Why is it so hard for me to say good bye and go on with my life?

by ConFuseDnStresSed05 32 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Mysterious

    I left when I was 18 and came out as queer at the same time. It made things rather awkward and hard at home, but I soon left for college. College was a great experience for me in helping me find myself. I met a lot of great people there including my first girlfriend and my current boyfriend. Ultimately Im studying something I have a passion for, more than can be said for anything I ever studied as a witness. I never wanted to pioneer, I felt guilty for not wanting to since I knew I should have.

    The best thing for you would be to start saving up some money and maybe look for a few scholarships. The sooner you get on with what you really want to do in life instead of languishing in the control of the WBTS the better it will be for you. Things do get better but you have to recognize that you need to take charge of your situation as difficult as it is, only then can you start to move beyond things.

    I know numerous ex-JWs that have gone back to school in their late 30's, early 40's or even later. The difference is that you have so much more time to claim what you want out of life. Instead of being bitter for what you have lost and the time you have wasted, be glad how much of your life you have left to live what you want to live instead of letting some crusty old men tell you what to do with it.

    Cheers and good luck.

  • thom

    I was raised a JW as it sounds like you may have been. I waited until my late 30's to leave and be myself. Even now I see pleny of life ahead of me, life that I choose and I'm happy.
    At 18, it seems so hard. It is, of course, but you have so much life ahead of you. I spent several years in my 30's laying in bed each morning thinking about suicide. I never did it and I'm so glad now that I did not! There is so much to do, and I'm living a real life now.
    I really believe that the sooner you can get out of the JW's, the better. No matter when you do, you'll have to deal with your family so when possible I'd say do it sooner rather than later. Get it over with and move on.
    Many people here have gone through what you describe. Keep reading here, and posting when you can. There are many who can offer advice and who truly understand.

  • Cygnus

    Just do it. So many of us when at your age threw so much of our lives away by getting married, pioneering, being a slave to the Watchtower and living on the advice of window cleaners and 2500 year old goat herders. Pursue your education, find love, progress towards your career. I was 25 before I finally woke up and quit JWism and YOU CAN DO IT. All it takes is some resolve, a few friends, and a little work. For god's sakes woman, DO IT. And be cheerful about it. So many of us didn't get that opportunity. You have it. Take it, run with it, don't look back. The choice is all yours.

  • ConFuseDnStresSed05

    Thank you so much. its so hard to say what i think when my whole life ive been practicing how to keep it all in and not say my thohgts but what people want to hear. to be able to say my thoughts and so many positive people who have been through my same ordeal tell me its ok it such a reassurance for me thank you somuch it means alot.

  • GoingGoingGone

    confusednstressed -

    First of all, welcome!! People here have been through every situation imaginable, so read a LOT and enjoy!

    I was raised JW and pioneered straight out of high school, even though I hated field service and knew exactly what career I wanted to persue. I regret it so much now. Not everyone knows what they want to do at 18, so you are one step ahead of the majority. You want to be a pharmacist.... Do it!!!! You can, and you won't regret it.

    It seems overwhelming to leave everything you have ever known, I know. You will get help and support here, and I think you will discover that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Reaching out like you are now is a huge step.

    Hope to hear lots from you!!


  • jgnat

    Can you imagine the huge virtual party we will hold for ConfusdNStressed when she graduates from pharmacy school? She will by then have changed her online name, of course. And changed the color of her hair. And have a new piercing in parts of body unknown.

  • ConFuseDnStresSed05

    thanks for he support. i've already tried to figure out way to tell my mom im going away for college i just have to figure out where. Far far away for sure.

  • codeblue

    Welcome: ConfusdNStressed

    Thanks for sharing a bit about your life.

    I agree: please go to Pharmacy School and achieve your dream!

    I was was a JW, and at graduation received 2 scholarships and had to throw them away because I too was told I wouldn't be "spiritual" if I attained my goals.

    Now I am in my 40's, fading from the JW's and feel a bitterness about NOT achieving my dream, my true talents are hidden, awaiting to be used. I struggle with depression as a result of it.

    We are all born with talents, and when we don't get to use them it stifles our personality and true happiness is never achieved.

    Tell your parents that being a Pharmacist is a gift from Jehovah. Jehovah is the one who gives us our gifts and talents personally. Remind them of that point. Many Bethelites have been to college to become Dr.'s, lawyers, dentists....and they are still "spiritual".

    If you have to do the fade to achieve going to college, so be it.

    At 18, you are never "stuck"....the world for you is just beginning! Now take control of your life and be happy!!!


  • Bryan


    I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. As you can see, there are many here who were raised in the org just as you and me both. I know you feel trapped especially with your true self begging to escape the prison you have had to build into your own soul.

    I promis you it does get better. There are many, many, people who will support you once you get out and be yourself. It is difficult when you have been bread to believe that you will die if you leave the Tower. It took me about 5 years to deprogram without professional help.

    Realize, too, that just because you have started pioneering doesn't mean you can't quit. Yes the others will gossip about you, some will look down on you, but it is not God who will judge you for not continuing to spread the Watchtower lies. Do you have a way to support yourself and go to school? Do you have non-Witness family who will understand and help you with shelter and food at least?

    I'm going to see if I can get Bubbamar (Marla) to contact you, also. She is a lesbien and her mother, for years, was a Missionary. As you can imagine she has been through it, and understands what you are going through and probably can help you.

    Take care and please realize that it hurts very much now, but it will get better and you can have a fantastic life. The truth will set you free!


    Have You Seen My Mother

  • GentlyFeral
    ive been hiding my true self for about 3 years now do i ever dream of coming out and telling my peers, family, or anyone about me being a lesbian, can i ever come out i dont think so.

    ConFuseDnStresSed, there are hundreds, no, thousands of people like you. A lot of them are here –

    acbgroupThis mailing list is for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered former (or current) Jehovah's Witnesses.

    And many of them have been just where you are now – and have gone on to have happy, productive lives and lived their dreams. Get hold of a secure computer (do you have your own laptop, perchance?) and join now! (Wouldn't hurt to join the msn group, too)

    Good luck!

    g ently f eral

    And I just wanna say, there are lots of lesbians in the helping professions and the sciences – pharmacy is both, right? (Librarians, too. I'm just sayin'...)

Share this