I feel like this at the moment.... if it makes you better, I - a grown man - was crying on the sofa earlier. I just go and get busy with work, and try to improve my messy life, or just play music loud. Therapists were never helpful, because they don't know what we have been through, but I did find reading up on psychology, even on the web, to be helpful in understanding what is going on with my mind. It may be worth reading up on depression, passive dissidence, or Stockholm syndrome, and also to understand the weird bullies you met in the faith, read on how a troubled childhood (as many had growing up in the cult, while others had weird lives, drugs, sh1t, before they came into the cult) can cause passive-aggressive disorder, and sociopathy. Just look at it as small steps, day by day, improving things - it gets better.
ekruks
JoinedPosts by ekruks
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What can I do when I feel i can't keep going....
by Free!! ini have been having an awful week/month/year/life and i just feel like i can not move forward anymore... is like life is passing me by and i am just observing from the side lines.... i am so tired, i just want to sleep and never wake up..... has anyone felt like this?
i tried therapy (twice) an it did not work, i tried volunteering and surrounding myself with other people and things to do, and it works until i have to come home, then that feeling of emptiness returns.... .
i am so tired... i do not know what else to do.... .
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Friends... life after JW
by ekruks inhave awakened to what fooo-king sh1t (sorry!
) i've been living in these last years.... well since i was born.... i am left if quite a weird state.
i have some weird friends.... jws.... i used to think they were normal.
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ekruks
The situation is basically taht I can see how much this is screwing my life up, but at the same time, it's all I have and know. I don't know how to live without it, and I guess that is why so many stay in, and also the not wanting to hur their parents, or the never speaking to them again - it's two much pain for both parties. I don't have friends on the outside; so if I disassociate myself, I am absolutely alone. No friends; no family. Have no contacts outside the organisation, other than window cleaning clients, and well, that's not business. I know we were taught worldly people are wicked, and well, I struggle to think they all are, but I don't know who to trust outside the faith; not that I have ever trusted all within it. It's such an unknown, and perhaps I sounds like some chilidsh wimp. I think this can be a fear, a path to hard to walk, a painful one too, and so we just stay where we are. This really is Stockholm syndrome, and I am sure I'm not the only one who has been here.
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Friends... life after JW
by ekruks inhave awakened to what fooo-king sh1t (sorry!
) i've been living in these last years.... well since i was born.... i am left if quite a weird state.
i have some weird friends.... jws.... i used to think they were normal.
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ekruks
Have awakened to what fooo-king sh1t (sorry!) I've been living in these last years.... well since I was born.... I am left if quite a weird state. I think you all must have been here.
Can you please let me know where to go after this?I have some weird friends.... JWs.... I used to think they were normal. To be honest, they are still all I really know. I never went to school ...like many Witnesses around here... was home taught, to avoid problems in schools. Then other than a stint in further education, where I did well, I submitted to the pressure to be a window cleaner... no work colleagues. The only people I've known up to now in my life are Jehovah's Witnesses... suppose that's partly why I've been in it so long, because I don't really know what the outside it.... I've only seen the outside in TV, or occasional very casual conversations while cleaning windows.... when studying for a degree, I avoided all non-work contact with the other guys to keep the elders happy.
I don't know how people even find friends in the world. There is also the fact that if I come out and open about not believing this anymore and thinking we are in some abusive, cult that frightens us into staying, then well, exactly that, I will loose contact with my family. It will be like the US government's purges of any citizens it decided were communists during the Cold War.Has anyone been here? ...not believing in this anymore, but not wanting to loose family.... but not being able to cope with what this cult is doing to one's brain; depression, etc., this feeling of being trapped..... it's obvious now that the reason I had a breakdown was because I couldn't cope with the bullying by elders trying to make me submit and stop questioning their weird behaviour.... they are an old boys club... not that I think they all realise what they are doing; perhaps they are ill, I don't know... some show signs of passive aggressive disorder, but I think with others, they live in denial; there is a lot of passive dissidence, and blatant Stockholm syndrome..... looking back, I was always trouble by the behaviours of brothers and sisters, who were very irrational at times, with paranoias, and often a lack of common sense..... but I was swept up in the flow of it all and didn't really know any different.
