'Gladly would I teach but even more gladly learn." Chauser.
Why don't we meet up so you could tell me where i went wrong school teacher. I'm in socal too. So send me a pm.
Hairtrigger
JoinedPosts by Hairtrigger
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Oxy-delirious Fly-on-ear ( Part 2)
by Hairtrigger inoxy-delirious fly-on-ear ( part ii) .
by hairtrigger .
now both these ladies are jaw-droppin beauties.
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Oxy-delirious Fly-on-ear ( Part 2)
by Hairtrigger inoxy-delirious fly-on-ear ( part ii) .
by hairtrigger .
now both these ladies are jaw-droppin beauties.
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Hairtrigger
Oxy-Delirious Fly-on-ear ( Part II)
By Hairtrigger
Now both these ladies are jaw-droppin beauties. But Denise Milton? She be everyone’s dream girl- by several streets. She sumpthin’ else. No gal in a congregation within a hundred mile could match her fer what she got . Most of em eligible brothers, be they dancin’ 25 or pereshin’ 55 , was enamored of her. You know what I mean. She is about 5’7’’, auburn hair, hazel eyes, smooth creamy pink skin. Perfect slim legs and matching slender body attraction. Her fixins is rock star state o’ the art ! She has a new one for every meeting. I’d never seen her repeat an apparel in twelve month. Must have a wardrobe the length of a football field. She work at the library downtown. Anyways.
“Me ‘n Joan were mozeyin along the West side o street when Joan sez ” Howdy Matt Watters. How come we didn’t see you at the Hamilton’s baby shower? What are you hiding ? The heart that’s quietly pining for that girl from Ipanema?”
“I didn’t get ya.What are ya talkin about Joan? Jazz standards?” Was my brow- puckered comeback.
“ The companion I was just with.” Said with a twinkle in ‘er eye and just a hint of a sly smile.
An alarm bell went off ‘n my head. “ Me and Denise? Are you serious? And why would you think that?” I decided to give nonchalance a try. Make no mistake. I was some rattled by her astute nailin of the inner workin’ of my tick-tock. Damn! Was she….
“ Don’t you know? You wear it on your face when she talks to you. Like, about five others I could name.”
She smiled looking at me with those twinkling eyes. I dropped mine hastily. That sunset I spoke of earlier on McDorf . It just landed on my collar and gills. How ‘n heck did this woman guess? That’s just a rhetorical question. Don’t bother lookin for answers. Joan’s studyin to be a clinical psychologist.
“Do you know what you are sayin? Stop. Are you crazy ?” My voice sounded hoarse to my ears. I couldn’t think clearly. Desperately racked my mind for a fib or a fake to get this ….this…female hound dog off my trail. I aughtta have known better.
“ Yes . And there might be an iota of truth in the latter, but that’s neither here nor there. What is here though, is you. And what is there, is what you’d like to pursue. So what yu gonna do about it? Let the relic in blue, collar yon rhapsody in green?.” Denise was wearing a coat of many colors, mainly yellows, beige and olive over a turquoise dress that made her look like my heart was tobboganin clean outta my chest.
“You know something Miss. I ain’t listening to this.” You can’t say I didn’t try stiffness. I did. Looked her in the eye for a second and duck them quickly. Dang!
“ Don’t ‘miss’ me sweetness. If McLovin there does any more Mcdovin with your heart’s secret, he’ll have lassoed, hogtied and branded your tealed tenderness; hot roddin her in his McCaddy to a sugar McDaddy honeymoon. Then you’ll be ‘miss’-ing her. Happily ever after!” Joan has a way of makin sarcastic sound like an uppercut in a velvet gift wrap. She never done raise her voice but alternates between soft and a half whisper.
You gonna get yourself ‘n me dis-fellowshipped. That is a heck of a rumor to spread. Just plain loose talk. Yua need to hitch that tongue of yourn .What does the bible say? Words are like arrows. Once released they can’t be gotten back.” Hoping to shock her outta the topic.
“Interesting. Where exactly, in the bible, does it say that?”
“I think psalms or proverbs.”
“ I said ,and, I quote, ’where exactly’? Do you want me to repeat?”
I just gave you the nam…’
Specifics please . Chapter and verse. Not vague generalizations”.
“ Ummmn..I don’t remember offhand. I’ll look it up. But that’s ain’t the point”
“Typical. O.K. till you find that nonexistent verse, what is your point?”
“ That we just can’t add and subtract people from random other people. That man a special pioneer. Firm in the truth. He bin in the congregation two year now and we jest can’t go around spreadin unsubstantiated . He , beyond reproach. His behavior, incorruptible. We just can’t accuse him of shinin up to any girl in the congregation. Without evidence.” There! The high moral ground. Works every time.
