Hello. I am currently an active JW. I don't want to be but the situation I am in doesn't allow me to do anything differently. I have been associated with the Organization since my parents started studying in the early 80s. I was baptized in the late 80s. My parents were both baptized but were never anyone important in the congregation. They were regular rank and file publishers. The most my father ever did was carry the microphone a couple of times. At the age of 20 I became a ministerial servant, much to the pride and joy of my mother (later I would realize that it was her, not the WTBS version of Yahweh, that I was trying to please). At about the age of 22 I decided that I would reveal my true feelings to my mother and tell her that I no longer wanted to be a JW. She burst into tears and left me feeling horrible. She was miserable for a while but she never said anything to any of the elders. Maybe she didn't want them to boot me. After a few weeks, during most of which I felt horrible, I decided that I was somehow mistaken and that I really did want to be a JW after all. I was still a MS (because nobody knew anything except my parents). I convinced myself that it really was the Truth. I got my own book study, the first of two I would have during my MS days. Then I got married to a pioneer. Then we had children (3). For some reason, having children made me begin to realize again that the WTBS wasn't correct at all. Due to moving residence, we switched to another congregation where I did not pursue MS duties. I no longer went out in field service every Saturday. I attend most of the meetings still. I barely comment and I almost never go out in field service. My wife is a JW zealot. I love her but I no longer love her god (which, contrary to her belief, is not Jehovah but the WTBS). I never did, really. I can't tell her my true feelings because she'd leave me and take the kids. I can't abandon my responsibility and love for my children so I do a very good job of pretending, perpetuating the lie. I don't really have a double life. I life pretty much the life that the Witnesses are instructed to. But that's because I have to. I can't give myself away to the wife. I feel imprisoned. Tell what I believe to be the truth and lose my wife and children? Or live the lie, feel soulless for the most part, but still exist while able to enjoy my children and my wife? My parents? Ironically, they don't go to meetings anymore. They are not disfellowshipped, nor have they disassociated themselves. They show up at memorials and at every other district convention, maybe. I have a sister (who is married to a JW). They barely go to meetings either. It's weird. I was the only one that had misgivings about being a witness and I am the only one still going.