Having a breakdown has meant for a while meetings and ministry suffered. It resulted in me for the first time, being able to sit back, away from the pressure, to analyze things. Especially when the pressure of being told I had had a breakdown; elders saying it was just that the holy spirit was no long upon me, because I didn't pray enough. Man, I prayed, sometimes for hours, on my knees, crying, begging, even hitting myself, begging for forgiveness! I was desperate, and lost. We are encouraged to question things and make the truth our own, but always from within the Watchtower guidelines, but this always troubled me, because it was the Watchtower itself that told us not to look beyond it. It didn't quite make sense. It was after the time that an elder started a meeting late because he was yelling at me in front of the congregation, that I went through to the restrooms, and the stress, the pressure, it was crushing me, and I collapsed on the floor, crying for a few minutes, begging Jehovah to give me a different assignment where I could actually serve him. It was never the same; never so beautiful, never so innocent....
I just lost interest, especially after two different judicial committees fail to disfellowship me on false charges, e.g. reported an elder, with solid evidence that he was blatantly reading porn, and instead of him going before the committee, I was tried for slander. I had to appeal, and the appeal committee was in disagreement, and so it was referred to glorious bethel. The weird bit being that I was immediately taken off as a servant, for a rebellious spirit, but permitted to pioneer, though technically both have the same qualifications. I was an absolute shambles; it wasn't a divine spirit at work, but simply imperfect men, and hence, an imperfect result. We talk of the perfection; the canonicity in the Bible, so what of the very opposite in Jehovah's organisation, though I do accept the Israelites were also corrupt, but such a comparison is never made by the Watchtower, as if to say there are false Christians amongs Jehovah's people.
Anyway, I just can't buy this anymore. But what did you guys do about family?
Maybe it was your parents? Didn't want to break their heats? Folowing the Devil, etc., must cause so much pain.... I can't bring myself to hurt them like that. What of being married? It's such a vile situation! How does one live like this?! It's how they control us!
It's so lonely! Friends is a tricky one, because those in the faith don't get my lack of interest in ministry, etc., and I can't discuss my real feelings, stresses etc. with them. I can't look outside for friends, because that will rock the boat and I will loose my family! Lonely life! Doing my head in! I feel like I'm in prison! I don't like the Witness firls; never have, as so many are only interested in marrying an elder (as if they are the Senator's wife!), or worried about how many return visits I have, while others pick and choose, doing something worldly like playing rap and wearing short skirts while chasing pioneer brothers and talking of Gilead. What bothers me more is the blatant signs that the pressure of this life has, especially on marriages. I don't like the naive arrogance, though I know it's just how we are taught to be.
....but how can I look to the outside, without loosing parents, siblings, cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents.... so many, so much pain, so lost.... not to mention, having spent quarter of a century in this movement, being born in it, I don't know how to live outside it. It's like an illness!! Like I have some disabilty. How did you guys cope with this?
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Nervous break down because of being a JW?
by easyreader1970 ini know it's sometimes hard to pinpoint causes of things when there could be several potential causes.
i am wondering if anyone here knows anyone (or maybe you yourself) who has had a nervous breakdown directly or indirectly because of being associated with the jehovah's witnesses.
i am not on the verge yet, i don't feel like, but then again maybe these things just snap in a person.
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ekruks
I have, though I was told by ex-Bethel, ex-RBC blah blah elder that it was because I didn't pray enough - he didn't know how much I prayed for stress to go away! I agree with CoCo that there is too much stress. Pioneering in the foreign-language field - sitting on the platform and telling the circuit how great it is - hmmmm - learning the language, doing the pioneer hours, doing meeting items, doing all the field service arrangements, numerous servant jobs (I was doing magazines, litreature, territory, sound desk and platform - got a bit impossible at times, and elders would loose their tempers) as well as work elders were assigned and claiming to have done, such as shepherding visits (!?) - blatant-power stuggles among elders, being stabbed in the back, lied about - then the pressure to help out my foreign brothers, who need help with job applications, state paperwork, not to mention, they had no car amongst them all, so "rich" English-speaking boy had to drive them shopping, to work etc. frequently or be unpopular with much of the group :(
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JW's and Chronic Fatigue Syndrone!
by cornish inchronic fatigue syndrone, m e, yuppie flu.