“It’s me making the “accusations” here, so there is no ‘we’. My testimony is based on unmitigated circumstantial evidence, which could be corroborated by upstanding members of this congregation. Whose reputations are without blush or blemish.” Stylish, cool ‘n calm voiced, this gal could pass for a successful attorney. Not one to give up easily, I harried the bone.
“ You a lawyer now? What happened to circumstantial don’t stand up in court.”
“We are JW’s not ‘english’. We have jc’s not courts. We have ‘two witnesses’; not ‘beyond a reasonable doubt. We have each- man –for- himself, not defense attorney’s . That circumstantial enough for you?” She had quizzical flashing in those eyes now.
“ O.K. give me the circumstantial. Give me the facts. Blush and blemish don’matter.”
“ Not so fast Matt Watters. That would be compromising a lot of people’s confidence.”
“ That ain’t confidence. That just gossip. If’n you can’t or won’t say then its slander.”
“ I won’t tell….”
“ Ha! Slander it is then.”
“…Pleading the fifth.”
I searched desperately for a plea bargain against her constitutional right but found none. I had no argument left. I changed the topic.
“Whats gotten into you? And McDorf doesn’t look half as old as you make him out to be. He looks 30-ish.”
No he doesn’t. Maybe there was a time when he did. Hmmm..when the light is dim.. maybe. But take a gander at his hide in the sun, and you’d see he’s been left out too long in it.
“ You in love with him? Is this what this is all about.”
She sighed heavily and followed it with ,” That is Pure Genius. The way you solve the mysteries of my heart. It was a nightmare trying to figure who my feelings were pointed toward. Now that you’ve unraveled it, I can sleep easy at night. But wait. I can’t . He is chasing Milton. How do I get him to look at me. Got it . Get you to steal Milton away from him and then we can all live happily ever after. That’s what this is all about. You nailed it Dr. Freud.”
“ Is there somethin’ beside cynical, critical, derisive and mocking in your rumor? . Add acrimonious. Why?”
“Perspicacious sweetie. That’s the word you are looking for. So whatcha gonna do. Tell on me to the elders. Turn me in; as causing dissention in the congregation….and honey that isn’t a rumor you’re hearing. It’s a tell tale heart vibrating your vocal chords. To speak up! You want to take my …no…. let me rephrase…Take my advice. Tell her!!
“You need ta see a shrink. Believe me.” Exasperation colored my voice.
“The shrink’s already okayed the advise. Believe me.”
“You crazy”. I threw my hands into the air for effect.
“You said that. Earlier. The shrink definitely did not. And he should know.”
“Maybe you oughta change your shrink. Can’t he see you pluckin straws out of ya hair yet ?”.
“Not yet sweetie. But errr..how are you gonna deal with idiot sticking outta yours?” She went in for the finger crooking on the word.
“Don’t look but, Cupid’s got skewered shafts stickin on yer braids now. Watch ya gonna do with ‘em?” I ventured hoping I had put a lid on her with that one.
“ Use the burntwood to build a trellis. To your lady’s boudoir window!
“ I ain’t listenin to this no more.”
“You keep repeating that line . Having trouble memorizing it?”
“ No And Really! Cliches from 16th century melodrama?
“O.K I take that back. A bridge from a Shrinking violet to an Ice Queen then. And it’s 17th century my dear doctorate in Literature!”
“Yuk ! 20th century Brit. clichés now? You’ve gotta do bettern that “
“ How about a Mousy DoorMatt for the Mystic Majesty. To wipe her feet on?”
So you outta compliments. We doin insults now.
“ Compliments coming up ….. hmmmmn …lets see: Chicken Little to Heartbreak Hotel. Mighty Mouse to Magnificent Millie. Washy Wallflower to Wishy Woman. Courage-of-a-collard to McPapa -got-my-gal. Pick one”. Matter o’ fact and totally even voiced.
“You are definitely troubled….”
“Talk for yourself Muddy Watters !. In deep. And on the wrong side . You ‘can’t cross the river if you don’t swim the tide’. Build a jet ski. Get to the other side before McUncle grabs the MiltMaid. Unless you like the Blues !” Jeez ! This girl could sound like an angel while performing that clinically abrasive psychological procedure.
“ I’m indigo already. Proceeding to deep purple.”I was ready to give up now. Didn’t know what to say next.
She goes sing song here, “Pity your hue don’t match her view. She’s got Romance. Spence McDorf sun settin at the Milton’s porch .Read, your boulevard of broken dreams. If Perseus don’t hustle, the sea monster’s going to get the virgin.” Can you believe it.
“You don’t hafta mythologize those figments of your imagination.”
“ Right. No special effects. It’s a three-D romantic chiller already. Sorry.” That ‘sorry’ sounded like sarcasm dripping maple honey.”
“ Is that your professional opinion or just random shots at people’s reputations. And never mind who gets hurt. Anyway, why do you care so much ? Even if it’s true.
