Finally, i'll post the excerpts from my book, Father's Touch, that was printed in the gay & lesbian world review
[Adult Material: discretion advised ]
[SIDEBAR - Memoir snippets]
Papa takes Ronny on a hunting trip. But Papa and Ronny arent there to hunt. Papa stops on a country dirt road.
Papa whips out his thing.
Okay, come on already.
NO!
You do as I say, boy!
Ronny is six feet tall now. No one, including his father, is going to make my brother do something he doesnt want to do. He not only rejects Father, he threatens him.
Dont you ever touch me or any of us kids again. If I find out youve touched Donald, Marina, or Erik, youre a dead man.
Nothing more is said. Papa never approaches Ronny again.
We finally tell our brother The Game has continued. Ronny is furious. He also feels guilty.
Ronny became the only one of us able to achieve some independence. He made sure he was rarely home. He wanted to believe Papa had stopped playing The Game with us after his physical threat and so he did. He navely thought there was a chance we could be one big happy family. The truth shocked him. Meanwhile, we had assumed that The Game had continued with him as it had with us. There was no reason to discuss it. Why would we want to?
Ronny knows he has to do something. He promised he would. But as he is a baptized Christian now, he cant physically hurt his father. Instead he reaches out and cries for help. He decides to confide in the Elders of the Kingdom Hall of Jehovahs Witnesses.
Mama says, Dont tell.
Papa says nothing, as though this disclosure is inevitable. God knows he plays The Game. Now Gods Elders will find out. His silence at this major crisis is a brilliant and calculated turn.
Me, I am ecstatic. No more secrets and lies.
And Ronny? As the oldest son, the pressure on him is unbearable. He fears physical retribution from his father, not only for himself, but for us, too. But now he also has to deal with another unknown factor-how will the Elders react to the news?
He breaks down, confiding in the men of God, that our father has played with us sexually for years. Their reaction: a mix of detachment, curiosity, and confirmation.
* * *
Within the Witness society, spiritually weak males are suspect. Perhaps for only lacking faith. Where there is no sign of progress, there is genuine concern. During his fourteen years as a Witness, my fathers involvement with Jehovahs Witnesses had been sporadic at best. The Elders know there is something wrong with him. Now they have the evidence on him.
Papa is called into a meeting with three Elders. Mama is angry with Ronny for breaking the silence. Her private humiliation is about to go outside her inner circle. The four of us are told we must testify before the Elders. Ronny is fifteen, Im twelve, Marina is ten, and Erik is seven.
Papa confesses to the accusations. How could he not? Why would his four children lie? Why would Mother? Besides, his silence upon Eriks disclosure had been an admission of guilt two years earlier. His quiet admission of guilt now is really not that surprising. Perhaps his silence serves a purpose. Wouldnt a self-defensive posture or an antagonistic approach add to an already explosive situation?
My navet and innocence are thrown into the public arena for the first time. I feel like a witness for the prosecution. Im excited that our secret is finally coming out. My life will change for the better, I tell myself. Gods Elders will hug me and tell me God loves me just like Jesus did to his disciples.
We four children are called to the hall to tell the Elders about Papas abuse of us. I am nervous but not frightened. After Ronny leaves the room at the end of the Hall, I am called in. I walk into a tiny room with five chairs. I sit before three men of God. I completely believe that these men are Gods chosen Elders. I know Mama believes in them. Even Papa believes in them. I cannot, will not, lie to Gods helpers.
You realize how important it is to tell the truth? It is Gods will that you do, one Elder tells me.
Yes! I promise.
Describe the sexual acts with your father. What did you do exactly? How often? How many years?
As odd as I feel, I am enjoying this attention. Thinking Donald describes The Game perfectly. Ive repeated this monologue before. Explaining Eriks disclosure to Mama is a rehearsal for this revelation now. After all, she asked the same kinds of questions but when we told her, she cried. I am on a stage again, but this time God is listening. I know what I say has significance. Why, I do not know, but I know just the same.
No one asks me how I feel or how I felt. No one touches me. The questions are cold, blunt, and matter of fact. I havent the nerve to ask questions. As always, Thinking Donald has no tears.
Thank you. Well call you back later. I am dismissed.
An Elder steps out of the small room. Next, Marina.
The assembly line of DHaene children continues into the back room. I sit on a chair in the main hall. To say I have no comprehension of what is happening to me is an understatement.
Papa is bad and hes going to be punished, Mama tells me.
Im involved in something very bad. I feel like Im in a television courtroom drama and the show is long and boring. I cant turn the channel! Erik is sitting next to me waiting his turn. I kick the legs of the chair in front of me, waiting and waiting.
Finally Mama is called in to answer questions.
I did not tell anyone because I was embarrassed for the kids, for me, even for Daniel. What would you Elders think of us? I kept everything to myself for so long, I didnt know what to do or how to feel. I know dat Daniel influenced me to keep everything quiet.
It was very wrong of you not to report the situation to us.
I truly feel horrible and guilty and pray God will forgive me. I am ashamed. Yes, at first I was shocked and angry at Ronny for telling and then I knew it was de best thing to do. But still I was ashamed and did not want many to know.
Within days, another meeting is called. Once again, Im in the little room with the big men. This time Mama and my brothers and sister are with me. One of the men starts talking: Your father will be disfellowshipped and your mother publicly reproved for conduct unbecoming a Christian. When your father comes to meetings, he will sit at the back of the hall. You will sit with him and your mother. Remember, you must still honor your father as head of the household.
I am dizzy. Mother publicly reproved. Sit at the back of the hall. Honor your Father. I cant hear the rest of what this Elder is mumbling.
I am happy. I understand Papas excommunication will mean he is no longer a Jehovahs Witness. That makes sense. Gods people do not play The Game with their children. They also dont ask their children to lie about it to their Mama.
I am confused. How shall we honor our father? He never talks to us unless we play The Game. Does God expect my siblings and me to honor our father in some things but not in others?
I am sad. Mamas being punished because of my testimony. Why? I dont understand! Mamas hurting and Papa has something to do with it. I have something to do with my mothers pain.
How can I feel sad yet happy at the same time? The big secret is out, but a dark cloud continues to hover over us. I am afraid of these men, but God must have told them to do this.
As we drive home, Mama talks first.
Its Gods will. I made a mistake. I should have told the Elders.
Again Papa says nothing.
Were driving to the big four-bedroom house on top of the hill with the barn, silo, and chicken coop. Nothings changed. People know and were still living with Papa as one family. Will the abuse continue? I believe it will. I know it will.
On Sunday, we go to the congregation meeting and the public announcement is made.
Daniel DHaene is disfellowshipped for conduct unbecoming a Christian. Jeannette DHaene is publicly reproved. Now, let us stand and sing song number..
Were at the center of a sick kind of circus and yet no one looks at us. I dont understand why. I feel nothing. What am I supposed to feel?
Copyright 2002 Donald D'Haene
www.fatherstouch.com
Edited by - morrisamb on 25 July 2002 16:32:1