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i dont know if anyone else has noticed the alarming number of jws who claim to suffer from chronic fatigue syndrone,i mean hear in cornwall there tend to be several sufferers in every congregation,outside the jws out of the many people i know i dont know anyone,although there are obviosly many outside the jws who suffer this illness,percentage wise it seems that jws have a much,much larger occorance of the illness.. for example my brother in law has not worked and been living on invalidity benefits for more than 10 years since his mid twenties,his brother is also in the same boat, an m.e sufferer.. i wonder if anyone has looked into this a bit more?
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ekruks
CFS/ME is not the same as MS.
Viruses such as Epstein-Barr are often highlighted.
However, these are not to blame by themselves. Often the body is in an incredibly weakened state due to stress, so it doesn't properly recover from the virus. Moreover, there are scientific reports to claim that merely stress can cause such fatigue.
Stress can be caused by the pressure to somehow pay all the bills and submit to the incredible pressure to pioneer. Also, there is the stress of elders ...some are blatantly passive-aggressive tinpot dictators, high on power-trips... and whether meant or not, the micro-managing every aspect of one's life, doing inspections, disciplining in front of others, ..... etc., often for matters that are petty and personal, e.g. a brother struggling to follow the pressure to be an appointed man, but his hair is a millimetre too long, or his car just too nice, or an elder doesn't like his girlfriend, or he plays sports too much, or he was caught not showering everyday (remember a congregation co-ordinator sniffing a brother !?), or he must be a serial killer because, oh no, horror of horrors, he has a neat well-kempt beard (!)
JW life = incredible levels of stress :. the body can't take it, and this is revealed by poor health.
The result is that people are highly-strung. There can be real tension. Seen many Witness sisters with blatant undiagnosed or denied conditions such as PTSD, who perhaps unwittingly take out their condition on others, who in turn suffer stress. Moreover, the circuit overseer will often ignore issues, calling them a personality clash, when it's not the matter of one person being outgoing or another quiet.In this sense, we find similarity to PTSD, insomnia, nervous breakdowns, burnout, depression, food/chemical intolerances, lupus, overdrinking, overeating, grudges, jealousy, and so forth.
I have met an incredible number of Witnesses with CFS/ME or other stress-related problems. About a third of the Witnesses I know, while I know few worldly people with such conditions.
Anyone who denies such illnesses exist, doesn't have a clue what they are taking about.
In general, Jehovah's Witnesseses are incredibly intolerant, rude, and uncaring of those with stress-related illnesses, because the religion so conditions people - the idea is to give every last ounce of energy to Kingdom Service, even if you are struggling.
However, it does seem that many Witnesses claiming to have CFS/ME may actually have depression, which has some similar symptoms - the main difference being that physical or mental exercise usually makes a depressed person feel better, while it usually makes some with CFS/ME feel worse.
Pushing yourself to just work on like normal while having such illnesses is not beneficial. It can result it FMS. However, moderate, light exercise can help to strengthen one. Regular pioneering, full-time work, etc., would not be possible unless you had some very mild form of CFS/ME. -
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I am thinking of writing a book. Would you read it?
by ekruks ini had a nervous breakdown, growing up in a very strict, abusive religious community that you know of.. .
living throughout the world in modern 21st-century cities, we strongly believe the end of the world is nigh due to moral decline, and thoroughly follow a moral code which i respect, seeing drugs etc.
do harm people.