“ You’re right. It isn’t my funeral.”
“ You mean it ain’t your business”.
“ ‘Ain’t’ my business . True again.”
“ If’n two people are involved in a transfer of affection well….. let sleepin’ dogs lie.”
“ Right third time in a row. Strike three for you Joan Seymour. Yu are out. No more pursuing Mc Dorfian dreams. Oh by the way bro. Watters. Do you mean that bit about ‘sleeping dogs’ as an analogy , or is that an innuendo condoning an adulterous relationship?”
“Sarcastic soliloquy- isms aside , you seem to take delight in puttin words in my mouth with your worldly double talk and inappropriate meanings.”
“ Oh. I apologize. I can see it’s killing you. Should I let her know when you are dead?”
“ Sure. I’ll hold my breath. In anticipation of bouquets on my grave. Should I ask for white roses or lilies“.
“What? While a drooping dandelion wilts within…,”
“ I have to be compar……”
“ …having fought Venusians battle while displaying the guts of a withered Dalia?”
“ We are supposed to be doing field service not talkin bilgewater.” I know yu can’t get into a verbal duel with this soft and deceptively sweet voiced girl. Not if you want to come out smellin fresh on the other side. So I tried to get her thinking in another direction.
She came back with,“ I am honey. I am doing field service. I volunteered. Auxiliary pioneer this month.”
“ Accidental misnomer gal. Yours should be an-oxy-delirious fly-on-ear. Don’t exert yourself princess. Take it easy. At this rate you just might make special pioneer.”
“ Don’t worry about me handsome. Your lady love is making one right now. If you continue careless , they might just end with making out.” Remember. You can’t get into a verbal duel with this lady.
“ Please! Your remarks are atrociously out-of-wack. Totally un JW’es .I’m shocked by your totally unfounded, unsubstantiated and deplorable accusation of inappropriate behavior on the part of Bro. McDorf and Denise. Abominable JW example of “do not be quick with your mouth or let your heart speak harshly….” I tried to bring back reason and JW conventions into the conversations. .
“Bro. Eccleasiastes 5.2! You are speaking to me, not your heart throb. Cut out the big words. I’m trying to have a conversation, not listen to a public talk . ‘Shocked’ did you say? Yup. You are. Your hair’s standing on end.
Must be from the static from your tongue “
“ Is that what electrified your courage. No. I can’t take credit for that. You’ve done that admirably on your own braveheart.”
“ That tongue of yours is gonna get you in trouble someday. And me too for listening to it.”
“ Your heart has already done that to you sweetie. Faint hearted Watters trying for a prime elders daughter. Dame Minton’s got a beau. Shaking Watters with the courage of fondue. That’s a kicker!!”
I Repeat. You can’t get into a verbal duel with this lady.
Joan would pass for Denise’s cousin; or twin even, if you were willing to stretch a point or two . Exact same model, both of them. Same height build, weight etc. . Except for their minds. Joan’s was like a fly trap when she got going. Most guys were scared of her. Not that she was mean or stuck up but sharp . Razor tongue and brain. Trouble is yu don't feel the razor when she uses the voice. Not until later. Know what I mean? Nobody wanted to match wits with her. But she was friends with me. Most times. When she didn’t leave me feeling like I’d been through a car wash. What do you expect, her studyin to be a clinical psychologist n’ all. Twin Rolls Royces the two of them, except that Joan was a little more Rolls and Denise a lot more Royce!
We were an assortment of young men in our hall ; all in their early or mid-twenties. And quite a few good lookin’ sisters; with about four or five potential 45+ spinsters-till- death-do -em -part . But nobody was getting’ married anytime soon. Cause Denise wasn’t pickin. Nary a one. Every man-jack of ‘em was hopin he had a chanct with Denise. You never heard so many of them cackle like tickled hens whenever Denise made a joke. You’d think they was a gold nugget on the floor when Denise dropped her bible or song book. The way them navy seals would dive to retrieve it. You never seen so many spend so much time grooming themselves when there was a get-together or a baby shower. At her place or someone else’s. One guy – call him Blade Runner - would shave three times if there was a party at her house . And end up looking like Edward Scissorshand with about 54 band aids on his face. Some sisters even thought of bidding for this newly sewn quilt. Then there was thrift shop Johnny who would shop for hours to get himself an outfit from the seconds store just for the get together. He’d pick pants that had hems two inches higher than where his socks entered in his shoes. Then he would hang on those pants till they went down to cover his socks. Then his underwear would be pop out with a part of his rear in it. Hanging precariously on his belt. And all them girls would havta turn their faces away. Till some kindly brother drew discreet attention to the peek-a-boo under ’n over .
