Posts by Sunnybear

111

Is he interested?

by Sunnybear in

i met a wonderful man on match.com several months ago.

on our first date, there was amazing chemistry and we ended up having sex.

it was not planned, it just happened.

I would honestly, from the bottom of my heart like to thank each and every one of you about your posts and kind advice. I am starting to really see the situation I am in for what it is and I think I know how to go forward.

Since you have gained support and openess on this forum I am going to recommend another site that is specific to this situation with your ex(?) boyfriend.
https://www.7cups.com/member/connect/conversation.php?c=Sophia ~Giordano

Great idea! I will check it out! I have never heard of it.

I am not interested in become a JW but I would like to read some of the other threads and learn more about the beliefs just for academic reasons. Would that be ok? Since I am not JW I won't be able to really give advice and I don't have much knowledge of the religion other than the booklet I was given.

27

Have you ever "partaken" at the memorial

by NikL in

jw
friends

it's that time of year again.. trying to decide if i should or shouldn't.

:-).

Sunnybear

I am not JW but I am learning about the beliefs for academic reasons. What is the memorial?

11

EMDR Therapy Anyone?

by Brian J in

two+ months into marital counseling for my wife (pimi) and i (pimo).

wife after decades of marriage decides for the first time to bring up separation due to, drum-roll please...... absolute endangerment of spiritual life.

a spouse may constantly try to make it impossible for the mate to pursue true worship or may even try to force that mate to break god’s commands in some way.

Sunnybear

I have used EMDR for years with my counselor. It is to process trama (Like child abuse, rape, etc.). But it can also help you process things like shame or depression or help you process a difficult situation.

The counselor give you two small boxes that buzz back and fourth. It's supposed to help trigger the left and right brain paths or something. You will think of an image or an memory and just let your mind wander. After a few minutes the counselor will pause the boxes and you will talk about what the last thing you thought about was. then it will continue.

It is harmless & it works more efficiently than talking does.

111

Is he interested?

by Sunnybear in

i met a wonderful man on match.com several months ago.

on our first date, there was amazing chemistry and we ended up having sex.

it was not planned, it just happened.

Sunnybear

I tried to end it with him on Friday and he cried for an hour. I have not spoken to him since then. I want to end it, but I am afraid he might cause trouble (show up to my house or show up to my job and cause trouble). I certainly don't want any trouble at work!

Can I call the police if he just shows up to my house or job?

I think maybe I need to slowly back away from the situation. See him less. Text him less. Maybe fill up more of my time with other friends and get "busy" so I have excuses not to see him for a while.

If I block his number and he finds out, he might show up to my job and cause drama. (I work a few miles away from where he lives and I work with kids so I really don't want trouble at work).

I really don't want him to show up at my house and cause drama. I live in a condo. Most of my neighbors are retired and nosy and will get into my business.

I have no interest in becoming JW after reading all of the replies on this forum. I am kind of curious about why they believe what they believe for academic reasons and so I know how to behave if I ever meet another JW.

Ending this with him is difficult because I do care about him, and he has been part of my life for 6 months. It's hard to walk away from something, even if it was unhealthy overnight...

111

Is he interested?

by Sunnybear in

i met a wonderful man on match.com several months ago.

on our first date, there was amazing chemistry and we ended up having sex.

it was not planned, it just happened.

Sunnybear

WHY have you not been on JWfacts.com?????
It seems you really want to filter our responses and see what you want to see.~Wakanda

I did look that up. Last night before I saw him.

Please, I am not a troll. I am a real person who started dating a JW a few months ago. Since I am not that familiar with it I am honestly seeking advice about him. I am not seeking to cause trouble, but I am trying to decide what is best for me.

I did see him last night. I asked him all kinds of questions about his faith and our relationship.

1) I told him that I read that he is not supposed to do online dating. He told me it is ok, but discouraged because they don't want JW's getting involved with worldly things like drinking and doing drugs.

2) I told him that I read that he was not supposed to date me because I was not a JW. He said that it was discouraged but he would not get into trouble for spending time with me.

3) I asked him about our sexual relationship. He agreed that we should not have had sex and he said that is why he has not allowed us to in the past few weeks. But then he said that once he gets baptized he will have to stop doing that.

