Hey. It’s me again. The last time I posted was a long while back. Months ago. In case you didn’t read my other thread, I’m 19 and I was a regular pioneer, very admired in my congregation. There wasn’t one person who didn’t look up to me. And I’m not saying that cockily. Not many of the youth were spiritual. But I begsn to lead a double life, my love for the religion dimming away. I fell in love with someone outside. My parents found out and kicked me out but ultimately i ran away.
I made a thread afraid of what to do.
Many of you were giving me advice and helping me when I suddenly vanished.
It’s august now and I feel I should give an update. Before I do that...I want to say thank you to everyone who helped me and gave me advice. I really needed it in that part of my life.
Even though my parents wanted me “out of the house” they still wanted to control me. I told them I wanted to move in with my aunt but they said it wasn’t an option.
They took away all my means of communication and really closed me off from the world. It was at that point I got near suicidal. And I knew if I didn’t leave soon I’d end up killing myself. So on a Sunday my dad asked me if I was going to the meeting and i shook my head no. I think my dad knew I was going to leave.
But the second the car pulled out of the driveway I ran to the neighbors house and asked to use their phone, I called my aunt crying asking her to come get me. But she was in another part of town, my grandmother who was in town ended up picking me up. And she hid me in the back of her car so the rest of the family didn’t see, I didn’t want to start a scandal.
I got to my aunts and she let me stay. Of course my parents tried to come get me back but I refused. And I ended up getting a factory job that was very rough. I had never really worked so it wasn’t easy for me and I began to pay bills. Not to mention I didn’t even have a phone or a way to talk to my friends or boyfriend.
My parents of course called me through my aunts phone all the time. They told me to come back. That I was leaving god. They’d say a lot of things. But I told them I didn’t want to. And it hurt. I love my parents and I didn’t want them to suffer. They pressured me into talking to the elders. And eventually I caved in. They said, “just do this for us at least.”
I thought maybe, talking to the elders would restore my faith maybe haha...it didn’t. I think this is what completely changed me forever. The elders asked me to tell them in detail how I sexted my boyfriend. Everything me and my boyfriend did. How we did it. What positions. Where I touched myself. If I felt pleasure. How many times I’d do it.
i had to say that in front of those men. Who looked at me in disgust...the elder who gave me study...who was so proud of me...looked at me like I was scum.
After that I told my mom I didn’t want to be a witness anymore which was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to say. I know I broke my parents hearts. But they are so loyal to the religion..my mom would say Satan will devour me and that I could forget I had parents.
It was the hardest time of my life. I felt so alone and so vulnerable. The witnesses were the only people I had contact with other than my boyfriend and a few “worldly” online friends. Without them I felt...so...alone. I felt I couldn’t fit in. I would work heavy work and trying to accustom to the “world” was hard. All the changes were too much for me and I slipped into a heavy depression. I stopped eating or going out. I’d work and go straight to my room and cry.
Having my parents think I was horrible didn’t help either.
Sigh...i was too weak. I ended up going back to my parents. Mostly because I was close to getting dis fellowshiped. I have a little sister and I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving her on her own in the..religion.
I couldn’t bear the thought of not ever seeing her again. Or my parents either even though they hurt me. And it was all too hard.
so I went back. Yes I’m probably dumb and weak. So I sat in front of the elders again, more this time and again I had to tell them everything I did. All my sins. How I acted like a whore for sexting. A whore. Even though I’m still a Virgin. This time when I have them all the details, I did it monotonously. Like I was detached from myself. They discussed over it as I waited silently with my parents in the car. They said I would be censored.
I didn’t go to the meeting when they announced me.
I think I truly reached a point where I was empty.
A few weeks later I went to my first meeting since everything that has happened. Everyone hugged me and cried. And I cried to. Not because I was happy. But because I felt like I was drowning. I wish I didn’t care about these people. I wish I had no feelings. It would make leaving easier. But I do care.
Since then, I am not admired in the congregation anymore. I’m the hot topic of gossip you could say. I’m an example to everyone of how easily one could fall. I don’t comment anymore or take the stage, I don’t preach anymore. I rarely assist the meetings, and when I do all I do is cry because I’m miserable. I’m so unhappy.
I go about my days in a zombie-like state...empty eyes. I keep to myself and my parents say I’ve changed. And i love them so much...how do i tell them I have long since left this religion in my heart...when they believe this religion is the only salvation....i feel I’m just drifting through life. I do believe I’m depressed. But I could never tell anyone that or they would tell me to pray more and it will go away.
It won’t go away.
I’m here writing this thread in search of help again.
How do I make this feeling go away? Will it ever go away? I just want to go away. Far away.
I don’t want to end this on a sad note. Do here are some good things. I got a good job, I’m training to be a paralegal for a lawyer and he has helped me a lot and Ive gotten to know the world. I have thought about doing YouTube to and writing a book like I’ve always wanted. I’m currently saving up money as well.
My boyfriend and I are still in contact and still in love and plan on moving in together one day. I’ll be 20 soon and I’ll visit him soon.
My parents have given me a bit more freedom to my surprise despite pressuring me into this religion.
And despite being heavily depressed, I do have hope. Hope that things will get better and that one day I can be free. I feel I have been robbed of my identity and I need to find myself. There’s so many things I miss. I miss Christmas. I miss a stupid holiday with the presents and the songs. I miss those days. There’s a lot left to live for and I know one day I’ll find it.
And one day I will truly be happy.
Until then I’ll carry on.
Thank you for reading.
