. Not ever. They all welcomed me and my child. They were warm, loving and supportive. It was my own guilt. I started to learn of God'S commandments, learning how to think how he thought and feel how he feels. I started to view things in his ways. I learned about Him, his qualities, and the Bible helped me get to know him and his people and our Earth's past, present and future. I drew closer to Him in prayers. He became my friend and family. I now had a personal relationship with Him. It was hurting Him that hurt me. I felt guilt so I repented for having sexual relationship and a child of wedlock I expressed joy and gratitude for having Him in my life now. I was sorry, even though I had not know Him completely or his standards yet. I was still sorry.
Ending of 2015, I officially cut him out of my life. There was no changes or improvement in our relationship. I was going one way and he was remaining in another. I wanted to serve Jehovah and be spiritual, he did not. I wanted to be married and living on our own with our own little family, he did not. I wanted to a monogamous relationship, while he couldnt stay faithful or committed to just me. Well, although I had many desperate plea prayers every day. This one was different, or at least more passionate and emotional than usual. I begged for the same things I did before. But I expressed how I wanted to progress and improve spiritually. I expressed how I did not desire to be with my child's father again, because he does not love Jehovah. I was done living two lifestyles. I said I will try my best to serve Him and I desperately needed Him to get me through my pain. I was wailing, bawling, weeping, sobbing again. I was begging out loud and rolling on the floor in emotional pain. I couldnt breathe and I was groaning and yelling in despair. I just said over and over "please Jehovah please Jehovah I cant do this, I dont want to feel anymore, I cant bare this, please help me, help me please Jehovah, I know You and the Truth is what I want, please keep me on this path, help me be strong, help me move on from him Jehovah, help me find my own life outside of him!" There was a lot of begging using Jehovah his name and please and help. It was hard to have a calm, normal conversation or express any other words and get out sentences. But Im sure Jehovah read my heart, he read my mind and knew my feelings, thoughts and struggles. With Jehovah's doing I finally got a job as well. *chills*
Beginning of 2016, I started a bible study with.... *drumroll* my childhood bible teacher. It was exciting to be studying with her as adult. It was very special to me. I even made friends. Something I hadnt had in years. I had forgotten what it was like to hang out and talk to people my age and have a good time. People who were interested me and benefited me. That helped me get my child's father and my pain out of my mind. That helped me stay busy and feel less lonely. All of 2016 I was emotionally NUMB. I want to say that was Jehovah. I endured. I cried every now and then to bed, but compared to the years before... I was drastically different. It was easier to LIVE. I started to eat more meals through out the day, I started to exercise and gain weight, I started to laugh and smile and I started to glow. I was focusing on myself, my child and Jehovah. ONLY.
Well in 2017, with much effort and prayers, I finally got a license and a car. *more goosebumps*
I keep saying *chills* and *goosebumps* because I know it was Jehovah's blessings. I knew he was listening to my prayers and understanding my circumstances and guiding me. I knew He was very much real and there for me. I'm not saying he gives us whatever he wish for whenever we wish so, especially materialistic things. But I did say "with much effort and prayers". It took a lot of effort on my part to work for what I earned. It took a lot of prayers. Jehovah knew what I had and what I lacked, he knew how hard I was working, he knew what I needed and what I needed it for and he knew I needed his guidance and strength to get through whatever it was to reach my goals. I needed a job to support my child and our needs, he knew I needed a car to get to work, doctor appointments, meetings, bible studies, service,family worships, etc. wasnt asking for starbucks because Im craving coffee or a Michael Kors purse I wanted to look good. But I had humbly asked Jehovah to help me achieve these things that I needed for beneficial reasons and I then I earned them with my effort. It wasnt on the spot that Jehovah took away my pain, but he helped me ENDURE it. He helped me get through it day by day for 2 years. The pain is not gone, but it is easier to live. Im able to function. Im able to serve Jehovah. Im able to eat. Im able to sleep. Im able to be a mother. Im able to work. Im able to be independent.
In April 2017, I am moved to a different congregation with a new bible teacher. I still have a relationship with my childhood.adulthood bible teacher, but I had to do what I had to do in order to progress. I moved congregations so I can make it to both meetings without being late or absent due to work. Jehovah has blessed me with an amazing bible teacher who is like my second mother.
This month I became and Unbaptized Publisher. 2 Years ago I couldnt see myself speaking to others or speaking in front of others. I have really bad anxiety and I lack social skills. With prayer to Jehovah, encouragement from Brothers and Sisters and my own practice and personal effort... I am conquering my social anxiety and improving my skills, speech, knowledge and experience. I didnt want to go out on service, I was like "NO WAY!" Well, here I am WANTING to and enjoying it. I have my first part soon. I am proud of my progress. I can definitely notice Satan after me, but I am conquering whatever he throws at me. Because I know the Truth is what I want, Jehovah is who I want to serve and a Jehovah's Witness is what I want to be. Oh! And soon after I started attending meetings and studying... along came my parents and other family members into the truth as well. My parents will be baptized at the next assembly. So encouraging and inspiring.
I plan to be baptized the first assembly in 2018. I also hope to find love and experience real love in a healthy relationship both serving Jehovah and having a spiritual family. But, hey..we'll see.
I have a few points in to sharing my story:
- God does exist. You just have to seek him and he will seek you.
- I had a taste of the world and was not satisfied.
- It is rewarding serving Jehovah instead of Satan
- being bad is easy but, being good feels better
- you can come up out of any circumstance, even if it seems impossible at the moment. Dont give up!
- by your conduct, others will follow