4)He told me he was not baptized. Does that change the rules of our relationship?

5) He asked me where all these questions were coming from and I told him I read these things online. He asked me if I looked at the jw.org page and I said.. I am not sure. (Was not gonna tell him about this forum). He told me I need to only read the things on the JW.org page he sent me and I should avoid things like this because sites like this are apostates(did I spell that right?) and they try to discourage people from being a JW and spread lies about being a JW.

I told him I was uncomfortable just being a friend and I wanted to be more than just a friend. I did not want to be treated like a placeholder and his behavior was making me feel that way. He refuses to make me his GF and keeps telling me I am his best friend forever and that he always wants me in his life and because of that he refuses to get into a relationship with me because he is afraid we will eventually break up.

I told him I wanted to stop seeing him. I told him that his actions were hurting me. He started to cry. He cried that he hurt me. He begged me not to end it. He told me not to ghost him or write him out of my life. He told me I was his best friend and he loved me and I was the most important person in the world to him. I was kind of thrown off by the tears. I have ended things with guys in the past and never got an hour long crying show.

And now we get to the part that really bothered me. He told me that he was not ok with us ending things. I asked him if I blocked his number how he would contact me? He said he would show up to my house. I asked him what he would do if I was not home. He said he would wait for me outside of my house until I got home. I asked him what he would do if I moved and he said he would show up at my job.

We only dated 6 months. I am not his girlfriend and he made it abundantly clear he didn't want a future with me.. We are not even have sex right now.... so.. Why would he be so freaked out about ending things with me? Is this normal for a JW?

111

Is he interested?

by Sunnybear in

i met a wonderful man on match.com several months ago.

on our first date, there was amazing chemistry and we ended up having sex.

it was not planned, it just happened.

Sunnybear

This man has lied to everyone. The truth is he is a member of a high control group and part of the culture he belongs to does not permit him to be friends with anyone outside the group. He is only allowed to date someone if he intends to marry them and sex is not allowed outside of marriage.. If your relationship was known to other members of the congregation he would be censured and may even be shunned and thrown out of the faith.~Nugget

Can I just say I am glad I found this forum. I really don't know much about the JW beliefs other than the booklet he gave me and what little information is in it. Honestly a lot of the things in the booklet are similar to my beliefs (Origins of sin, Jesus, Creation, etc.). I just feel like there are many "unspoken rules" that I am unaware of because I have never been close to any JW's.

I am unsure if I will see him tonight or not. If I choose to, I might poke the bear a little and question him about his faith, and why he was online dating services and why he even asked me out in the first place. (If those things are not allowed).

I am not sure how devoted to his faith he is OR how serious is family is about it. He told me a few months ago that they were having a BBQ for one of his nephews. I guess it was his nephews Birthday, and they were not celebrating his birthday but were having a BBQ in his honor? That confused me.

I am unsure if the other girl he dated before me was a JW at this point. I have never thought to ask. I will ask when I see him tonight.

Is there anything else I should address with him?

He wants you to make all the compromises whilst treating you as a shameful secret. If you continue you will be constantly expected to be available for him whilst at no time will he make compromises for you. Christmas, birthdays and thanksgiving are not important to him so you will spend these on your own. ~Nugget

His family does know about me so I am not sure how much of a secret I am. I have met his dad and two of his nephews. His mom and sister want to meet me to discuss their beliefs. I don't think people in his congregation know about me. Maybe his mom and sister want to protect him by converting me?

I do feel like I am making compromises for him and I am not sure he is willing to do the same. He spent Christmas eve with me (spent the night). He did not get me anything for Valentines Day because they don't celebrate it~ I got him something small.

111

Is he interested?

by Sunnybear in

i met a wonderful man on match.com several months ago.

on our first date, there was amazing chemistry and we ended up having sex.

it was not planned, it just happened.

Sunnybear

As you have identtfied yourself in as a Christian, why not try a Christian dating site?~ Vamderjpvem7

When I started dating again I was on Match.Com, Plenty of Fish and Christian Mingle.

I felt like Christian Mingle guys were a little judgmental and unrealistic about what they were looking for.