The colognes that stunk up the rooms? It was a somatic cell nuclear transfer. If you were perfume intolerant , you would pass out; never mind the societies directive on being mindful of people with allergies to overpowering odors. Her place was a more potent draw for them title contenders, than the best little whorehouse in Texas . Needless to say, I, was one of the them. But I knew I only had an outside chance ,with all this audio - visual/sensual competition; not bein the one with the Brad Pitt look or the Bill Maher wit. But I did love her to an Apoplectic damnation! So did the others !
You never seen so many brothers fight for microphone privilege durin a meetin . In fact two of em quit talkin to each other, after one tony winning performance. It all happened one Sunday; about 15 month back. This bro., call him Bob Ruark, come to the hall early, hooks up the sound system, stage manage the podium and props, get the microphones ready and is obviously sittin pretty. Waitin for the curtains to rise. That is, the Watch tower study start. To take the tiara to the queen. This, 30 minutes before the meetin. Then holi -capolli ! In walk Tony Riddler , the designated mike carrier for the day. He thirty minutes late. The speaker almost finishin’ his fiddlin-on-the-roof and the dawdler, without much as a how-do-yu-do, picks up the gauntlet and parks himself on the mike handlers chair closest to the Milton’s side of the hall. Ruark jumps up and quick steps up to Riddler’s chair and the duo start a duet in careless whispers. McDorf turns around . He sittin’ just behind the Milton’s and on hearin’ them breaking bad, gets up from his seat to come arbitrate. Riddler wins the favor and Ruark’s back twiddlin sound controls, afumin’. Cuss ringbolts spout their way through his hair. Black clouds mass above his head. The meetin’s finishes and within minutes Ruark gets done tidyin up and strides up to Riddler; and the upshot is, come-outside- n- we’ll setle-it - talk. The time? 12:23 p.m. N’ things are hottin’up for a high noon showdown in this balliwick.
“C’mon dingleberry I’m agoin ta knock stupid outta ya ”, is Ruark’s idea of a final peace offering as he lays ‘er down on his table of compromise. Meanwhile, as is their custom after every meetin’, the villagers are jawin’ outta the one side o’ their mouth. The side full ‘a gossip. On hearin Ruark’s battle cry , everybody and his uncle turn the other cheek . They stop doin’ the dirt on their fellow man. This, here now breakin news gits their attention. Conversation ceases. The silence, as them educated people like to call it, palpable.
“ Ya sure bout that . Lets find out”, is Riddler’s diplomatic counter offer and they both storm out . The stunned hush among the general population which follows these announcements, cancels any chance of statesmanship or negotiation on the part of the U.N Peacekeepers. No one moves for about 20 seconds. And that is the difference between armed conflict and a peaceful resolution along the 38th parallel. Minus five. The warriors storm out , eager for battle, girding their loins as it were to slay the philistine.
Now I gotta hold them horses up a bit to paint a clear picture o’ some of the citizens that occupied this metropolis. Give you a flashback, if’n ya know what I mean. Cause’ what unfolds in the next couple o hours ties in closely with what I’m about to tell ya. So yu uns at JWN could unerstan’ how this here sit com won a tony. Now if you’d care ta go git yerselves a six-pack n follow closely. Make sure them beers be cold. Ice cold sos’n yu get a sober look at the cirque de soliel’, happenin in our neck o the woods. Thank ya kindly.
…to be continued.
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Hairtrigger
Do we have the porn to get those lions horny enough to copulate to a trillion? -
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What if we could bring down the WBTS?
by derangedjdub inwhat would be your plan or ideal reason the walls came crashing down?
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Hairtrigger
That would be Armegeddon for the dubs! damn ! and no paradise to show for it?
But don't hold your breath folks. Schwartzenegger has a better chance of becoming President .
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Hairtrigger
Go for it sister. You got awesome talent! -
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Oxy-delirious Fly -On- Ear ( Part 1)
by Hairtrigger infrom an oxy-delirious fly-on-ear ( part 1) .
by hairtrigger.
i gonna tell one of my adventures on the circuit.
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Hairtrigger
From An Oxy-Delirious Fly-on-ear ( Part 1)
By Hairtrigger
I gonna tell one of my adventures on the circuit. But first I gotta say ,what in Uncle Sam hell is this country comin to? Look on any side and you got drug pushers –skinny, skeleton and slut; prostitutes -male and regular; child molesters –JW’s, catholics and secular; terrorists- male and irregular; suicide bombers- male, pale and exploded ; ISIS supporters- male, email and female; Syria and Iraq -desert–sand—ISIS’ homeland; Israel and Palestine–our-holy-land-bash-ems Vs. Hamas’ kassams; Putin and Ukraine; Republicans and Obama; Fox news and CNBC! Japanese journalists decapitated; Jordanian pilot barbequed. I tell ya this whole world just gone doggone crazy-nut-lunatic! Piss-mad hog, pumpkin- seed bananas, bat -shit insane!! I ain’t shittin ya believe me.
