WHY I STOPPED APOLOGISING FOR THE WATCHTOWER SOCIETY - PART 9
There came a time when I had had enough of online discussions and searches regarding religion. It had got to the point where I felt emotionally drained by the whole quest to find spiritual 'truth'. I wanted to close the door fully on my life as a Jehovah's Witness and open a new one where I would not be reminded of the wasted years spent giving my life to the Watch Tower Society. Of course, I couldn't completely get away from the memories as my wife was still a died-in-the-wool Witness. But I figured at least I could help myself by not going anywhere on the internet that had anything to do with religion. I had by this time decided that I would not even go to another Memorial celebration; in fact I had determined never to set foot in a Kingdom Hall again.
The sight of 'theocratic' books about the house was a cause for irritation to me, and so one day I decided to do some 'spring cleaning' under the innocent guise of having a tidy up. Our family has always been surrounded by books on different subjects as we value highly personal and on-going education, so we have a number of bookcases in different rooms. I don't know how I managed it without arousing suspicion, but I was able to convince my wife that the WTS books would be better off in just one location which would be easily accessible (to her!). The location I found was a general purpose cupboard which thankfully I could close the doors on and therefore no longer be subjected to the unwelcome sight of such junk.
Learning Real Compassion
I'm afraid to say that growing up in the socially isolated JW environment produced in me a very cold feeling towards those who had forsaken our a 'clean' way of life. This attitude had already caused me much emotional turmoil when my younger daughter left home all of a sudden and started associating with people in 'the world'. I was very disappointed and angry with her. I and her mother had been knocked for six and stunned by her decision. However, I was definitely not prepared for an announcement (via a text message!) about a year later that informed us she was pregnant. I had a few years before sat both my daughters down and had a private conversation warning them about that outcome if they did not lead (as I saw it at the time) a moral life, and that my worst nightmare would be one of them ending up pregnant. Yes, I felt angry that my daughter was in this state after I'd previously told her and her sister that, in my opinion (at that time), most men really are bastards who are only interested in one thing. But I also felt that she had shown a huge contempt for the things we had taught her as being important in life. I then took a decision that I deeply regret. I decided that I wanted nothing more to do with her and so made no attempt to contact her. My wife, however, met my daughter from time to time, but unfortunately I saw this as weakness on her part and this put a strain on our marriage.
Just a few days before my daughter gave birth, I went to see a controversial film called "The Passion Of The Christ". There had been some negative reviews about this and I thought that I would go and watch it in order to get an informed opinion on it. What I saw was not for the fainthearted. Having read much about the brutality of the times, I truly believe that if there ever had been a Jesus of New Testament fame, this was likely how he would have suffered. My ideas about the authenticity of the gospels were at that time entering a transitional phase, but what struck me was the idea of someone having so much concern for human beings (even the obnoxious ones) that he would be prepared to die a horrible death to save them from something he considered far worse. By the time I had left the theatre my mind was resolved that I was going to try to repair at least some of the damage to my relationship with my daughter, but I had to choose the right time. A few days later my wife went up to the hospital were my daughter had gone into labour and she spent the whole night and morning there with her - the father, of course, was absent. The next day I went to visit my daughter and my new grandchild. My daughter was somewhat surprised, but I sensed that she had wanted me to be there. Well, bit by bit and through tears sometimes we both started communicating and resolved many issues to the extent that now we have a very strong tie. She knows, that I'll be there for her whenever she needs me.
The great thing that has come as a result of this experience is that I now have a very different view of people in general. I'm not anywhere near as judgemental as I used to be, and at last I've learnt to reject that 'them' and 'us' attitude. I no longer see people as objects that I was taught by the WTS would be slaughtered in countless numbers at 'Armaggedon', but as thinking, feeling human beings who at times should be shown compassion when they make big mistakes as a consequence of trying to satisfy emotional needs. These days, people are either people I like or don't like on the basis their personality and how they view and treat their fellow human beings, and not on the basis of what they do or have done in their private lives, or indeed the way they choose to live their lives. I remember saying recently to my older daughter that my overriding concern for my children now is that they simply be happy.
In the past I have found that even those who were regarded as brothers and sisters within the congregations were not accorded real love from the organisation. From what I read over the many years I was associating with JWs, the WTS has tended to promote a 'love' that is always at arms length and conditional, held out like a carrot just out of reach, encouraging the flock on an ever more onward march forward unaware that they are trapped by emotional dependency. Hence, although I have known a number of caring, loving Witnesses, I have never gotten the impression that real heartfelt 'Christ-like' love was at the core of the organisation.
(To Be Continued ...)