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ekruks
I have seen and received much abuse from within the organisation. The concept of forgiveness on the basis of Jesus's ransom is kind in many ways, but the problem is that it is abused. An unbalanced person, with serious personality problems (a sexual abuser, a personal with a violent temper, passive-aggressive, etc.) can emotionally, verbally, even sexually abuse someone, then repent, and all is to carry on as normal. To not hold a grudge is one thing, because yes we all are imperfect, but to take no action at all is another - the abuser blatantly needs treatment of a medical nature, perhaps the so "demonic" therapy to correct their thinking.
If the worldy counselling is anti-God, then why not have our own - I know we have the elders, and the holy spirit qualifies them, but they are by no means experts on mental health - it's the whole aspect of being spirit-appointed that bothers me. I know of elders with a real personality problem rather like Kevin Spacey's character in Swimming With Sharks - the organisation seems to be a fantastic place for such guys, where they can live in their perverted way, and everyone must just adapt to them. I have seen more than one elder (different congregations) have a tantrum in a Kingdom Hall during a meeting in front of a whole congregation, but while many - including quieter, shy elders - didn't like his actions, they didn't want to question Jehovah and 'don't know all the facts', so blindly unquestioningly continued showing the due 'double respect'. Where is the moral courage? What of high priest Phinehas striking an Israelite prince's (in some ways similar to Governing Body!) son to death? Any one who even dares to mention concern about something happening is silenced.
Both times, a number did just stop going to meetings, and were actually watched for months (a number of times I would be on the ministry with an elder - various ons - and they would drive past a brother's road, even stop nearby or ring his bell in hope of catching him up to something) - some other reason for their departure could be found for the CO, such as 'he left because he has a girlfriend in the world'. The girlfriend / worldly life-style was the effect, not the cause (the abuse that pushed him away from the organisation) - we all have those weaknesses, things we struggle with as Witnesses, and when one drifts away, what of the drive to fight that temptation? Is it always that the temptation for 'fleshly desires' is what draws one away?
It's easy for a psycho to continue his ways in 'the Truth' - he repents, doesn't receive treatment, so naturally will continue to behave in some perverted manner, while still serving as an elder - how can that be God's will? If it happened at work, you may change job, but if you jsut change congregation because an elder upset you, a letter follows that destroys you in the next. I'm not condoning violence, but outside the organisation, such a bully would sometimes get beaten and back off, but Witnesses are sheep-like, so such easy victims. I know we have to 'wait for God's appointed time', as did King David with pressure from Saul (let's not forget he ran AWAY), but this seems like an apologist, even helping the abuser, and is impossible to agree to while someone is blatantly being abused.
What I find difficult is that I actually really believed in, lived for, worked hard for the ideals of Christianity. I agreed with the disapproval of the church for it's failings. If however Jehovah's Witnesses are also a failing, self-interested, then where is the true Christianity, where is God, where is the basis for our morals? Evolution doesn't provide a basis - it's all about survival of the fittest at all costs. I have this great longing for a higher power to guide ignorant, corrupt, self-interested mankind.
It all reminds me of Darwin's dilemma -“Suppose the whole world stopped believing God had a plan for us. Nothing mattered. Not love, trust, faith, not honor. Only brute survival. Apart from everything else, it would break your mother’s heart.”
"I cannot persuade myself that a beneficent and omnipotent God would have designedly created parasitic wasps with the express intention of their feeding within the living bodies of Caterpillars"
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I am thinking of writing a book. Would you read it?
by ekruks ini had a nervous breakdown, growing up in a very strict, abusive religious community that you know of.. .
living throughout the world in modern 21st-century cities, we strongly believe the end of the world is nigh due to moral decline, and thoroughly follow a moral code which i respect, seeing drugs etc.
do harm people.
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ekruks
.jamiebowers, the thing is turning my back on the faith seems to be denying morals
@jamiebowers - I know - grew up living by a moral code, and now it seems crazy to start making the rules myself, or to be influenced by whatever people around about me enforce (for good or bad) - to be honest, I feel very lost without a higher power, like facing the wild frontier. I have heard of how people leave the army and can't adjust to "normal" life, without the army discipline system, and I can see a similarity with someone who leaves religion. There's a part of me that wants the organisation to be right, because it's easier and I can see many Witnesses are likewise (sounds like stockholm syndrome!) - there is also the fact my close and distant family are all Witnesess, going back generation, and isn't family the important thing in life, what it's about, so I don't want to loose them - many Witnesses seem to be going to meetings for this reason; sometimes just to keep their wife happy.You won't feel that way once you realize just how immoral the organization is
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another martyr
by Aussie Oz inmy ex wifes mother is dying.