Just the other day it was cold, overcast, wet, with a biting breeze tossing a freeze that would turn a nuke’s mushroom into a sorry snowman. Me and bro. Mcdorf were Lewis and Clarkin’ an unknown street, down San Diego way, knockin on wood, except we got nobody to home so we just amblin along, with him talkin about how Jeehovah gonna cure all them ills and me noddin my head and thinking “ No shit! You must be the just- now -newly -anointed by- a –blindin -blaze- of- light Saul; to have gotten all this dope beamed into your cranium direct by big Jake. What did it christen you? McDork? ” Meanwhile the icy ass wind kept flappin my coat tails all over my back . All this, with my eyeballs nearly afloat on a bladder jam! With the nearest Starbucks a ten minute drive away.
Now this Mcdorf is a sometimes CO and special pioneer who’s never gotten married – don ax me how- but they gave in ta him cause his dad and mom served in bethel and knew somebody up top! Rumor has it he gotten himself into a philandering scandal, and hopped outta Lima two jumps ahead a Peruvian machete. That machete being two jumps shy of gelding him! Why? Don ax me. That now, is a secret between McDorf and his seven mental dwarfs up in NY or Wakhill or Warwick or wherever the dam heck they are stashing all the loot they get from us dum sheep. Well, what I do know is, he sure is a willie wanker! Ask me how I know? Look at the back of an unmarried brothers hands. If his veins sticks out when he isn’t exerting himself he’s a Polly Shafter!! And McDorf’s hands? His veins stick out like they are oil pipelines running from Canada to Mexico! He sure is regular scum; having said that I gotta give it to the man – he looks kinda elegant, rich and all the women, married, unmarried, young and old find him attractive. He always get invited to dinners and get-togethers and such like .But he full of himself with his pimped up tags, snakeskin cowboy boots, and fancy Caddy .
Sooo…. We doin the walk of the lame, a.k.a. the pioneer walk, when we came upon a big door. Maybe cedar , mabe oak or maybe jus good ole Doug.Fir. Who knows; I ain’t debating doors- and bro McDorf sez ,”I’m gonna get this one “
And I’m thinkin ’That ain’t no cute little Andean skirt Mr. salt-shaker! Whach yu gonna do? Rasputin the dam keyhole? ” But all I sez iz,” Go get em preacher”, wondering who the hell he gonna get? He’s a bit quick –on-the-shout bein from down on South; Prob’ly nail couple o’ echos in the empty house with his words cause he shoots–from-the-lip.?”
Anyways he just upped and knocked and after about two knocks and one door bell –ringing- five minutes later , out comes an Asian gen’lman .
Mcdorf goes into his “Good mornin’ sir. We are in the neighborhood bringing a very important message “, routine…..
“ Oh! Thank you. You postman.”
Mcdorf gives me a look and turns back to the genlemun, “ No sur we ain’t postmen. We are here to bring you a lifesaving message.”
“Life danger? Teololist attack again?” He looked concerned with his small eyes alarm clock wide.
“ No, no no terrorist attack, no postman. No danger. We are here to…..
I decided to help a bit and chimed in ,” Bro. McDorf, him and me and all the others,” pointing to the other dubs down the street,” doin your street today are jeehovahs witnesses”.
“ G.Hoba garbage truck company. Vely good. Cleaning the stleetnesses?”
We look at each other one more time and think “ we gonna be at this all day”.
“ No . No cleaning street . My name is McDorf, this is my colleague Watters . Whats your nam sur?”
My name Ting- Hong Chen. I no leeve this house”.
“ Oh! Who’s asking you to leave?”?
“ I no leeve. This my relative house”.
“So which is your house?
“My house? China house.”
We look around to spot a china house, but nope, all of them built regular just ole Doug fir, drywall and drippin wet.
“ So who lives here?”
“ My family. They notta holme now. Gone londermat”.
“ Oh ! doing Saturday laundry? We understand.”
“ No they buy londermat”.
“ Of course. Good ole’ Chinese enterprise. So where is your china house”?
“ In China”.
Idiot! We finally saw the light.“ So when did yu come to America”?
“Two day gone ”.
“ How long yu gonna be here”?
“ Six month long“.
Oh! Great . Where did you learn to speak English?”
“ I take crash course on flying plane . What you ? Job interview?. Write my bibliography?” The asian genulmen seemed peeved while McDorf went sunset around his antennas .
“Oh! No…no sorry if that seemed rude ! We are amazed at your fluency in the language. Actually we in the neighborhood axin de neighbors some simple questions about life.”
“ Neighbor gon kun foo”.
“ Kun Foo? Could you say that in English sur.
“ Kun foo ..ehhh.how yu say Englis?..Hmmmn..Oh! work hard “. “ Both left and right. Also backside neighbor and …”
“ When I said neighbor I means you.”