111

Is he interested?

by Sunnybear in

i met a wonderful man on match.com several months ago.

on our first date, there was amazing chemistry and we ended up having sex.

it was not planned, it just happened.

Sunnybear

I really appreciate all of the time you have all given to me to advise me in my situation.

Some background on me, I was in a serious (engaged) relationship just over 3 years ago. After he and I broke up, I took a few years off of dating to figure out my own life. I do not regret that time alone where I focused on myself, my career and kind of got my life together. I am independent, financially established, I have friends and hobbies. I have a good job and I am content with my life.

I started to enter the dating scene again about a year ago. I went on many, many first dates with awful guys. Guys who didn't have jobs. Guys who talked about their ex the whole time. Guys who gave me the creeps. Guys who acted like jerks. etc. etc.

I am frustrated because I feel like I am ready for a relationship but there is nobody there to fill the role. Where is my Mr. Right? I am 35 and most of my friends are married and/or engaged or in serious relationships and I don't understand why I am not finding someone also.

The JW guy I am dating is the first guy who was even someone who had his life together. He and I are supposed to get together tonight. Dinner and a movie. I am going to be honest and say after reading all of these threads, I kind of want to cancel with him.

But I kind of don't.

I either need to end it completely and walk away or open up my dating accounts again and just accept that he and I don't have a future and just kind of hang out with him until something better comes along.

Maybe I need to ghost him (block him) and erase his phone number off of my phone. But when I tried to do that yesterday I started to cry, which indicated that maybe I am not ready.

111

Is he interested?

by Sunnybear in

i met a wonderful man on match.com several months ago.

on our first date, there was amazing chemistry and we ended up having sex.

it was not planned, it just happened.

Sunnybear

Once you have been "converted" he knows you would never tell of your relationship as consequences would now be had for you and him and so all the power lies with him to choose to make your relationship formal or to drop you like a hot potato. You will have no power or say in what happens.~ More confused than ever

This post really makes a lot of sense!

111

Is he interested?

by Sunnybear in

i met a wonderful man on match.com several months ago.

on our first date, there was amazing chemistry and we ended up having sex.

it was not planned, it just happened.

Sunnybear

We had a long discussion last night and he told me that if I became a JW he would be more open to the possibility of having a future with me, but at the same time he told me that he does not want me to become a JW just to get closer to him. He again suggested I meet with his mom and another sister from the church to discuss the contents of the booklet he gave me.

He has one ex-girlfriend. They dated for 5 years. As far as I know she was not a JW and he broke up with her because he "feel out of love" with her. He has never said anything bad about her but does wish that they were still friends.

When I have tried to end it with him in the past, I will be honest and say he does "turn up the charm." He will say that he refuses to allow us to end things and then he will be more aggressive about pursuing me (taking me to fancy dinners, texting/calling more often, pouring on the I love you's, etc.). After one disagreement about our relationship status, he asked me out twice in one week~ and paid both times.

It has been asked, why didn't I just end it with a guy who says things like "I refuse to allow this to end.". Some of it is because I do love him and I believe he loves me. Some of it is because I don't want trouble. Some of it is because I am genuinely afraid I won't find someone I like as much as I like him.

There are a lot of things about him I really do like. He has a good heart, he is super affectionate, he is funny, he is intelligent, and has a good job. It is difficult to find a guy like him. I dated many, many guys before I met him and he is the first guy who fit what I was looking for.

With that being said, I am not sure my needs are getting met. He seems to like me more when he is afraid of losing me. I feel like I am putting in more effort than he is. He loves spending time with me. But I have to ask if he would be there for me if I needed help. Would he help me if I got a flat tire? If I got the flu would he volunteer to walk my dog and buy me ginger-ale? Should I continue in this relationship to see if he would?

I know this is not JW specific. I really don't know what to do about this guy. I know many of you think I should drop him, but it is complicated because I really do care about him. If I were to actually decide to end things, I would have to ghost him. (And after this discussion, I have gotten very close to doing exactly that).

Also, I am curious about his beliefs. If anything, the book he gave me has prompted me to get into the word and examine what scripture actually says. He and I have had deep discussions about our beliefs and I feel like its difficult to find a guy who is willing to have those discussions. I do plan on opening up other threads to figure out how I really feel about things.