I finally took the forbidden plunge, and bought Crisis of Conscience and Franz's other book Christian Freedom - I finished the one and am most of the way through the second. I still feel quite quilty about investigating "apostate" literature and websites, but have finally decided that I need to know to make an informed decision about the JW org. Its funny while reading those books how the JW training clicks in to offer an explanation for some of the experiances he describes.
I was raised in the organization, and df'd for 14 years before I stopped defending the beliefs and doctrines of the WTBTS. I would not even listen to anything that was anti-org. When I would strike up conversations in various settings with those who turned out to be df'd or xjw's I would usually defend the org and encourage them to go back. I would tell them, "No matter what any man has said or done, it is still the truth, and I intend to return one day . . . " I was waiting to align my life with the WTBTS's edicts and policies . . . to bring my life into harmony with "Jehovah's Organization". That day never came, however.
My exwife, a JW, had custody of our children and used "the truth" in the most diabolical ways against me and my children. I thought it was just her, but after some time and after seeing how the elders in their congregation were dealing with their domestic and spiritual challenges, with their abuse of my children, I took very much exception to how they were allowing my children to suffer in Jehovah's name and needlessly. I finally woke the hell up and intervened with the help of the law [I felt guilty because I thought going against my ex-wife, a jw in good standing, with the authorities, I was going up against Jehovah himself, so it was very scarey at first] and I received help from CPS, and I got custody of my kids, very rare for a man to be able to do. I knew at that point that Jehovah was no more with that woman or the elders than a man on the moon. That was all I needed to see to give me courage.
I too recently read those books, M, and I sort of took the same path, trying to justify and rationalize the actions and doctrines of the WTBTS. I did not want to believe everything I had always believed was, for the most part, a lie. In my heart, I already knew it was no use to go back to the organization and my attempts to rationalize, I suppose, was just my heart and mind making sure and offering some kind of valid argument for the beliefs I still clung to. The fact is, there is much too much documentation in those two books for anyone with common sense to rationalize away, no matter who wrote the book and no matter for what purpose. I am now glad I took the time to learn the truth about "The Truth".
Welcome, M, and I hope you continue to find the answers you are looking for. You have entered a forum rich with experienced ones in and out of the org. As for me? I have never been happier or felt more liberated since I made a conscious decision to leave and never return. It does mean starting over again, making new friends, forming new relationships and making new decisions on your own. However, if the place you are leaving is that empty, what have you really got to lose by leaving it?
Best Regards,
Corvin