“I not neighbor . I leeve in China. Here for 6 month”.
McRushin now goes sarcastic ‘ We got that the first time.”
“ No. Fifth time. I come every six month.”
“ So you are no stranger to America.
“ Amedecan stalange countlee. People knock on door in cold wet molning and ask stalange koestion.
“ Believe me suh we ain’t here to ask questions but to answer some important ones. Important to all our lives.”
“Good! Thank you. Now I go in do impoltant wok also. Wok hard to clean. Impoltant to my familee life”
“Oh thank yu suh for that intel. We, too, work hard at doing Gawd’s work.
“ Guard work? You also Private seculity co.?”
“ No. No Security company. JEE- HOVAH’s Witnesses”.
‘ G. Hoba . Hokay. Witenlesses?” G.Hoba Garbage truck company or Distlict Attolney ?
“ No sir. Someone greater than all District Attorneys.”
“ Oh! He chief CIA.”
Good guess but NO . That sur is the Holy name of G-O-D!
“ You call god by name?”.
‘That name is what he wants us to call him by .”
“What his fust name”?
‘ He don’t have a first name. Just Jeehovah.”
“Why then you putting G in front of Hoba?”
“There is no G. in front of Hoba. Just Jeehovah. One name.”
“Jest one minute,” he sez and jumps into the house. I look around and spot sister Denise Milton. She’s got what it takes to get a brother’s pupils reach ten times its normal size . She waves and I wave back, but, I knows she ain’t waving at lowly me but at the philandering sumbitch McDorf. She about 23 and McDorf about 49 . But that sumbitch … The chinaman come back out and he holdin a bottle that sez “Jovan Musk”.
“ I also got god bottle”?
McDorf turns a little more sundown around the ears. He on a short leash now and the chinaman about to commit suicide.
“ That’s NOT..sorry not..not god’s bottle”.
“I know. My bottle. But got your god name”.
Our god’s name is J-E-H-O-V-A-H..Jeehovah. Not Jovan.
“ Oh! I thinking this same”.
“No that’s the name of an .. “ he takes the bottle and turns it around in one hand, “lets see…an after shave lotion.
“ You like ? I sell fo 5 dollar. Velly good . You buy.”
“ No thank you. We appreciate your kindness but we would like to talk to yu about the situation in the world .. do yu think the world is getting better or worse “.
China communis govt. good for discipline . No good for flee think . Tinaman Square flee think. Amedeca democlacy . Good for flee think. But too much quarrel up Russia . But China fix eblything.”
“ Oh o.k. glad to know how yu free think . But do yu think China would be able to get rid of all problems the world is facing today?”
“ 20 years back China 3rd worl cuntlee. Today China number 1 in first worl cuntlee .Soon China take over worl and make Amedeca safe? No mo tellorist. No more waa. No more ploblems. China new worl supapowa fix eblything ”.
“ Oh. Thats good for China but that’s not what we are axin?”
“ Yu jus now axin. I jus now answering. You comedian? Just now yu ask. Now yu say yu not askin? I answer already. How many time I answer question? You garbage truck company or FVI wata boading gestapo?
“ We’re sorry if we are bothering you with our questions. I assure you that was not what we had in mind. We are publishers of these magazines that we have…” McDorf darts his hand in a quick draw into his satchel and flashes the usual ass wipe monthlys.
“ Oh! How many multitasking you do ? Garbage truck co. Distlict attorney genurul and also journalis. Which journalis you ?”
Oh not journalists. We only distribute magazines published by the Watchtower and Bible Tract society.
Published by magazine to build watchtower society. Oh! Also yu build watchtower? Like Big Ben in Londom?
No. No. We don’t build no tower. We offer…
“ Just now yu say watchtower buy hill track society now yu say no. Stalange how you double dip in cookie jar…do double talk . How Native American say? no..no..yes I catch sparrow now …. that fork tongue-poking-the hanging lip . Giving run around. Let the yes be yes and the no’s be no. You read Byvel? I read Byvel and that say in Byvel.
“ That’s what we are talking about. The bible?
“Again poke out two tongue in cheek full of cactus? Just now you talk build Big Ben .Now yu say yu talk Byvil. No Big Ben in Bybel. No G. Hoba in Byvil. Only jeesas.
”You are right . NO..No Big Ben in Bible ….But Jehovah is the father. Father of Jesus and all men. He has promised us a beautiful future , and his word, the bible, is a witness to his great promise.”
Just now you saying you are G. Hobas witenless. Now you saying his word is witenless. How he not with you and speak one tongue? You bring his word to witenless? He dead? Who kill G.Hoba?
“ No .No. No. He ain’t dead. No one killed anyone. McDorf now goes into sign language, first pointing to himself and then his finger makes a kind o’ circle pointing finally to the sky,” We are HIS witnesses.”