(perhaps even today).
i understand from my daughter that the has something that may be like aplastic anemia.. i guess that even with the forbidden blood tranfusions she would be on a short leash time wise...any one know?.
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ekruks
Blood issue
....it's in the Bible, sure, but I still find that difficult.....
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Car Full of JW's while I'm at the Car Wash............
by Terry ini'm sort of angry right now.. no, not angry..... i'm shaky.
at least, when i lift my cup of coffee to my lips, sitting here at starbucks, my hand is trembly.. i hate that!.
the power they have to still reach me on some hidden point that hides in the corners of my very being.... .
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ekruks
It's like they never grew up, like they are kids
There are lots of people like that, of all religions, even without religions, but few have so much power and influence as religion permits
It's how things are.... the most capable don't always lead, etc..... life is a mess -
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I am thinking of writing a book. Would you read it?
by ekruks ini had a nervous breakdown, growing up in a very strict, abusive religious community that you know of.. .
living throughout the world in modern 21st-century cities, we strongly believe the end of the world is nigh due to moral decline, and thoroughly follow a moral code which i respect, seeing drugs etc.
do harm people.
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ekruks
Thanks guys That was encouraging
Steve2 I have watched the film to Angela's Ashes and almost did stop watching it ....a story, but a bit long, and I did just find it depressing.... it didn't have much hope in it. Whereas Seabiscuit deals with similar poverty during hard economic times, and made me think a lot, but it was easy to watch and while sad, positive as well, like life... perhaps why people like the film.
I take your point, that I mustn't just write some sad, grumpy old rant about elders. I will need to have a more collected approach, and I will have to select just some of my life, as too much weird stuff happened for one book.
I don't actually read that many books - read many Watchtowers, etc.. (I'm not the only one!)
Most people only seem to read on the train, etc.. I prefer films, and as far as I can see, most successful films are in two catergories:1. Thriller..... action, mystery.... relies on intrigue.... I could try writing from this angle.... the discovering of what I belonged to...
2. Romantic/comedy..... relies on the feel-good...... I don't see my life story as that..... romantic 'gift of singleness'
......brought up thinking Witness girls were the best thing in the world, and sure, I like the ideal.....
...............nothing appealing about a girl who passes out drunk, takes drugs, etc. but that's not every girl....
...........don't understand the way worldly girls thinks or who to trust.....
..........and well, spiritual girls would hold me to something I'm not sure about, i.e. sacrifice kids in hospital, etc.....jamiebowers, the thing is turning my back on the faith seems to be denying morals
As you can see, I like to write.... yes, The Quiet One, Band on the Run, it's get's it out the system..... and yes, I should contact a publishing house
The Quiet One... thanks I don't really know anyone with a college education.... didn't keep contact with those we were taught were scriptually viewed as 'bad associations'....
Ziddina It's difficult to know whether to stick hard to the facts or whether to go for a fictional approach.
Using the actual names of elders wouldn't worry me, shame them, but in a way I do feel sorry for their misguidedness, but more sorry for the victims. I would be tempted to use similar names. I would quote parts of Watchtowers, perhaps by the main character reading them, but not extensively, because I want this to flow as a story, not a documentary.Sizemilk, Rocky_girl will look into the perspectives you suggest
Totally ADD Sorry if I sound arrogant - I just don't like the negative attitude towards education - I know many kids have the potential to do more. I do work as a cleaner at the moment ...any attempt to get better work is hindered by brothers who see it as failing in love of Jehovah... and yes, Jesus did have a simple life.... well, my health is 100% anyway, so perhaps best I just work with my hands.
Thanks to everyone else