Roaming camera with helichoppa? Good FVI. Oh attempt to kill only ? Yu look for witnelesses?
Bro. McDorf now wipe his forehead with tissue, swallow hard , his adam’s apple going yo-yo in his throat and looked at his boots and tried to compose his thoughts. I took out a casual piece of gum and began chewing the cud. This was getting to be classic. Intense even. In all the excitement I’d forgotten about takin that piss!
“ I no see anybody attempt to kill nobody. So no can help yu gentalmans. You also plain cloth police?
“WE ARE FREAKIN JEHOVAHS… sorry no. no freakin…. just Jehovahs Witnesses.” McDorf was fighting for control. He wanted to get this door dun fas but this dude warn’t helpin. He was hopin to get to Ms.Milton’s side and charm her with jim dandy talk and fake smile and sumerbitchin…
“ I heard fust time . Why you repeat over? You gotted bad memory? Eat fish oil. Good for bad memory.
I GOTTED BAD memory?….NO . NO. I DON’T GOT NO BAD MEMORY.
“ Why you shout loudly? You talkin me or neighbor gone kun foo?
“Sorry didn’t mean to talk loudly…”, he pointed to a couple of bikers revving up their bikes, “..just couldn’t hear myself speak.
You got ear problem also? I do acupuncta. You wantin to acupuncta ealdlum?
No thank you . Can we offer you a magazine. We have some in Chinese.
Oh You sell magazine for build watchtowa? Collect donation? In Chinese? Please showa me magazine.
McDorf quickly dives into his leather sack and pulls out a magazine in one of ‘em Asian scripts.
“ No Chinese That Kolean. ”
No Wait . I think I got them mixed up.” He pulls out another one.“ See this one is Chinese”
“ That Mandalin. I Cantonese”.
Sumbitch McDorf’s face was orange chicken now.
“ We’ll drop by again and bring you some in Cantonese”, was all he could manage what with the dew drops moistening his forehead.
“Why you not do acupuncta”. Come in and I finish in short time only. No wait long for you”.
“ We have to be moving along. Visit your neighbors”.
I tol you not listen good. Neighba gone kun foo. I fly chicken. come”
You what?
“ See yu got ear ploblem. I say I fly chicken. Kantak.
“ Your chicken flies and can talk?
“ No you not understand. I fly chicken like fellow with beard. Captain Lobert .E .Lee? NO..No..Captain Ahab..no..no…or maybe sergeant somethink. He from Kantak.
We talkin about a person or a chicken.. from Kansas?
No ..no…great person he from Kantak. He weaa eye glass. Pointy beard. We have in China. Many shop in Beijing and Shanghai and…
I suddenly saw the light ,” You speakin of Kentucky frIed chicken?
That it. You good fellow . You quickly catch flying monkey. That what I say all along KANTAK … only I not add eeeeee. Fogot …eeeeee
“And the gentleman’s name happens to be Colonel Sanders.”
The asian genulman looked at McDorf in disbelief and then from one to the other before he went“ In Amedecan amed fose.. the cook .. after learn to fly chicken prolomote to Colonel?”
“ What do you mean?’
He cook in army . Fly chicken. How he get title Colonel?
“ Colonel Sanders was an officer during the American Civil War. From 1776-1781”
Aah ! He fight American waa of independence?
He didn’t fight in the American war Of independence. It was the Civil War.”
“ Yu mans speaking through back of helmet. Say just now, just now, you say 1776-1781. Yes ? No?”
“ Yes”
“Then that Waa of Independence”. Fight British not Sybil ?”
McDorf looked at me confused and doubtful. And a little flustered! “ Bro. Watters do you recall anything about the Civil War?
“ Yup. It was From 1861 to 1865.” I said a bit surprised at his fog headedness.
Mr. Chen. My mistake . You are right. WOI 1776-1781. But Colonel Sanders fought in the Civil war. 1861-1865.
“ That what I say. But you no hear? You come inside have fly chicken, and I do acupuncture. Make deaf ear alright ! I no charge for fly chicken.
“Thank you , you are very kind but we have other houses to go to. “
“Oh! Alright! Thank you. Hope you find witenlesses you look for in neighbor –gone –kun foo - house. I go in now and fly more leg and Thai! oh beg pardon! Cook to Colonel whistling Dixie turn Kantakeeee fly chicken!!”
And with that mixed-gun salute the Asian genulman closed the big red door and escaped into its confines while McDorf polished his cheeks some more to stop looking like yesterday.
“Now this is what the society don’t train us for”, was his educated opinion after we started perambulating to the next door. ” What they should do is include these off beat encounters in the Thursday ministry school agenda, to enable us to train for such close encounters with the third world kind. Not to say it’d do much good being as the gentleman can’t be moved by anything – for all our door knocking on his spirituality.
“ I guess,“ was my desultory reply,“ they are unaware of Witnesses where he comes from. Moreover, his English wasn’t up to comprehension.”
“ I guess. He seemed totally confused with god’s name. What’s with the society giving out that the preaching work in China is underground and hush- hush but “progressing” ? Couldn’t be reaching many people. You heard him mention Beijing and Shanghai. They know of KFC but no Jehovah!”
“ Well, we have to wait on Him to speed up the work as promised.” He didn’t sense the skeptical in my voice.
“ Oh yes! Definitely Matt. All in His time. But I hope it happens soon. Because the big A, and I don’t mean NY, is just waiting to happen. Around the corner,so to speak. Only hope two billion people don’t bump into it while turning that angle depending on acupuncture for protection? Imagine him weave his way to salvation with chopsticks holding “kantak”, on it!
“ Maybe our approach was wrong. Maybe if we had….”
“ Let’s not second guess ourselves Matt. We did our best. If people like him don’t take our message seriously, then perhaps they do need wonton soup and pan fried noodles in chop suet to face Armageddon with.”
‘While your eggs Benedict and honey cured ham gives you a smug stairway to everlastin life in your bigoted head. And its chop suey not “suet” girl charmer,” was what I wanted to blurt out. But I held my piece.
So we walk down the street to a couple of more houses and like the man said they were all, ” gone –kun-foo”, that is, ‘not-at-homes’, in JW lingo. We just begun to move to house number four down the block, when we see sisters Denise Milton and Joan Seymour walkin toward us on the opposite side of the street. They cross over and Denise hello’s us and speaks to McDorf.
“Bro McDorf may I talk to you for a moment?” She seemed tense and kinda pale around the eyes like she’d been losin’ sleep and I wondered what the heck was botherin’ her. She always seemed cool and composed.
“Of course sister Milton . Hold up a minute. Why don’t we change partners . Sister Milton you could come with me and Bro Watters and sister Seymour could pair up to work the other side of the street?”
And I’m thinking,” Doesn’t this fit like a condom on your seduction scheme Mr. almost-eunuched. You ought to be inducted into the dodger-hall-of-fame. If that S. American blade had gotten two skips closer, you’d be singin’ tenor and shakin’ hands with Bruce Jenner ! ” But non-confrontational as my nature is, once again, I held my peace .
That’s McDorf. Mickey Dee-ing his date. Suave as milk shake and canny as a chess move. Sumbitch. I wasn’t lovin’ it. And me doing my damnest not to shower my pants like a dual flush restroom comforter.
………to be continued.
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15
Just sent a letter...at 1am, after drinking a lot of Scotch
by tresdecu insent to the production company that made 'going clear' (documentary about scientology).
edit: i sent an email...not an actual letter.
dear mr gibney,.
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Hairtrigger
tresdecu
Mud in your eye
For me its Rye
Anyday! Ole'
Beware the tequila sunrise!!Cheers!!
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45
What bad habits have you picked up since leaving the Borg.
by James Mixon ini went back to smoking and gambling but the good habits out weigh.
the bad ones, like lying to people.
is't fraud against the law, the practice.
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Hairtrigger
Bad habits? None
Only Pleasurable ones!
Gambling= ponies and doggies only. i don't do cards, slot machines or other sports.
Drinking responsibily i.e. not paying for the bums at the KH. Just paying for mine.
Celebration of the damned: all holidays, b'days and pagan festivals.
A cuban and a cognac when I win big.
Taking the mickey out of the WBTS zealots .and the borg.
Cussing
Writing satires on the borg. One's comig up soon.
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56
Question for atheists and nonbelievers
by pressman ini profess to teach the truth to you all and get you to all to think and believe.
believing in christ through his words and not through evil religious cults, like hoj and jw, can and will save you.
do you all realize that every time you are victorious and receive something of value through your hard work and sweat, it was our holy god who blessed you.
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Hairtrigger
...i am here to tell you the truth."
Methinks the witness doth protest too much.
What 66 books couldn't tell us you are about to? Half the writers are anonymous. You must be the latest edition.
"...we all should be bowing to him and kissing his feet for everything we have and all the great things that happen to us."
Your god condoned slavery. He gave his nation as slaves to the Egyptians. Babylonians and .... Looks like you've learned your lesson well . How to be a faithful mental slave to a jewish cultic concept. Do you know you have 7 brothers at Warwick. They keep 8 million enslaved. And imagine eight million tongues performing "toelingus" on seven. Group sex? You should be writing porn. Not amateur dabbling in podiatory cathartic prognosis.
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15
Just sent a letter...at 1am, after drinking a lot of Scotch
by tresdecu insent to the production company that made 'going clear' (documentary about scientology).
edit: i sent an email...not an actual letter.
dear mr gibney,.
-
-
Hairtrigger
Hmmmn...The Scotch was good! Which brand was it?